Posting to a New Address

It's official!

Take long last looks and wave your goodbyes to 'Poppy's Babble Blog'.

Fear not though, as all blogs from here and even my old site have been transfered to the new blog. They are even dated correctly so that it's easier to navigate.

To read today's blog and all other blogs from now onwards, please click on the link below and remember the new address:

www.poppysbabblebox.blogspot.com

Yes, the name is not much different, i know, but i didn't want to confuse you all and lose half my followers by chosing a completely different blog name!

This blog will stay up for another week to ensure everyone who visits it regularly knows that it has moved. After this date it will be deleted.

See you on the flip side...

Let me count the ways i hate thee, my own body - 1.2..3...4....5...

I was so set out with good intentions to come on here early this evening and go to bed before 10pm. But, alas, instead i will survive the morning shift at the restaurant with itchy eyes.

Today's cameo in my food fascinations (that i seem unable to control), is the cupcake. I don't think all this free time is doing me much good - too much time on the web. With google popping up every few seconds, it only takes a few taps to access hundreds of pictures of your most forbidden and lusted after foods. I decided to spare you an actual picture of a cupcake as sometimes the pictures trigger. I know they do me.

This afternoon has been awash with image after image of cupcakes and recipies. I even got it into my head to start cataloging the flavours, and coming up with my own! I suddenly got it into my head that if i had the money i would be good at cupcakes and do unusual flavours. I craved them so badly, and drooled over the buttercream, sprinkles, cookies and sponge. Oh dear, i'd better not star thinking about it now!

When thinking about today in terms of food, it has been no more or less bulimic than yesterday. In my eyes, every day i eat is bad. I looked back on all my old blogs, and can't believe that i was actually more controlled then, with my model low calorie intake, than i am now. And yet, here i am lower in weight than i was then. I miss that control and conviction and i wish i could get back on the straight and narrow and get it back. Somehow it feels a far way off...

Here we go_____


I woke up at 6am, and, rather than returning to sleep, quickly snuck to the bathroom to weigh myself before everyone got up. In the haze of the pre-alart stages, i was less than extatic but not depressed at the numbers. I officially weighed the 124lbs i had wanted to return to. I snuck back to bed and dosed off. 7am arrived and I lolled across my bed for 10 minutes before having to succumb to the fact that i acutally had to get up. I took my pulse, which was at a lowly 43bpm and gritted my teeth, hoping the doctor didn't see fit to check it herself. I got in the shower and ran my hands across my belly and over my hip bones. I have a new found love for them, but my belly is still huge. No matter how much i look at my thighs, they look no different than when i was 200lbs. They really look the same to me.

I pulled on my jeans, a couple of vest tops and a hoodie before leaving. I hated the journey up to the surgery, even though it was only 5 minutes. I felt so uncomfortable and agitated, i just wanted to get out of the car. Mum asked if both her and my stepdad could come in and actually see the doctor with me. I made a face and she said, well can we come into the waiting room, or do you want us to wait in the car? Clearly, if she had had her way, she would have come to see the doctor and would have said things too. I scrunched up my face and said sure, she could sit in the waiting room, whatever.

When we got there, i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and marched ahead. I felt like i was being escorted and it made me waspish. We sat down in the absolutely empty waiting area and i didn't even try to make conversation with my mum. Luckily she didn't either. My doctor is someone who my family have know, albeit not closely, for years. That is the problem with a small town, everyone knows everyone. I like her as a doctor though, and don't let this impinge on anything that i might have to talk to her about in a doctor/patient manner.

After (quite a bit) of stammering and unfinished sentances, i told her that i was there under the suggestion of others and that, although i'm aware i have an eating disorder, i was not sure i wanted to be there. She asked me general questions about mood and if i was binging and purging. She knew that i already had a diagnosis, and that i knew what i was talking about so there was no need to delve deeper at that time.

Then she asked me if i was angry at my parents for bringing me. I couldn't help but feel she'd hit the nail on the head. I said that, although i understand where they are coming from, i am angry. She said they only cared and were worried for me. I think she was told stuff by my mum the other day, when she went to the surgery - that's how she knew. Luckily, she didn't do many checks although, as predicted, she did ask to do my weight and height to check bmi. I could have told her that without the need to do scales again (and probably more accurately given i was weighted with my clothes on). I had to shut my eyes when she weighed me because, although i wanted to look to see what she would have seen, i knew that i was lighter than that and i felt fat. I felt like saying 'hey! i know that what scale is telling makes it seem like i'm fat, but i'm really lighter. see - i'll take all this off and show you'. As if a few lbs are suddenly going to make me look so much slimmer to her.

Anyway, she said she'd refer me to the specialist eating disorder intervention team. I have been with two counties intervention teams, and so i know my way up the ladder of referal now. I will have to meet with a CPN and a probably a social worker to have an assessment, then it's usually followed by 6 weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy (in short, couselling except you are supposed to be proactive about it). Hopefully they will take their time about contacting me and give me a few extra weeks, then i can lost a bit more. Even though the doctor hadn't said how long it would take for contact to be made, i told my mum it may take a few weeks. She was disappointed.

When we got home, she told me that in the meantime i should make changes towards a healthier lifestyle. I ignored her, shrugged and did whatever else i could do to squirm out of the situation. It was only 8am by the time we got back and i was already hungry. I think my body was preparing for a lunch binge/purge, as it hasn't been used to earlier starts. I hate getting up early because your body gets hungry earlier. My parents decided to go food shopping and asked me to go with them. So i said i would and i decided to take a yoghurt to eat in the car with me. When they asked why i didn't eat it in the few minutes before we left, i said it was because i didn't want to rush it. This was true - i didn't want to bolt it down, at least with the car hourney, i knew i had at least 20-25 minutes of time. I timed myself, carefully licking the spoon and made sure i took no less than 10 minutes to eat the yoghurt.

At the supermarket, i found it impossible to slip away from my parents and get any binge food. It's not that i had an exact binge planned, but i like to have food there as a backup otherwise i get nervous. I got way too enthusiastic over too many things in the supermarket. There are more things, which when i point them out, my parents say 'have it' than before. It's probably a worry thing, i know. Everytime i tried to find an excuse to look at the vegetarian food, or go and pay for items that i argued were definitely mine to pay for, they found reasons and wiped the arguments away. I managed to get some jelly beans though and some yoghurts. There were some other bits too but they aren't important now.

On the way home, they produced a couple of large chocolate bars they had bought and kept offering me pieces. I gave in and ate 4!! After the first, you can reason off with restricting, but after 4 i knew i'd have to purge if i could hold them in my stomach.

Once we were back at home with the shopping packed away, my parents said they were going to go for a run. Relief! My moment was here - i would be free to eat and purge! As soon as they left, i was at the freezer, dragging out those 3 ice creams i had stashed away yesterday. Then a scone followed and pretzels and a rice pudding and falafels. I don't think there was anything else - it's a bit of a haze so i can't quite remember. I purged it all.

By the time they got back i was ready for round two as i knew they wouldn't let me get away without having lunch. Lunch was buffet of cheese, bread, pickles, crisps and tortilla followed by another yoghurt. I ate like a pig and had loads. Some fate must have been on my side, because afterwards they both had to go out for 10 minutes leaving me alone in the house. Cue cake slice, marzipan and purge #2.

When they returned, i was doing to house cleaning then snuck off to my room for the afternoon to drool over cupcakes! By the time tea came around, i guess i was in blinkered bulimia vision and just 'enjoying' (i use this in want of a better word for the 'binge high' you get before binges) the ride. I was hungry, but didn't want to wait for the rest of the family to sit down an eat. Largely because i knew the parents would proabaly keep talking to me and try to find a reason to keep me downstairs. If i was going to have tea, i would HAVE to be able to purge afterwards. I told my family i wanted to eat now, and then mooched around the kitchen until my mum had to nip out to pick up some milk or someting from the shops.

As soon as she had closed the door, i put the pasta in to boil. By the time she was back, i had stuffed (and i mean stuffed) down the pasta, 2 hunks of bread and salad. As soon as the rest of the family came into the kitchen and i had washed up, i made a swift exit out and up to my bedroom to do purge #3.

I haven't left my room since then, other than to say night and do bathroon stuff. I know it't rough and disgusting and out of control. I'm hoping i can get back in control of it though and be stricter with myself, but i won't hold my breath...unless i want to look like a smurf.

