Cookies are my arch nemesis - I think the cookie monster actually lives inside of me!

Back again!

I know! You must be in shock that my blogs are staying this frequent! I'm amazed too. I so loaded down with coursework, but i refuse to let that stop me coming on here every evening.

Today has again been...err...eventful. When i woke up i got uber-dizzy, most likely because of the fact i'd had only an apple, gum and 2 polos the previous day. It took two goes, but i managed to stand upright without a head rush eventually! It was 9am, i didn't eat until 11am when i had the other 1/2 an apple.

I was so chuffed with how i was doing. I've been reading like crazy today - had to get through loads of books for my essay, so that i can begin writing it tomorrow. I'm getting so panicky!

Anyways, it has been an absoloutely beautiful day! This is virtually unheard of in Britian! ;) I went for a walk into town and bought some books. Then i decided it would be a good idea to buy some cookies for my housemates. Can you already see where this is going?...

When i got home, i dumped my stuff. It only took 10 minutes before i'd decided to scoff most. I ate 5 cookies and rapidly purged them. I usually have trouble with bakery goods, but im pretty confident that most of it came out. I weighed myself soon after, and a few hours after, and have stayed the same.

As a punishment, i haven't had anything since 2pm. Only 3 pepsi maxs. I'm just nervous to see the scales tomorrow morning - i don't want to spoil my good progress.

I was invited to go out to eat with a friend yesterday, and my heart started beating about a thousand times faster when she mentioned it. They wanted to go to an actual restaurant, not just somewhere where i could get away with a drink. But it was tonight, and i haven't heard any word. So phew!

Tomorrow it's more work and im hoping to get a good start on my essay. *crosses fingers*. I'm on the edge of panic mode. Give it a few days and im gonna start crying and hyperventialating. :z

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 1/2 apple (36kcal)

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: 1 piece of gum (5kcal)

Drinks: 5 pepsi max (5kcal)

Binged on - 5 cookies (purged all)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 46kcal

EXERCISE LIST:

Walking: 40 minutes at least (150kcal)

A really huge THHHAAAANNNNKKKSSS to Alissia and Lilly for commenting. I value your comments like gold dust! Thanks for the encouragement Alissia, you made me feel so good about yesterday when i read your comment. Hope you don't think too badly of me after today! I'm really sorry to hear you're ill, Lilly. I so hope it's not serious. Please email me (lifeisafreefallplunge@hotmail.co.uk) or leave a comment to let me know you're ok. kisses to you both - xxxx

Right, im really tired (again!) now so im gonna get some sleep until another day (sigh!),

Poppy XoXoX

Rushing around, too busy to eat! Yes!

I can't believe what a busy bee i've been over the last two days. It's as if some creul fate up there is messing with my life, deciding to give me social life when this is the time i most need to be focused on my work!

Enough moaning, and on to the blog. Today has been rather hectic - or it has if you've been in it. I woke at 7am and had a few hours to spare, so i tried to get some work done.

However, i had a packet of cookies in my drawer that i couldn't ignore. They were constantly pulling my stomach and i so wanted one. I thought to myself that enough was enough with making excuses. I put a label on them and left them in the kitchen for my housemates to eat. I hoped they would all be gone when i got back...

I cut an apple into pieces, and ate half for breakfast. Before i ate it, i weighed it out and calculated the cals exactly. I put the other half in a box for my lunch. I decided it would probably be best to have a piece of gum to chew on in class, to save myself from getting too hungry. Finally, the tape measure i'd ordered arrived! The one i was using was too short, and so now i can measure my WHR (weight/height ratio), and Body Fat. Altough there is a creul irony that on the same day, i got a letter from the mental health team about an appointment. damn.

I stepped outside in a thin top and thought 'bugger. im going to get wet!'. It was pouring down! I managed to wade myself to the bus stop and got the bus to uni. I sat in my seminar for two hours and managed to help a girl with her essay plan. When we finished, i went to the library to look over someone else's essay. I so wanted to eat something, but i HATE eating out in public. Therefore i didn't have anything for lunch. I counted it only as a good thing.

I had a lecture 3-4, then went to the library to talk over the essay with the girl. We chatted for a while, and she offered me polos. As much as i wanted to say no completely, i knew how rude it would look. I ended up having two, when she gave a whole lot, i said i'd save them till later and put them in the foil.

Finally, after getting drenched in the rain, i arrived back at the flat. I dumped my bags and went straight to the kitchen. I met one of my flatmates and we started chatting. Before i knew it, i'd been chatting for nearly an hour and a half. I came to my room for half an hour to phone my sister, before going back to the kitchen again to talk some more.

So, it happened that, as much as i could allow myself a bit more calories, i actually found i couldn't have them, because i was busy! I'm sorry to say, as much as i want to carry on chatting - im absolotely exhausted!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 1/2 apple (36kcal)

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: 2 pieces of gum (10kcal), 2 polos (10kcal)

Drinks: 2 pepsi max (2kcal), no sugar fruit shoot (6kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 64kcal

I'll be back on tomorrow. Please do comment, even if it's just to say 'great!'

