Saying NO - preparing for the beginning of a battle of wills

Things are changing in my world, and i'm fast realising that they are getting serious.

I know the consequences of my actions and i am still not ready to give them up, in fact i can't imagine ever giving them up. I really don't want to. However, my mum approached me last night and said that she thought it was about time her and I went to see the doctor. I changed the topic and said that i would let her know what i thought another night. She mentioned it again tonight. In fact, loads of people have been mentioning it, some behind my back to my mum and they are getting her worried. I wish they would leave it alone.

In short, if she forces me to repsond i'm going to tell her that i'm not going. I WILL NOT see a doctor yet. I'm not even a low weight - I'm 130lbs for christs sake! Admittedly, if i had lost all the weight starting off as a 'normal' weight, i wouldn't be alive right now. Regardless, i am not going to recover yet when i don't even want to.

My fear of gaining weight has grown into something completely out of my control and bigger than it has ever been before. I am peterified if i even put on so much as a pound or two. The thought of me 'getting help' when i know that i will gain at least two stone sets my resolve firmly against doing it. I CANNOT gain that much, i would rather slit my wrists.

Enough of the melodramatic, things are getting there with me. I'm on the slow slog that i always face when reaching the lower end of a stone - it always seems to take yonks to lose the last few lbs in that stone and the first few lbs in order to 'secure' your weight in the lower stone. Only 2 stone to go now until i reach my goal weight!! woo hoo!!

I was so chuffed to see my weight ticker today - i look like i've got so far! I really cannot give up now.

In the interests of being honest, and this being a blog that reflects all aspects of an eating disorder, there is one side affect which i must tell you about. Now, anorexics are know for having low heart rates due to an electrolyte imbalance (caused by vomitting), and lack of muscle tissue where the heart muscle is being consumed. A normal BPM pulse is between 60-100 beats per minute. If your resting pulse rate is constantly falling below 60 (more specifically 50bpm), and you have dizzy spells, headaches, etc, then it might be bradycardia. This means your heart rate is slow enough to cause a cardic arrest.

My bpm isn't always under 50, however more often than not it is between 40-55bpm. Yesterday afternoon it was 44bpm, today is was 53bpm.

I have started taking my multivitamins again to try and keep my potassuim and iron levels up. Hopefully they will counter any lack that i am suffering from.

I know this is an odd little blog, and i don't mean to worry you all. Honestly, it sounds worse than it is because i am really not that thin. In fact, i am right in the middle of a healthy bmi. So, i don't know why everyone is going weird - i wish they would leave me alone.

It is my birthday on Tuesday and as a treat i am going to my favourite restaurant with my family. I have already researched their nutritional charts and checked for the lowest meal, and i will exercise before. It's just a shame that i won't reach under 9st (126lbs) before my birthday :(

Speak tomorrow - please send me hugs because i just b/p ed on two bags of chocolate and i want to cry because i am so paranoid i didn't get rid of it all. I really will hate myself if i maintain my weight tomorrow.

Poppy xox