So, here's a sort-of breakdown for you:

FOOD DIARY:

BREAKFAST:
1 low fat rhubarb yoghurt 98kcal

PURGE#1:
4 Pieces of Lindt Chocolate
1 Magnum Almond
2 Magum Gold
1 Homemade Cheese Scone
1 Bowl of Pretzels
3 Falafel Pieces

LUNCH / PURGE #2:
4 Hunks of Crusty Loaf w. Butter
Cheese Slices
Pickle, Mayonnaise
Handful of Pretzels
5 Olives
1 low fat orange yoghurt
1/8 Tortilla
1 Lemon Cake Slice
1/4 Block Marzipan

TEA / PURGE #3:
1/2 Pack of Asparagus Tortellioni
2 Hunks of Bread with Butter S
alad with Tomatoes and Olives

Y.U.C.K.
In all truth, i think just having breakfast sets me off. If i don't give in early in the day, then i'm more likely to settle into my stride and have a better day. However, if i eat early on, i get a 'fuck it' approach to eating then and think that if i'm going to eat, i might as well do it large and then purge later.

Must go now, as i have only 4 hours of sleep before i need to be up for work to serve greasy bacon to those who don't care where it sits on their thighs (lucky!),

x Poppy x

My descent into madness

I'm feeling a bit barmy tonight. I have been quelling the need to binge for the last few hours by watching slimming programmes on my computer. I must admit i do get twinges of nostalgia everytime i feel the hunger pangs return. But for the last few minutes i have been smelling imaginary custard! Everyone in this house is in bed, and yet i'm smelling warm gloopy sweet custard! What madness is this?
To make things worse, whenever i feel like binging, i always google all my favourite foods and now i have a stash of them on my computer. It was at this time that they reappeared from their hidden file in the dusty corner of my hard drive. I try not to visit it too often, even though i have a running gallery of that file on my desktop! (Don't ask!)

Anyways, today's treat on show is marzipan. For some unfathomable reason, i have become a raving marzi-fan over the last few days! Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff, but suddenly i'm looking on sites and at recipies. Alas, this would be the best way to break into my tale of what has been going on in my life today... *fade out back to 9.30am today*

I woke up surprisingly early, given the fact i didn't get to sleep until 3.30am. This was largely because i was re-designing and re-blogging my new blog page, but more about that later on. When i woke up, i wobbled out of bed and fetched the scales. The weigh in this morning was disappointing despite the fact i weighed under 9st. It was disappointing because i had been hoping to push through the barrier and get back to the 124lb mark.

I got frustrated because i had been, relatively, good yesterday and hadn't purged my soup (at my mother's request). So to see that my body had not rewarded me for this, made me think : 'Well, fuck you then!'. So i decided the best way to get a bit lower and flush calories and water, etc, was to b/p. I had intended not to do it but i wanted to get to that low point.

It was already later in the day, as i stayed around in my room and finished the blog at around 11.30am. So, breakfast (cum lunch) was less 'fast' more 'break' as i broke any grains of will power i had built up since the tea last night. I binged / purged on any chocolate bars i had in my secret box, the ice creams in the fridge, bowl of pretzels and a large cheese sandwich. I went on the make homemade cheese scones, of which i ate 2 with lots of butter. I became pananoid that i wouldn't be able to get it all out, and spent a while purging as much as i could.

It's surprising how many habits slip under yo nose without you noticing, and before you see it coming, it feels like it's been there forever. Today when i was purging, every time food came up i would try to judge what it was and how much it was. I would keep a tally of how much of each food had been got rid of and what was still to come. It keeps me safe. I should have realised this habit from years ago when i measured out my vomit in the ice cream tub, from which i had just eaten the ice cream.

So after all the back and forth, measuring, bending, cleaning, weighing, i watched a dvd. Before i knew it time had moved on and it was 3pm. I became anxious to get into town to replace the ice creams i had purged. My sister was supposed to be home around 4.30 and the parents around 5, so i had to hurry. I walked quickly in, feeling a little weak today.

Firstly, i checked out my bank balance which was woefully overdrawn due to all my binge food buying. Then i visited the pharmacy to pick up some more caffiene pills and laxitives. I find i get really nervous now if i don't have some laxitives to hand, even if i'm not going to use them. The last thing i want to find is that i've had a big binge, haven't managed to get back to the original weight and have no laxitives! I would feel really panicky then...

I then go to the supermarket and try to stay as controlled as possible amongst the aisles and aisles of food. In the end i keep my cool and end up getting the following: 2 packs of ice creams to replace those purged, 6 pack of no sugar soft drink, a low fat soup to save me getting anxious about tea, milk because i used a bit when cooking the scones.

On the way home, i realise my sister might already be there, and actually pray to any god that might be listening to make her stay at work until i put the ice creams away. Well, it seems as though the gods must be watching a game or something because her car was parked outside the house when i got home. She saw the ice creams, and when she got one out, she wanted to know where the others were. I had tried to hide them in my section (because i had bought a few surplus and was trying to keep it for another binge). I have now stashed them inside old vegetarian boxes which no one will look in. How desperate am i?

She said she hadn't eaten all day while digging into a rice yoghurt. I get concerned. What a hypocrite i am! She asks me to make her a cheese sandwich, because no one does them like me. Of course no one makes a sandwich like a bulimic-anorexic foodie because we vitually salivate and make love to each ingredient as we make the meal!

Mum comes home and i hide in my room again, popping briefly down for heloos. I felt safe in my plans for the evening. I knew that mum and my sister were going exercising in the evening so while they were out, i could feign a meal and miss out on any weight that might creep it's way up from this morning. There was slight spanner in the works when my mum said my stepdad would be home sometime after they'd left, but that just meant i'd have to be quick.

When they went, i sprinkled a few wet pieces of pasta in the sink, left bits of cheese on the side, hid other parts of food and moved plates around to make it look like i had eaten and cleaned up after myself. I did it just in time, as my stepdad arrived just as i was leaving the kitchen. I stayed in my bedroom the rest of the evening, and luckily the smell of dinner did not waft up here tonight. Sometimes it's awful....

By the way, i'm just going to add in a slightly resentful note here. You may notice i am hardly talking about me exercising, it's all about others going out and doing it. This is largely because my mum moans and/or scowls at me for doing it. I have been vitually under a veto rule for exercise for the last couple of weeks and it's bugging me. I'm not underweight, and i quite fancy a quick trip to the gym as i have the time. I will make me feel revitalised and better. In fact, i'm probably feeling lethargic because of the fact i'm NOT doing any! However, most people at the leisure centre know my mum and would tell her if i went. That's why i won't be able to do spinning again for a while. It sucks! I think i'm just going to have to ignore them and go to the gym, because i hate not doing anything, i feel shit and unhappy and i want to exercise!

Ranting over! Gawd - a confessional and a rant in one day, i bet your wishing this blog would wrap up and shut up right now! Well, you almost have your wish.

Just to finish up with the food diary for the day. Please forgive the lack of calories next to the foods, when i binge i don't tend to look at the content of anything given that it's usually already in the cake hole before the wrappers hit the bottom of the bin:

FOOD DIARY:

BRUNCH BINGE/PURGE:
3 Reese's Cups
Caramac
1 Magnum Gold
2 Magnum Almond
1 Ritter Sport Marzipan
1 424g block of Marzipan
5 strawberries
1 bowl of pretzels
1 extra thick cheese sandwich
...with lettuce

LUNCH:
Nothing

TEA:
Nothing

SNACKS:
Nothing

Drinks:
2pt of squash
1 can of diet coke

TOTALS: Unknown.

So that's the embarassing truth of it all. I have had a headache since the purge which i presume is because of not enough liquids. I had a can of coke when i got home, but i'm not going to drink anymore until tomorrow morning's weigh in.

Tomorrow is the dreaded day for the doctor's appointment at 7.40am. This probably means that if they run my stats they'll be low. They are always low in the morning. Both my parents have the day off and so they are going to drive me up there. I gave mum a look an she said they'd wait in the car, even though i said i'd walk back. I think they think i'm going to do a runner. In fact, i was until they volunteered to excort me there. I think i'm just going to tell the doctor that i'm not sure what to say as i am here on the recommendation of other people. I will give counselling or whatever a shot, can i go now...?

As long as she doesn't ask questions like 'When was your last period?' which gives away way too much on my part___(5.5 months), or 'How often, on average, do you purge?'____(about 4 times a day at the moment, but i purge virtually everything i eat). Oh - and the dreaded weight test, NO WEIGHING PLEEEASE! Damn, i'm squirming already!