Poppy XxX

Wow! I can't believe i actually socialised! I believe in miracles...

Firstly, i want to burst into a grovelling apology for anyone who logged on to my blog at 8pm. I was out with some people from my classes, doing more work until 10pm! yawn (not at the group, but god im tired now!)

So, onto the blog! Well i got up early at 7am and went about cracking on with my essay. I realised that my word count was going to be a really tight squeeze, until it dawned on me i'd added in the footnotes as well! duh!

I had 100g of alpro yoghurt this morning with 1 tsp of sweetner. I felt like i was doing something illegal by sneaking out of my room and weighing my food in the kitchen! The only problem as the day wore on was my lack of activity. Througout the morning, i stayed focused on my work, however it's harder to ignore stomach pangs. I had 3 go ahead slices before midday. Then when midday hit i had 6 olives. mmm...

It wasn't long before i had to head off to uni for my seminar, so at 3pm i got on the bus. I had a piece of gum to tide me over for the two hours. After one of the girls offered me to join their out of hours workshop group. So, not refusing a social invitation, i went with them to the pub and we went through our course work. No - seriously! We even had water, not alcohol - we must be the most appauling students ever!

When it hit 10pm, we had to leave. I waited for the bus and eventually it arrived. I've just got in now! Phew! Oh well, its kept me busy. The worst bit about the pub workshop was that nearly everyone else had big plates of food. The smell was intoxicating, but i would have never had dared order any. I'm fat as it is!

Right, so this blog is a little short today, mostly because im beat and i want to get a good nights sleep! zzz... But i will be back tomorrow for a longer blog, hopefully.

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 100g alpro yoghurt with 1 tsp sweetner (61kcal)

Snack: 3 go ahead slices (156kcal), 1 piece of gum (5kcal)

Lunch: 6 olives (12kcal)

Tea: brocolli light cuppa soup (60kcal)

Drink: 5 pepsi max with ice (5kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 299kcal

A huge shout out and hug to Alissia, who has stuck through my blogs even when they failed to exist! Thank you so much, and im so glad you are enjoying seeing the blogs back. I wont disappoint you this time...

Until tomorrow then,

Poppy oxoxo :)

Ugh! I hate lethargy - snooze...

Back for another day...

Today's been tougher because i've had to stay inside all day in order for me to get all my work done. And yet when im inside and trying to get on with work, all i can think about is not eating and how to avoid it!

I had taken some pills last night to get me to sleep, however it leaves you drowsy the nest day. So when i got up i didn't do anything for hours because i was too lethargic to do work, but too awake to sleep! It was a nightmare!

Eventually i did get up and get on with my work at about 9am. I had 2 go-ahead slices and a pepsi max to keep me awake. It slugged along to midday, and trying to write my essay was like pulling teeth. Painful.

At 1pm I had my other slice (there's 3 in a pack) and 40g of grapes. One of the best purchases i've made was my scales - they are brilliant when you need to convert things to calories. I continued with my work, interspersing it with episodes of '8 out of 10 cats' (yes, i've progressed to series 5!). Around 6.00pm, i decided to have my tea. It was a small bowl of lettuce, 1/5 cucumber, 3 cherry tomatoes and 6 olives. I did actually enjoy it!

I made sure the girls weren't anywhere near the kitchen when i got the food. My heart always skips a beat if i hear someone come out of my room when im preparing food! I will tell you now, that since i've been in this flat (since january), i've only eaten in front of the flatmates once. Only two meals i cooked were properly prepared ones (not microwaved), and of all the meals i've had many were for purging - mainly macaroni cheese.

Since then, i've been back in my room again and am now going to get another early night (although im correcting myself bit by bit, its getting later by an hour every day).

Thanks for your comment Lily! It's so nice to hear from you again. I hope you're ok, please let me know how things are going. Last time i spoke to you, you said you were going through a rough patch i think, is it any better now?

Also thanks for the two who ticked the boxes below my last blog - i do check and it does encourage me to blog again. So please rate and comment - every little helps!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 2 go-ahead slices (104kcal)

Lunch: 1 go-ahead slice (52kcal), 40g grapes (28kcal)

Tea: small salad - lettuce, 3 cherry toms, 1/5 cucumber, 6 olives (30kcal)

Snack: 3 pieces of gum (15kcal)

Drinks: 4 pepsi max (4kcal) with ice

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 233kcal

So, tomorrow i go to uni and i don't know whether im happy or nervous. I keep thinking 'what a waste of time' when i can spend it trying to complete the assignments, and not sitting to stuff that isn't going to help me with the essay question! Im not bitter or anything ;)

Right, a bientot! And i'll blog same time tomorrow!

Xx Poppy xX

Premature pangs and holding your breath - Oh! It's good to be back!