To Bonnie: I'm glad to hear you're doing ok with food, it's always a continual balancing act literally and metaphorically, isn't it?I guess i'd feel the same as you if the positions were switched. But, in regards to my parents recent proactive behaviour, i can't regard it with anything much other than annoyance, and sometimes anger. I can see that they are getting concerned but i feel so manhandled and...in short, NOT IN CONTROL!Those are always the key words with eating disorders aren't they?What happens happens. I'll update you tomorrow evening on how the dreaded event went. xx

Please send me a whole lotta love everyone because i'm actually scared / angry / unsure,

XxPoppyxX

PS. A New Blog is COMING SOON! In a few more days, get ready to switch over to a better brighter blog with my entire backlog of blogs, even from the beautyisbones site! It took me hours, so hopefully you'll like it :)

Life in the Bell Jar

I'm back, but i seem to be fighting an eternal battle with 9st! Whatever i have done, i have not managed to crack under 125lbs since that last time! I suppose there is only so far i can blame it on a slow gut, or lack of fluid loss or an inaccurate scale. The truth is my bulimia has stretched beyond any sort of control and i am binging and vomitting all the time now. In fact, whenever i eat i purge. I excuse the fact that i eat because i reason that i purge afterwards, but we all know some portion of it is retained.

To conclude: weight is the same because my control is as firm as a wet fish!

This would all be manageable if i had weeks of solace and space to get this control back. However, my family has taken their plan of attack to new grounds. My mum has had another chat with me and unfortunately none of what i have been doing, including frquency, has passed by her. Both her and my stepdad are going to effectively frogmarch me down to the doctors friday morning. I just keep thinking, 'But i'm not thin enough yet!'. Even when my mum was having a heart to heart with me, my main argument back was so rubbish. I think i was out of angles, i just kept saying 'But i'm NOT UNDERWEIGHT!'.

We will see what happens, but they can't section me until i'm underweight so i'm safe from anything like that. I don't even know what i'm going to say to the doctor, given that i don't want to be there in the first place...

I am going to persist in getting under 9st. If i can just get to 8st then maybe i will consider maintaining. I can't even do exercise much now because mum has told people and they have stopped exercising with me.

NEWS!! - Just to let you know that the mymirrorimage site will only be active until the 3rd September then it will stop. It just hasn't attracted much attention and i want to dedicate my attentions to this blog. I am even thinking of re-vamping it! What do you think?

It's been a while since the last blog, so how are you all doing? Still struggling? Anyone done particularly well or badly on weight loss? Can anyone relate with family/doctor issues? Tips?


(The title reference to 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath, who killed herself aged 30, after years of depression. Fantastic book on depression with indications of Bulimia in her main character. Excellent book!)

Give me strength,

Poppy xox

No matter how many times i write it next to my name, THIN spells FAT

S is for suicide in my own flesh

C is for carving my own bone dress

A is for anger bottled up inside

R is for reason which leaves with the tide

E is for eating and flushing it down

D is for dreading the part where i drown.

Don't worry - i'm not suicidal. I've been there before, and i'm miles away from being that bad. I'm just going with the poetical flow. Bit melodramatic, i know, but i can't be long today. The facts are as follows:

- Putting on lbs blows

- I have put on lbs

- I will put on at least another lb tomorrow (because of a meal)

- This is unavoidable unless i purge

- Purging will be difficult

- Ergo i'm freaking out and want to hide in a hole.

I will report back from the safety of my bunker when the weight has left again. I will strive to do everything i can in my power to get it off asap, but i will not feel right again until i am back to 8st 12 (124lbs). This may mean a few days, however i could dip in and out depending on my mood. It's just a heads up that things might be a bit fucked up for me in the next few days. :(

Love, hugs and lightness,

Poppy xox

Oblivion is sometimes a pleasant thing

How do i start?

You know when a day starts well and you think everything will go ok. I forget how much sway my habits have on my emotions.

I woke up at 9.30am today and weighed myself. I had maintained, so i was still under 9st. Good, but time to b/p. I went straight onto the binging / purging, and i was at it for 7 hours straight, bar going to the supermarket once to restock.

Suddenly, after i had done my last purge and swept everything away like it never happened, i slumped. I am completely physically and emotionally exhausted and my emotions are zinging around my body like fireflies. Completely out of control and upsetting. I feel really sad and angry at the same time. My body feels limp all over and i feel slightly dizzy.

I developed a bad headache, so decided not to go to my spin session. This really got my mum angry, but in turn that made me angry. She harps on about not doing exercise if i'm not eating properly, and the one time i act sensible and decide not to go because i feel rubbish, she gets angry at me! I can't talk about it, it gets me mad.

I have a thumper of a head right now and have just taken some syndol (first time in a while) which should get rid of it and get me to sleep. I try not to take syndol a lot recently because my heart rate is already quite slow, so i don't want to slow it much further otherwise it could get dangerous.

Lies spread like wildfire when you have an ED, and i think i've just kicked it up a notch today. I have been placating my mother for weeks about booking an appointment to see a doctor. I have never meant to do anything about it. In a further step, i have booked an appointment 2 weeks in advance of today which i do not intend to turn up to. I'll later say i forgot, book another and pretend i turned up to that one. All in all, i intend to string out these fake visits for almost 2 months at which point it won't matter if they know because i'll almost be at my goal weight.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Constantly, 9.30am-4.30pm

Exercise - walk into town, 50 sit ups. Feeling shit, so haven't done much.

Weight: 125lbs

Pulse (BPM): 46bpm

I feel like crying right now so i'm going to go and try and drop off to sleep before anyone comes home. They will probably get angry and shout at me for not eating with them either. I am already pushing it today and i sooo want to go down another lb tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice and support Bonnie. That's rubbish about the weight, but i guess it was a shift in water weight. It is so frustrating when that happens. I tend to find if you change your cal intakes, and only b/p some days, that is the best method. Although b/p usually only loses water weight. I guess you never lose the weight fast enough - it is never quick enough for us!

I will wait for a few more responses in regards to mirrorimage and see.

Back tomorrow for much of the same probably,

Poppy xox

I may not ever be perfect, but i won't be a fat monster

My stomach is swirling up a storm at the moment - it actually got fed! It is really making me uncomfortable because i don't like the idea that food is being digested. So let's crack on with this so that i can get to sleep and ignore it.

Today i got on the scales and fantastically enough, had stayed the same. It was early so i had to sneak into the bathroom with the scales 'hidden' under my dressing gown. It was probably as subtle as carmen miranda in a convent...

The problem is with this good weight loss is that i don't know which of the pills is making it happen or whether it is just my body. I think it is either the kelp or the diet pills, but either way i have to be careful not to throw them off balance. I make sure to take my cocktail of pills in the morning as follows: multivitamin, iron, vegetarian omega 3, kelp, caffiene, diet pills (optional) and laxitives (optional). I have also just bought pottasuim, and magnesuim & calcuim tabs to help keep my system well.

I had to go to my workplace early to tell my boss i had got another job. When i got in the car, i had to roll my eyes at my bad luck - the laxitives i had taken the night before were kicking in and giving me horrendous pains. I had to endure the journey without giving too much away. Eventually when we parted ways from the car, i dashed to the loo for a good 40 mins.

I nipped into town and got a smaller pair of jeans as the others were sliding off me. I also bought some lunch and snacks which i had intended to eat and purge later. I wasn't even worried about it as i knew right from the moment i bought the stuff that i WOULD successfully get rid of it. It is like it's not even an option now - i will purge, and most will come out.

I got home not long after arriving and ate my way through 2 scones, a wrap, a large bag of tortillas, a fruit bar and a bag of white chocolate. I purged at intervals then spent the afternoon reading.

When my sister came home, she realised we needed to whizz to the supermarket so i went with her. We lingered over the ice cream aisle, and she was spending far too long checking out the cal and fat contents on the biscuits for me to not be convinced that she might develop an ED. It scares the shit out of me.

Later, we went to a spin class and i now feel better for working off the soup and olives that are being floated around in my stomach. yuck. I am just hoping the scales are good to me tomorrow.

Marie - Yes, i am going to take the job. My dream career is within mental health and so it is a fantastic career move. This may seem odd, given my situation, but i'd like to think my postition has helped me gain better insight into those who are suffering. I could try to gradually increase my food, however i am just too terrified to do it. I tried today with lunch, but i could already see it wasn't going to stay.

It's not so much that professionals would tell me to gain weight if and when i wanted recovery, it's that i would inevitably gain. Obviously, as is well known, as soon as you return to a healthy eating pattern, weight will shoot up because the body is regulating itself. I just can't have it doing that and there's no way to avoid it.

How the? Gosh! - how did you manage 6lbs? Are you sure you didn't leave a leg in your bed or something??? That's fantastic :) I suppose it's keeping it off now, as it can be sooooo voilatile. Good Luck!

TCStar - Fantastic to hear from you girlie!! With diet pills, there are different ones depending on what effect you want. Obviously, if you can try to avoid them as they can be expensive and short term. However, Hoodia is good. It is an appetite surpressant, however some types don't seem to work as well as others and you should make sure you get PURE hoodia, without any added crap.

Patches don't seem to work for me, and neither do miracle three day pills. Proactol is another good pill. It is said to bind fat molecules together thus reducing the amount you take in. It is quite expensive though, but is more scientifically backed. Try to steer clear of fat pooing pills. I tried some and they did work, but it leaves nasty bright orange (and i mean bright!) smeers in your toilet and pants (err...you get the picture).

Weight loss teas are good for short term and have the added benefits of being good at ridding the body of nasty toxins without flushing good stuff. It will only last a little while though.

For natural stuff, on top of tea, apparently having lots of water-rich foods such as berries, watermelon, soup, etc orks because you are flushing your body. The idea is, the more water you intake the more you get rid of as well. Otherwise your body will store water as it isn't sure when more is coming. I haven't tried it though, because i tend to veer along the dehydration route. I don't have the balls to gulp down 2ltrs of water a day then stand on the scales :/

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: I don't mean to stick this at the bottom, guys, but i will allow you a little time to think about this. Given the situation with my job, and the fact i'm not made of money, i am considering closing mymirrorimage.com. It doesn't generate a lot of activity and it is costing me money, albeit not heaps. Unless small donations are made, which seems harsh on all you guys, it may have to close before the next payment. I will still keep this blog open and continue on, regardless. However, please leave comments below as to whether you wish it to stay up, or would be ok with the blog. Speak out now or you may regret it...

Love

Poppy xox

Broken things

Yes - we are indeed pictureless and extrememly brief today!
I am hunched under the table with my laptop in a darkened dining room because i wanted to quickly explain my absence from the blog.
In short, my computer contracted a virus and it is in the process of rebuilding itself and downloading the right patches to protect itself. I haven't been able to get on it since the last time i wrote to you all.
I am now officially under 9st as of this morning! whoop! however, i think i may have undone that by eating more than i should of today. This is largely due to my conflicting emotions about whether i should embrace recovery or not. It has been a case of 'yes, i can eat this...i eat it.... AH! NO! food is dangerous...i purge....but i shouldn't feel bad....i eat....ahhhh! (you get the picture).
I have been offered the job i had the interview for yesterday. It involves working closely with those who are mentally ill in a ward environment. It is exactly what i want, but obviously this may be a problem if i am 'ill' myself. Ergo, recovery makes sense. However, everytime i think about putting on weight and letting go it hurts so much and i shrink away from it. I DO NOT want to put on ANY weight. In fact, i still think i could lose some. I am so close to my goal - only 2st to go!
Anyways, i have to go now because i have an early morning tomorrow.
Poppy xox

"Guess what? ... I'm not a robot"

It's ok to say you've got a weak spot

You don't always have to be on top

Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable

You are not a robot,

You're loveable, so loveable,

But your just troubled.

I'm addicted to the Marina and the Diamonds song. I thought it says a lot of things that i want to say, and some i wish i could.

Just a quickie because i have an interview tomorrow.

I remained the same this morning which devastated me after maintaining myself so well yesterday. I didn't eat or drink through the morning but when i walked home i bought some grocery items. Most were cupboard items that wouldn't perish quickly. This was to stop me feeling as though i HAD to b/p them to get rid of them rather than waste them.

When i got home my parents were out. I did a dash b/p in 10 minutes which was a completely horrid mess of angel delight, peanut butter sandwich, chocolate cake, fudge and chocolate orange. I was called downstairs to help out with chores and was almost scratching myself with desperation as i had to leave my room before i had purged enough. Or so it felt.

Then we had visitors and i really wanted to stay away from the food. But all i could think of was the bread that my stomach was yet to get rid of. So i guess somewhere in my Bulimic mind it was decided that the best way to sort out this mess is to get REALLY full on food to get a large purge. So with that i had biscuits, cake and another peanut butter sandwich. Once the visitors left, i was quite stuffed, not very painfully but enough for me to want to get rid of it.

My parents were invited out but my sister stayed. I said i'd put a pizza in for us when tea time came around. The binge was all set to continue. I stuffed 1/2 packet of chocolates down and a couple of bakewells. That was when i really felt sick. Not just like 'I'm going to make myself ill' sick, but like 'I'm not going to stop this even if i want to' sick. It is the best type because my body automatically took over and purged the whole lot without me even forcing it. Luckily, at this point my sister had gone for a run.

By the time she got back, she asked about the pizza but i was still feeling queezy and no longer hungry. I told her i was feeling ill, she glared and told me she'd get her own tea. I weighed myself and i'd gone down! Yippee! I was convinced i would go up, and i still am scared that tomorrow i will stand on them and have gone up 6lbs or something.

Cross fingers that i go down, because if i go down then i will feel good and probably do better in the interview. If i go up, i will be depressed and do badly.

Bonnie - I know what you mean about junk food calories. Sometimes i can't believe they can squeeze that many into such a small surface area of food! At least you can make amends to fix it now though, rather than be halfway through eating it and seeing the cals.

Yes, i am constantly surprised by my body at the moment. I am getting bruises everywhere and my body senses are heightened because i feel everything more. I can't see many bones yet, apart from my clavicles and my spine when i bend. I have got into the habit of leaning on my hip bones when i am reading or something though. handy! :p

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - God knows! I would guesstimate my purging around 4 times but i'm not sure

Exercise - Nothing. How pathetic.

Weight - 128lbs

Pulse (BPM)- 48bpm

Right, nighty night, wish me luck and speak tomorrow,

Poppy xox

Short and sweet ... and totally calorie free

I cannot say my day has been deviod of calories, but i promise you will not gain a single ounce by reading this blog. WARNING: Poppy is not responsible for any weight you may gain or lose while reading this blog due to your own activities.

Today has been a good day that has almost turned into a bad day, but was saved from the brink time and time again.

The good news is that i weighed myself today and i lost a lb. Yipee! The bad news is that for no discernable reason, i will probably find i have put it back on again by 5am tomorrow morning. Sigh...

Today i got up at 5am and managed to take my time getting ready. I carefully planned my layers of clothing, and almost find it necessary to use pins in my work skirt to keep it up. I had the drink that i had promised myself after denying myself a drink last night. Thank god for caffienated bevarages otherwise i would look nothing more advanced than a grunting ball of fluff in the early mornings!

When i arrived for work, i found out that i didn't actually have to be in as i wasn't shifted for it. But i worked it anyways, and it's getting easier to avoid the jam, butter and croissants. At the end of the shift, i really fancied a cheese jacket potato. Whenever i think about having something like that, it is immediately followed by thoughts of where to purge it up and if it is feasable to do it without gaining weight. I decided it was, however my plans had not involved my parents being around.

Unfortunately for my bulimic demon, they were. I jumped in the car and they told me that we were going to a cafe for a piece of cake. First of the parental ambushes to come! I could do nothing but smile and pretend like everything was perfectly normal about it. I decided that i woudl just have to have a scone instead of a potato and make sure to purge it just the same. I scoffed my scone and then only sipped water, enough to let it stick together but not flake apart. They picked at me for not drinking much and i told them to pick their battles - i don't like tap water. Which is true in fact so i wasn't lying.

They dropped me off at home and went shopping. Excellent - time to rid. I ate a chocolate bar and an ice cream i had bought earlier in secret to start the process off. After them, it got a bit crazy as i had another 2 ice creams, a homemade spaghetti carbonara (minus ham), reeses, and jelly bellys. I purged it and then weighed myself - i had gained a little. Time was getting on for me to return to work and i was desperately running from scales to toilet to drink trying to get back down. Eventually i did, but it was tight.

I made some rules for myself as i walked to work, determined that i wouldn't gain tomorrow morning. I decided that i couldn't have any fluid for the rest of the day, and no food. Things almost crumbled when they presented the cheesecake. A few times i chewed/spat the mouthful then washed out my mouth, but i didn't ingest. I steered clear of the fudge but only because i stuffed some in my bag for my box under the bed.

I got home around 9.30pm, and hid the fudge away. I told my mum that i ate cheesecake and she told me not to 'do anything' [purge], and to try not to feel guilty. I told her i'd eaten it earlier and i know. I don't feel guilty for lying and i don't know why. My parents told me, in a joking manner, to stop shrinking. I laughed it off, play punched and steered clear of any accusatory remarks such as 'No way! I can see loads of fat!'