Halooo!

I actually mean the title by the way, im not just being sarcastic. I have missed it, like some bizzare hole in the head - i know i shouldn't miss it, but its like a strange drug!

Finally, i'm here and refeshed with a new blog! I hope you are all okay and doing well? Please let me know, i love hearing how you are doing and whats been happening...

Anyways, in my life, it's not going to be fantastically interesting for the next few months. The deadlines for all my work are looming, so alot of my time is spent frantically typing away at a computer! Err... a bit like now!

I know this is a little early, but those who have read my blogs before know of my rubbish sleeping habits. At the moment, i tend to find im going to bed at 6pm. My body automatically woke me up at 2am today! I was so annoyed!

As i got up so early, it was REALLY painful crawl to lunch. You know, have you ever experienced the pain of getting up too early, only to realise you are going to have hunger pangs so much earlier than you usually get them. At least when i woke up at midday i knew one mealtime was out of the window already!

So i ended up watching loads of episodes of '8 out of 10 cats', which is a really fab british comedy panel show. Here's the link to watch them on the user's youtube account: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=A10D05F0F5517026

Anyways, when it hit about 1pm, i knew i had to go out to sort my loan out (amongst other things!). So far, i'd had 3 pieces of gum, 3 cans of pepsi max and a glass of water. You will find, if you check up on this blog, that i'm a complete diet soda fiend. People say it's unhealthy - but none of what im doing is healthy, and everything nowadays seems to do bad things to you - according to the papers!

I marched into town which is a good 20-25 minute walk. Without browsing and pottering, i managed to do alot of fast walking in town. I had to hold my breath twice though - once when passing a takeaway van and another was a fish and chip shop. You wouldn't believe the rumbles and squeasing my stomach does when i even get a whiff of cooked food. Or maybe you can!

After doing my bits in town, i went to Sainsburys. This is a dangerous place at the best of times, its a bit of a food gauntlet. No matter where you look theres food coming at you! However, i can't live without my ice and pepsi! Oh, and syndol from the pharmacy (i use it to sleep - not a good idea to anyone thinking about it). However, i remained resolute and stayed at the end of the aisles near the tills knowing that there is a place i feel most self concious that people are looking at me. I didn't find it too hard today, however i think it might be something to do with my inspirational mirror collage i have on my wall. It's brilliant and everytime i look at it, it reminds me why im hungry - because im a fat pig!

I walked back out with my heavy bags and consoled myself that the bags were adding weight to my arms, therefore were burning more fat. Since i've been back in the flat (see note 1 below), i've pretty much been getting on with work and watching more comedy. I had some grapes and then 6 small green olives. I love olives (really love them!), especially because they're really salty tasting. Its a great strong flavour when your dealing with other bland foods. It got a bit later and, as much as i wanted to blog at the appointed 9pm GMT time, im just too tired to hold on. It's just gone 6pm GMT here, if you're wondering!

note 1: For the record, i am now in a flat in student residence with another 4 girls! stress! I found two new pet peeves - slamming doors and screaming! I'm set to finish uni soon, and the last day here is looking to be around the 28th June.

I hope you all love the new site. I spent quite alot of time on it and wanted to get it as informative as possible. I didn't want too many pro or wanna-anas on there, so i tried to make it as neutral as possible, by supporting recovery in it as well. It's not quite as interactive as i might want, but i don't know any other way to make it more interactive. Im hoping to get a forum up soon, and let me know if you would be interested in posting a poem or a piece of writing.

Here's my lists for today (i feel like a school child handing over their homework!):

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast - N/A

Lunch: N/A

Tea: N/A

Snack: 72g of grapes (50kcal), 6 small olives (12kcal), 5 pieces of gum (25kcal)

I would like to point out that gum is considered a negative food, however i don't trust neg cals, so i add all of them in. I mean, who says how much chewing equals a calorie?

Drinks: 2 x glass of water with lemon strip (4kcal), 6 x pepsi max (6kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 97KCAL

EXERCISE LIST :

Walking: 40 mins at least (150kcal)

Although usually i wouldn't count this as proper exercise, it's the only thing i've done today. Therefore im adding it, so there! ;)

TOTAL CALS BURNT: 150KCAL

Right, well thats all today! I hope that you have enjoyed my blog and are glad to see it back. I will be blogging everyday, as i used to. Please rate away, and leave me loads of comments. If you have a question feel free to comment it, and i'll try to get back to you...

Ta-ta, and have a nice day,

Poppy xoxox

Prepare for the beginning...again!

Oh yes! A little surprise i hope you will all be thrilled to hear -

IM COMING BACK ON MONDAY at 9pm GMT!

I kept on delaying by saying 'just lose a little more' and then things went awry and before i knew it i'd be another month in.

So enough - I'm back and writing! The summer ball is only 2 months away and its all steam ahead because i really want to fit into my red dress!

See you tomorrow!

Xo Poppy oX