I got in the bath. This in itself isn't very interesting. What was weird about this one was the fact i haven't had a bath (as opposed to a shower) in months. When i pulled myself down the bath, i had the slightly unpleasant sensation of my spine slipping against the tub. I can clearly feel the tip of it through my bottom and it is such a bizzare experience. It makes me want to giggle a bit, rather than act shocked. It's like i'm a child again and discovering my body for the first time like it's all new. It's fascinating to feel parts that i never acknowledged that i had.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Twice, meduim sized binge and a tiny bit to ensure no cheesecake had been digested (mostly water)

Exercise - I'm not counting my walking around at work for 10 hours as exercise. It doesn't feel right...

Weight - 128lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 49bpm

Now, i'm going to have to love you and leave you without any precious pearls of wisdom or rambling epithets. I have work at 5am again tomorrow and i would like to be able to do more than walk around grunting with my head between my coffee-scalded hands.

Let me know how you are all doing. You can all see how i'm doing but i can't find out about you, so please let me know. You are important.

Poppy xox

Losing my marbles but not losing pounds

Here i am again, and i'm still not under 9st! It's getting really painful and tiresome going up and down the very last few lbs, but not under.

Over the last few days i've eaten healthy and not purged, eaten nothing, purged, downed diet pills, laxatives and diuretics, drunk extra water, then no water at all. My body doesn't seem to be reacting the way i imagined with any of it - the weight STILL STAYS ON! argh!

I have gone down a bit today but that might be because my scales got so fed up of me standing on them, they gave me a pity reading and decided 'lets just give her this otherwise she'll try to stand on us again!'

My run yesterday was tough and i had permanent stitches on either side of my rib cage. They re-appeared when walking around town today. I know it's probably to do with electrolyte depletion and dehydration, but if i drink i will probably pile on 3lbs that i scrimped to lose so hard. I really am at a loss. I think instead i wil go to sleep and down a glass of something tomorrow morning as a reward for holding out.

I have been buying smaller clothes. I bought my first UK size 6 (guessing thats a US 2) top today and a size 8 (4) work trousers for an upcoming interview. I don't know how i'm buying these given that i don't feel i've lost any weight in like, ohhhhh.....a CENTURY! But hey-ho, i guess i've just got to keep going.

It's hard because i am getting all this mounting pressure and attention from others about my size, and yet i'm not losing any faster. I want to get to my goal weight before anyone starts really kicking up a stink about things. My mum has already said again about the doctors and today both my parents said that they really didn't want to drag me down there. I think even if they drove me down there without me knowing, i'd jump out the car and march away. Even if they got me into the surgery, i wouldn't wait. If i don't want help, there isn't much they can do given the fact that i am still in the healthy weight bracket (you hearing me mother??? healthy BMI!)

Today started off well, but my weight when i got home sucked, so i binged/purged on chocolate (typical). In the evening, i had 1/3 omlette, salad and 12 grapes. I purged some of it up later for the sake of it. Later in the evening, i binged/purged on a packet of chocolate that my sister and i had driven into town for especially.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Thrice

Exercise - walking around town doesn't feel as though it should count really...

Weight - 129lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 48bpm

So now i'm going to get some sleep because i have work tomorrow and i'm probably going to have a bad day because i will have probably not lost anything by the morning! :/

God i'm such a sourpuss tonight!

Hope you are all having more successful weeks than mine,

Poppy xox

Feeling good and so close to reaching 9st

It's bizzare how going to bed on an empty stomach actually makes you feel happier. Despite a slip earlier today, followed closely by a purge, i haven't eaten anything. I feel so much better, and then i remember that the most this day is going to do is reverse the damage i did yesterday.

As you remember, yesterday was my birthday. I had planned to stick to my evening meal (which i had researched the calories of). However, things did not turn out like that as my family had got time off work for my birthday. Instead i had to go through a stop/start method to purging, only doing it when i could. I was convinced that i was going to pile on the pounds like mad, and that it would take me another month to lose it...or something stupid like that!

Instead, this morning i weighed myself and the damage wasn't so bad as to blow my head off. It's still bad enough for me to shiver internally and want to scrape it off. I went up just under 1lb. My solution was simple - try to avoid eating as much as possible today and exercise as much as possible.

This weigh in had not been easy as i had to wait until 11.30 before my sister left the house. During this time i didn't allow myself to drink as it would have affected my weight. By the time i'd weighed myself, a cool drink was a welcome reward. As i went downstairs to get my drink, i noticed the bread, and cake in the kitchen. Without hesitating, i tucked into 1/4 chocolate cake, a slice of ice cream, and a cheese sandwich. Following that, i bent double over the toilet and rid myself of as much as possible. Double checking on the scales to make sure i hadn't gained.

This called for serious measures. I donned my running kit and went for a jog, planning on doing a couple of laps around the block (roughly 3miles). Instead i decided to take a different route and ended up doing over 6 miles in a storm! I absoloutely poured it down and i had a really fantastic run, not to mention burning over 700 calories :)

After my run, i showered and then had to keep checking myself, as i found that i gravitated towards the kitchen, like i was in a daze. I deviated my attentions by swiging at two pepsi maxes and tidying my room. More clothes got thrown on the 'can't wear any more' pile and stashed degrading chocolate wrappers from behind my bed got binned. I actually asked my mum for a wicker bin (so that i actually have a bin, rather than a 'bin' that i use for purging), and she got me one as a birthday present!

Later in the day, i went to my evening spinning class. I made it tough for myself but i was on a roll with exercise and wanted to get ahead, and lower than i have before with my weight. Tomorrow is a 5 mile cross country run - whopee!

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - once

Ran - 6.15 miles

Spinning - 50 minutes

Weight - 130lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 52bpm

Love to you all. Thanks for the birthday wishes Bonnie!

Speak soon,

Poppy xox

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

23 years old today!

(or 18 again, as i like to say)

I'm going to get in some exercise before the day truly begins. I'll be back here later to update you on how the day went.

XOX POPPY XOX

Saying NO - preparing for the beginning of a battle of wills

Things are changing in my world, and i'm fast realising that they are getting serious.

I know the consequences of my actions and i am still not ready to give them up, in fact i can't imagine ever giving them up. I really don't want to. However, my mum approached me last night and said that she thought it was about time her and I went to see the doctor. I changed the topic and said that i would let her know what i thought another night. She mentioned it again tonight. In fact, loads of people have been mentioning it, some behind my back to my mum and they are getting her worried. I wish they would leave it alone.

In short, if she forces me to repsond i'm going to tell her that i'm not going. I WILL NOT see a doctor yet. I'm not even a low weight - I'm 130lbs for christs sake! Admittedly, if i had lost all the weight starting off as a 'normal' weight, i wouldn't be alive right now. Regardless, i am not going to recover yet when i don't even want to.

My fear of gaining weight has grown into something completely out of my control and bigger than it has ever been before. I am peterified if i even put on so much as a pound or two. The thought of me 'getting help' when i know that i will gain at least two stone sets my resolve firmly against doing it. I CANNOT gain that much, i would rather slit my wrists.

Enough of the melodramatic, things are getting there with me. I'm on the slow slog that i always face when reaching the lower end of a stone - it always seems to take yonks to lose the last few lbs in that stone and the first few lbs in order to 'secure' your weight in the lower stone. Only 2 stone to go now until i reach my goal weight!! woo hoo!!

I was so chuffed to see my weight ticker today - i look like i've got so far! I really cannot give up now.

In the interests of being honest, and this being a blog that reflects all aspects of an eating disorder, there is one side affect which i must tell you about. Now, anorexics are know for having low heart rates due to an electrolyte imbalance (caused by vomitting), and lack of muscle tissue where the heart muscle is being consumed. A normal BPM pulse is between 60-100 beats per minute. If your resting pulse rate is constantly falling below 60 (more specifically 50bpm), and you have dizzy spells, headaches, etc, then it might be bradycardia. This means your heart rate is slow enough to cause a cardic arrest.

My bpm isn't always under 50, however more often than not it is between 40-55bpm. Yesterday afternoon it was 44bpm, today is was 53bpm.

I have started taking my multivitamins again to try and keep my potassuim and iron levels up. Hopefully they will counter any lack that i am suffering from.

I know this is an odd little blog, and i don't mean to worry you all. Honestly, it sounds worse than it is because i am really not that thin. In fact, i am right in the middle of a healthy bmi. So, i don't know why everyone is going weird - i wish they would leave me alone.

It is my birthday on Tuesday and as a treat i am going to my favourite restaurant with my family. I have already researched their nutritional charts and checked for the lowest meal, and i will exercise before. It's just a shame that i won't reach under 9st (126lbs) before my birthday :(

Speak tomorrow - please send me hugs because i just b/p ed on two bags of chocolate and i want to cry because i am so paranoid i didn't get rid of it all. I really will hate myself if i maintain my weight tomorrow.

Poppy xox

Blue Nude, Picasso, 1902: My Soul

I could sit and pour my emotions into this painting, or maybe it's siphoning emotions off to me? I can't tell.

This is my favourite painting ever. Every particle of me tingles and weeps when i see this. I think i am right in saying it speaks deeply to many of us with eating disorders. We don't have to see her face to know exactly what she is thinking and feeling. We are her.

This is going to be a quick pit stop blog today because it's already late, i'm tired and i have to get up early tomorrow.

Today has been a good day for me.
In short:
- Ran 5 miles in 1 hour (cross country)
- Binged/Purged 0 times (OMG! Totally unheard of in the last few months!)
- Consumed 204kcals (soup & 3 crackers)

I have been embracing the squeeze of the hunger pains again. It's an easy thing to get un-used to, although it feels like some odd hug whenever i get them. A new sense of anticipation courses through me each time my stomach moans.

Today has been a string of boringness - work from 8am until 3pm, shopping for an hour, home, run at 6pm then tea at 6.30pm.

As i mentioned before, i am off for a few days. Yay! I am looking forward to this, not least because i will be entirely on my own and have my own free will in things. I have already packed caffiene pills and poured a large amount of salt into a sealed bag for flavour. We will just have to see what happens, i'm not holding my breath for my self control!

I am going to part before i say any more and jinx things. I will see you all in a few days time. Please leave me lots of messages and surprise me for when i get back :)

Keep well,

Poppy xox

Ps. For Marie: Good to hear from you again! I know what you mean about a last minute rush - in order to stay on my revised plan of weight loss, i have to lose another 8lbs in 11 days! I'm sure you can do it though, and think of how well you have done so far! What is your eating like at the moment? How many cals are you restricting to, if you are at all? xx

The Bloated Marmot Returns, 2nd edition

[Damn javascript just turned my first paragraph into a load of arrows! Here we go, try number two!...]

Ugh! This is how i feel at the moment. Indeed, if you want to picture me, imagine me like a furry over-bloated marmot wishing its own claws would scratch out its eyes rather than look at the mountain of flesh under its vision!

I have been avoiding retuning to my blog for a while due to 1. Laziness (unacceptable) and 2. Anger and shame at myself (a given factor).

I am currently at 135lbs but i wanted to be so much lower. The weight is coming off me really slow and i know it's because i'm purging nearly all the food i eat. This wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't eating more due to this. So, i am going to have to try and curb my over-zealous eating. Although i am going away on my own for a few days so i will probably 'treat' myself to a b/p on one of the days. I can't really eat anything bt fruit at the moment without purging it, thus my purging routine is about 3 times a day at least. Sucks...

Anyways, I won't go on about today because i want to write a fresh blog tomorrow. I will be away for a few days after Monday, but i'll try to be more regular then. Maybe this is a bit mean to tease you with a couple of blogs before going again, but i didn't want you to get concerned. Thanks anon for your concern - i am ok. No fainting spells! Hope you are doing well? I do hope to see light at the end of the tunnel eventually, however i don't think i'm there just yet. I have tremendous admiration and respect for those who have taken or are taking that step to get support though. They are incredibly brave.

Message for Bonnie: Hi! Firstly, don't panic. I'm not angry at you! I'd much rather you shared you views. I like to think of this blog as a forum where there are ni inhibitions and we can discuss those views closest to us without fear of hurting someone else or scaring them away.

It's difficult for me to try and get my head around this because i am trying to deal with possibly the two closest things in my life - my mother and my eating disorder. On the one hand, i am concerned, almost upset, that she hasn't seen anyone about my eating disorder and thought my behaviour of substatial concern, enough to merit visiting someone about it or expressing her concerns. However, i am also relieved because the ED part of me wants to stay in the dark like some magic trick, waiting until the transformation to be complete before i pop out and shout 'ta da!!'.

My mum HAS had anorexia in the past, so nothing much has gotten around her depite the fact i hide it as much as possible. I placate her by telling her that i'm trying to sort out counselling. I acknowledge to her that i have a problem , i say that i will get help in the future but not yet - 'i'm not ready yet'. I suppose given that i'm not underweight*, and that i'm over 18 and have had this for years, it is very difficult to take the leap to see someone about it. Also, my stint in hospital didn't go too well, and she sees it that hospital wouldn't do me any good. Maybe she is trying to deny it is happening because she is truly scared for me. I don't know.

(*I actually have a smack-in-the-middle BMI of 21.9. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 25. To work out your own bmi, click HERE.

Since starting this latest stint, i have lost 4st 7lbs (63lbs), which, if i had started at a normal weight, would most certainly now be classed as anorexic/anorectic. Yet, as i started out in the obese BMI range, it is only now that things are being noticed. I feel such scorn towards peoples change in views between being judged as an overweight person and as a normal weight person. When i was losing weight in the obese range, so many people saw my loss as fantastic and a great improvement. Many told me 'Good Work!'. Now, because i am normal range, people are concerned and telling me 'don't lose too much weight!'. Hypocrites!

Enough ranting! Let me know how you're all doing yourselves. How is your weight loss and eating disorder going? - bad? good? - what defines those??

Hugs,

Poppy xox

You don't realise how far you have walked, until you look back...

Hi.

I can only apologise for the days of silence that have passed. I'm sure with my site being 'down' it may have looked like i'd packed up shop, but i haven't. Mymirrorimage just needed to be funded differently which meant a lack of payment at the time.

It has been a difficult June, mostly because i have been jumping up and down from 140lbs, when i really wanted to be on 130lbs (at least) by now. But i am back under 140lbs and determined to get far under it now.

One of the reasons i chose to write now is because i think i'm still in shock by what happened today, but i realised how 'bad' my ED was. Here's the tale:

My mum knows about my ED, and she even goes as far as emptying out my containers of vomit which i try to keep hidden from her out of shame. I hate her doing this and she will search my room for them. Yesterday i purged about 3 times and filled two containers.

I have one container which my mum knows about and checks, but i have another which i secretly keep somewhere else which she doesn't know about. It's like my backup.

When i got home from work today, i tried to help my mum put the shopping away. I get quite posessive over any food and like to put it away in a certain order or form, etc. When i tried to help today my mum told me to just 'get out'. It really upset me and i'd been feeling on edge for days - wanting to cry but not being able to.

I went upstairs and checked my second container only to find that it wasn't there. I frantically checked everywhere only to realise that mum must have found it and thrown it away. That was the final straw and i just broke down and cried for 30 mins. I was so angry and scared because it was my back up. That's when i realised how far my ED has come - when i'm crying over the loss of a plastic container. I mean, it felt like a rug had been pulled from under me.

So.... Today has been tiring. After i stopped crying, and my mum hugged me, we had lunch. They went out and i purged it. Then i fell asleep for a few hours before getting up and eating again.

Yeah - it's going to get really boring repeating it, but i ate and vomitted a few times. Although the fact my sister is around so much and keeps follwing me is making it frustratingly difficult to purge after i've eaten. I have to be really creul and cold to her sometimes for no reason just to get her to leave me alone so i can purge. I am always sorry that i have to do that.

I am determined to stay under 140 today despite eating and doing no exercise. So i've purged, used a suppository laxative and i have taken 6 laxatives which are probably going to kick in around the time my shift starts at 6.30am tomorrow morning! shit!

Sorry this is brief, i need to get some shut-eye. Hope you are all ok.

I'm scared.

Poppy xox

Pounds drop off as quickly as thick paint drying on a muggy day

It's always difficult when you get towards the lower end of a stone (14lbs). For me, i want to get on it then as soon as i hit my target, i want to get as quickly below and away from that number as possible.

It has taken me a painful few days of measuring the individual 1/4 pounds that keep me from my goal. Today i just reached under it, but that was only after purging. Tomorrow could go either way - i could put on due to the fact i drank again in the evening, or i could continue to lose.

I am so hoping that i get under my mark. Time seems to speed up and your weight loss seems to slug around and slow down as soon as a chink of light is in sight.

I have been working ALOT lately - but i don't know what i expect with three jobs! I am going to stop here because i am going to return and post something tomorrow, preferably before 4pm. We'll see...

Let me know how your doing. You all sound so busy and involved with your lives at the moment - it is really uplifting to hear from you.

Until later,

Poppy xox

I'm not prepared to be scared by my eating disorder yet. It's not finished.

I'm not quite sure how i feel today.

When i was searching for pictures to use on today's blog, i came across the usual worrying array of pictures that diplay what 'eating disorders' are really like. Problem is i feel like this train is going too fast. I can't stop what i'm doing because when i do i'll put on weight and i'm deathly afraid of that happening. I'd love to be able to eat normally and not engage in dangerous behaviours, but it scares me that all the weight might go back on again.

I keep on losing weight because i don't feel thin enough yet, not compared to others around me. Also i want to give myself at least half a stone as a 'safety net'. This means that if i do eat something bad, i still have 7lbs gap before whichever weight i said i would never get to again.

Anyways, just thought i'd air my views. In reply to your response Bonnie, don't worry about feeling like you have nothing to say. I'm even chuffed to see a smiley face in the comments box! Yes, i know that purging this much is a lot, and it had increased over the months again. I continue to reason with myself and my parents that it is less than i have done it in the past (which got to 6 times a day), therefore it is at a satisfactory level for me. I feel it is under control - not too little, but not too much. Obviously, i'm not quite fooled because i know my concept of what is control is probably warped, but i am too chicken to venture out of my ED safe zone yet. I have had no reply from the counsellors at present, but they did say it could take up to a month.

If it's any consalation, physically i'm not in a dreadful state. My teeth may be yellowing, but not too badly, i check my pulse and it is a few beats under regular limits, and i only get acid reflux very occasionally. Currently, i'm actually at a healthy weight for my height (140lbs) and i'm actually at less risk of any heart problems than when i was obese in January. Also, i haven't fainted once as yet....

Does that make it any better? I will see a counsellor though, as long as they don't try to force me to talk to a doctor. Not yet.

Right, onto today. I decided to leave yesterday because it was pretty much the norm - fruit box, 2/3 bag of tortillas, purged, 4 miles run, skipped tea to counterbalance calories. The Tuesday morning i had lost another 2lbs.

Wednesday 16th June

Quick bites:

- Weight lost/gained: lost 1lbs

- Binged/Purged: twice

- Exercise: 3 mile run

Fantastic news! I broke my barrier of lowest weight i have got to and have lost all the weekend weight i wanted to shift. I was so chuffed, however it makes me more nervous to be exactly on a stone, because if you gain you are losing your grip on it. I get itchy to get past that stone into the lower one and make as bigger gap as possible between it and where i am now. So right now i want to move into the 9st region and get as far away from the double digit as possible.

I made up my fruit box and went to work. Time went quickly, and for lunch i sat in the toilets licking my spoon clean of a fat free raspberry yoghurt. Who knew you could love a yoghurt so much?! Onto the rest of the day, and the afternoon slugged by. For lunch i mooched into town and bought some bits...i won't bore you with what you will already expect it to be. You are right - it is the sort of stuff you would expect it to be.

In the last hour at work, i sat in the toilets munching a bag of white chocolate covered fudge and purging it. Fudge ain't fun to b/p on, but then neither is peanut butter and i love it! I wasn't convinced i'd managed to remove it all so planned my run when i got home.

The driving home with my mum was horrible and i felt stressed when at home. I picked at 1 olive, 1 piece of pineapple and a strawberry. When mum went out to her exercise class, i spotted ym chance and idly began munching on the rest of the bag of tortillas. I stopped myself, got changed for a run and ran for 36 minutes.

When i got home, i decided i needed to miss dinner in order to make up for the calories that might have been digested when i b/p ed on the crisps and fudge. I arranged my washing up on the side board and then picked up an ice cream, bread roll and the rest of the crisps and sauntered upstairs. I added to the collection from my own stash, with chocolate macadamia nuts. I b/p ed it all.

Since then, i have been weighing myself regularly, and have remained the same. I am afraid to drink anything in case it messes up tomorrows weigh in, especially when i'm so close to going down a stone. *Cross fingers*

Please feel free to shout out below :)

Poppy xox

Mind over Matter, or the Mind Matters, or Matters effect Minds?... Or i'm just talking s**t!

All's quiet on the blog front at the moment then? I'm guessing you are all away trying to deal with things - i hope things haven't been too rough for any of you this weekend gone?

Eating Disorders often have ways of peaking and dipping, not to say, though, that any day goes away stress free.

My day has been relatively straight forward. Although it's not been a 'clean sweep' (day of no food), it has not been a HUGE binge day or a day where i have ate normally.

Quick Bites:

Weight lost/gained: lost 2lb

Binged/Purged: once

Exercise: run, 5 miles in 55 minutes

I awoke to the insistent beeping of my alarm clock, which, after a moments confusion, i remembered i had incovieniently placed across the room. I pulled myself out of bed and made for the bathroom, keeping with my pessimictic train of though: I've probably put on weight. But the scales argued different, even on the fifth try. I had lost 2lb! yippee! Only 1lb to go until i am back to the pre-bad weekend weight, then it's all go on trying to get as far away from that weight as possible.

I dithered about what to do first: run or go and replace food? I decided to replace the food i had binged on first, given that the supermarket could run out of some of it if i went to late. I was lucky, as they had almost run out of the ice cream i needed to replace. I got raspberries, blueberries and nectarines for my fruit box, 2 no fat yoghurts to try, 2 food magazines which actually turned out to have really good recipies in them, a bag of chocolate mice, hersheys cookies and cream bar, ice cream that needed replacing, and a bottle of diet coke. I was tempted by the ice cream because there's a new one with really inventive flavours like blackberry and pink grapefruit. But i didn't get them because i wouldn't want to purge them. I'd be trying them as a foodie, not a bulimic (if that makes any sense to anyone!).

I walked back home and found out that my driving lesson had been cancelled. Now i was left with the house alone and a bag full of shopping. I put it away but leave out one yoghurt and mix it with a small portion of fruit, dutifully counted for calories. I really enjoyed it, slowly licking the spoon clean. I put on a film, and an hour in i had already binged/purged on the hershey bar, one of the ice creams, the bag of chocolate mice and a portion of stuffed pasta. I managed to get most of it out and quickly went upstairs to weigh myself. I had lost, but couldn't trust my weight until tomorrow morning. So, dinner was now out of the equation and running was now necessary.

I tidy my room and mark some papers. It's a slow business! Everything is clean and presentable when my mum gets home - no signs of any purging anywhere. Both my parents get ready for exercise at the local centre and try to quiz me on my career...again! Bare in mind, they have bene doing this most days for weeks now. If i'm not moving forward enough for them, it's not good enough. They say the job i want to do isn't feasable to train for at the moment, and try to force me to consider another job - the one THEY have wanted me to do for years. Trying to put me in the hole they think i'll fit. Forcing me in, but i'm not willing to go in. I just hide my face in my hands and i feel upset. They drop it eventually.

When they leave, i get changed and go for a run. It's a good run and i manage 5 miles in under an hour. The music is really helping and i'm developing a running playlist. I check out the calories i burned - it should be enough to cover any excess calories i didn't purge in the afternoon. I get in, have a shower. I sneak a diet coke up to my room (i have been told off for having it after running because 'it's not good'. In truth i know, but who cares? Plus, i'm 22 for christ's sake! Get off my back!) I skip dinner as it will just be tempting fate to have anything else.

Now i've finished marking more papers, and need to get some sleep before driving tomorrow. Last time i drove to work in the am, i was not with it so i need more zzz's now!

Please feel free to leave comments, wishes, hopes and smiley faces below!

Love Poppy xox

Teetering on the edge - the tricky business of shifting the pounds

Back for another blog!
I always worry that these blogs get boring for you - 'i'll try to be good, slip up, purge'. Each day ends up like a roller coaster of emotions for me, but it may seem like i'm just whining from the outside, i don't know.

Anyways, let me know if i am. Onto today's happenings, which depsite all the odds don't look like they have turned out as bad as they could have.


Quick facts:
Weight lost - 1lb
Binge/Purged - twice
Exercise - only all the walking i do at work

Let's break this down by time:

6.30am - Wake up. I'm extremely tired because i didn't get home until midnight after work. I weigh myself and find i've lost another lb - excellent! Only a few more to go and i will have gotten rid of the weekend weight i put on when i went away.

7.30-12am - Working in the restaurant. Obstacles i had to avoid included croissants, fudge and buttered toast. I also tried to steer away from any fluids as well, just because if i could manage without them then it would be a bonus when it came to weighing. I found myself so busy and rushed off my feet, that only longing glances at the piles of food would have given away my urge to snarfle them all down and run to the toilet. I just kept, almost, running out of the kitchen whenever i was in there, to avoid any chance of eating. I MADE myself stay out of the kitchen because i knew that even if i had one piece of bread that it would mess up my calories for later - i needed enough calories for the tea later. I also had a backup salad in my bag in case i was working lunch and got hungry about midday. Luckily, i got off early. This had a plus and a minus - the plus was being away from the food and having time off, the minus was the fact that i wouldn't be busy and i would be near more accessable food at home. C'est la vie!

12am-12.30 - I walked to the local supermarket and managed to pick up the low cal meal that i had planned to get for the evening. I had carefully thought about what i was going to get the night before. This would mean i avoided surprises when it came to what i would have, and i could keep tabs on calories, etc. I got a quorn cottage pie (220kcals), a punnet of strawberries and (suprise surprise) a large bag of aero bubbles. Mum comes to get me and i wait in the car as she does her own shopping. She asks me if there is any thing i want. 'Well yes! could you get me a large cheesecake, a pack of doughnuts, bag of cookies, a tub of ice cream, whipped cream and a family size doritos bag please?'. I resist, instead, i just say no.

12.30-4.30 - Back at home. I mark some exams and immediately rip into the large bag of chocolate. My stepdad is painting in the room next door and i try to be quiet while i purge them up. Not the easiest thing, and i swore he heard me more than once, although gave no indication. He went down for his lunch and i purged the rest at ease. I get worried that i haven't purged enough and quickly weigh myself. The scales calm my anxiety temporarily.

4.30-6.30 - My grandma arrives and the dreaded dinner is impending. I stay upstairs incase there's any nibbles to tempt me, then come down when dinner's being served. My plate is the right one, and what's on it meets my approval - only the cottage pie and some veg. After main, everyone has desert and asks me what i'll have. I don't have anything, but mentally keep the cheesecake in mind for later. I decline the chocolate mints that follow as well. My binge demon is knawing at me like some rabid dog - honestly, it's a ba***rd 24/7!

6.30 - My parents say they are going out to the pub, and my grandma says she will go as well then. Fantastic! I have plenty of binge food and now the evening to purge at my leisure too! They go and i immediately reach for the freezer.

6.31-10.00 - Here's what i ended up having and purging: 1ltr of cornish ice cream, a slice of blackberry cheesecake, 10 chocolate mints, 2 bagels with cream cheese and tomato, 2 slices of toast with lots of butter and peanut butter and 1/2 packet of macadamia nuts. After realing that off, i am sincerely surprised that i don't look like some hideous human elephant. It makes me so angry to see it all there and know that i didn't resist and actually ate it! argh!
I put on a DVD, pulled up a bucket and purged. I weighed myself every hour or so to see how weight was doing. I had lost, although, as i have said before, majority was water weight. I was really chuffed as my bowels have actually worked today - can't believe i'm actually happy about doing a poo but it means i might weigh a 1/4 of a lb less right?! :P

10.00-1.30 - I finish the film, purge on the side, book two nights stay in a hotel away for the fam in the summer and do a bit of marking. I spend 30 minutes deciding whether to put more or less on a shopping order and whether or not to move it forward, only to leave it as it is. Now i am going to sleep :)

Fun fun tomorrow - a dicey weigh in, a driving lesson and a trip to the supermarket (again) to replace the food i ate. Soon they're going to know me by name in there!

Night,

Poppy xox

All is not lost.... Right??

No time to be clever or long-winded. This is going to be a very short bullet pointed blog.

I have to get up in 6 hours time to go to work again for a very busy shift and i'm feeling like i want to break down and cry. In fact, i've felt 'on the edge of it' since this afternoon - everyone has been snappy and shouting at me and i feel really upset.

Facts for today:

Weight - lost 2lbs

This is good considering i had that big binge the day before, guess we will have to see if the weight stays off tomorrow morning.

Binge/Purged - once. It wasn't too bad because i have been running around at work today and haven't had time to indulge and eat. I only purged when i came home and had my usual stir fry then followed it up with a scone i had tried my best to deny. Then i purged.

Exercise - well, not really apart from running around like a lunatic for 11 hours today. I waitress so it is tough physical workouts there.

Fears - ontop of 100 other things my mind wants to cry about at the moment, one is that my grandma is coming over for tea tomorrow. It's a sunday so i won't have enough time to buy myself low cal provisions. My parents threw away my omlette so that option is out the window and i finished my stir fry today. In other words, i'm fucked and shitting myself. I am truly upset and scared. I think i am going to pray that i am let off work early so i can buy myself something i know is safe. They bought cheesecake as well, but i will just have to refuse it despite the fact that they boght it especially for me

Must go now. Need sleep and i know tomorrow will be make or break.

Free hugs to all,

Poppy xox

And the beat goes on...

Yep - this is pretty much what today has looked like and that mass in the middle is what i feel like. Admittedly, i have weighed myself virtually every hour after my purge and have not gained. But i am still deathly afraid of getting on those scales tomorrow and finding i have stayed the same or put on anything.

Yesterday was almost a complete success. I will quickly summarise it for you:

Weight lost 1lb, binge/purged once, 40 minutes spinning, ate fruit box, salad box, yellow tomato soup and roll.

There was the hiccup of the fact i b/p ed on 2 mini green and blacks bars and a pack of reeses cups. I also freaked out when i got home and my mum said it was probably too late for me to have my stir fry. I had planned it especially because it was low in calories. I kicked up a bit of a fuss and tried t argue, but had to change my dinner plans to soup which i wasn't as happy with. Stupidly i felt like crying when i was told i had to choose something else.

Anyway, onto today.

Weight - remained same

Binge/Purged - alot of food, took time to purge.

Exercise - 1 hour of running, 5 miles

I got up this morning, convinced that, as i had been so good yesterday, apart from the minor binge/purge yesterday, that i was bound to lose weight. I looked down at the scales - stayed the same. I was gutted and it really set me in the wrong mood for the day. But, alas, that wasn't all. I then went downstairs and my mum, thinking she was doing me a favour, had pre-packed my box of fruit. She had put waaay too much of everything in it and given me a bigger box. I almost had a strop and tried to put some of the fruit back. In the end, i decided that i'd count my usual fruit out then save the rest for the next day.

I was only at work for 3 hours which sped by really quickly. During the last hour, i planned to go to the local supermarket to look for a present for someone. I don't even remember planning on buying binge food, but as i wandered towards the store, things added themselves to my mental shopping list. By the time i got to the shop, i was in a haze of cheesecake, whipped cream, ice cream and carbs. I panicked when i got to the door because i realised i wanted too much 'bad' food to be inconspicuous. It was too late now, i was there - i'd just have to buy more healthy food to cover it up.

The end result was quite a lot of binge food. A smattering of light cream cheese, diet fizz, a civilised packet of nuts, quorn beef slices, soup and pineapple barely concealed my real mission of chocolate chip cookies, chocolate packets, macaroni cheese, multi pack ice creams, and potato salad. I would have got more but i was worried my basket was becoming obvious as it was.

When i got home, i didn't even stop. During the bus journey home, i had even arranged what order to eat the food and when to 'layer' the ice cream in so as to get all the food back. I ate a few bits of chocolate while my bagel toasted, once it toasted i slapped on cream cheese. Eat. Ice cream number one is licked clean off the stick while the macaroni cheese is cooking. Macaroni cheese is ready. Eat. Second and third ice creams eaten. Chocolate, cookies and macadamia nuts are folded into the mix. Then i began the proper purge...

In total from the moment i started eating to the moment i stopped purging, it was 4 hours. This isn't because i am so rubbish that i simply dribble, but because i like to be through. Once done, i cleaned up just in time before mum came home. I let things settle and quickly weigh myself. My weight has gone down but i'm not fooled - it's mostly water weight. The run i'd been planning would act as assurance that most of the calories would stay away from my stomach and thighs.

It was a great run. I now run with my music because i find it acts as great motivation. I mean, the run was difficult but i really pushed myself to do 5 miles and did it! Hopefully it will pay off, i'll just have to see tomorrow. Now i'm finishing here then going to bed as i have work tomorrow and i'm really hoping the fudge looks disgusting or they're running low!

Glad to hear that things are going well for most of you and that you are dealing in your own ways. I'm sorry if i haven't emailed back yet, it's not that i don't care - i REALLY do! I will try to reply this weekend, but trust me - you will get a reply sometime :)

Be Happy,

Poppy xox