My Low Anthem sounds like a constant gag...feelin sad

Hiya Guys!

Sorry it's been a few days since i've updated. I did solemnly swear to write another blog on Wednesday, when i returned from my trip and i didn't. So for that i apologise - this is the reason:

You know when you get on the scales and it gives you a number that makes you go, 'no. no way - that cannot be possible'. Well, it was one of those. I gained more weight in two days than i had imagined or mentally planned for. This is still throwing me now and i feel like a large blob of putty.

I sort of went spinning off like a dervish when i found out my weight gain. Literally, for the past two days since i returned from my friends, i have been eating and throwing up vitually non-stop. I will eat lunch in the morning, followed by a tea time snack and more loaded foods. I have just not been stopping. All my kitchen cupboards have been raided to the point when i am eating through 'normal' food rather than binge food because i haven't prepared any. It is very rare that i end up resorting to the kitchen food.

TO make things worse, after the first day of binging i put on more!! I was mortified and need a fresh start tomorrow in order to shift these extra lbs asap. I will not divulge how many given that i am truly horrified at the amount, although feel free to guess how many lbs i put on in the comments section below.

When i was visiting my friend, it was like a switch flipped and i ate everything. I doesn't help that she eats like a hobbit - lots and all the time! By tea time the first day i actually felt physically sick. I detest being sick in other's houses and we always ate together which made it virtually impossible to purge. But i still ate - the binge eater in me had not died. I felt like the little chubby child again home from school, pigging out on biscuits. We went through bagels with cream cheese, chocolate bars, pb & j on toast, krispy kremes, crisps and dip, pasta with sauce ... and not forgetting a large extra cheese pizza.

It's hard for me to admit because i completely wonder what i was thinking, but i think i removed myself from my fat body, as though i had left it at home with me and would go back and deal later. Well - i dealt - HARD! It was totally my own fault and now the mountain has got even steeper to climb until my next goal.

My mum has got bad again about nagging me and making me feel bad. In her defence, she doesn't realise she does it, and i think it's insecure displacement. You know? - she feels bad so passes it on to someone else. She keeps saying that i shouldn't be eating stuff and that we will all have to get back to eating better ('healthily') now. She also keeps bugging me about my exercise. Thing is all this time she likes me doing it because i am less of a beast than i was, eventually getting down to an 'acceptable' size and more like the daughter she probably wants me to be, but when it doesn't suit her she'll probably change her mind.

I can't believe how much i have eaten and purged today - it is getting so addictive like a drug. I am going to have to try and control myself tomorrow before it gets out of hand. If i were to lay today's food out in all honesty to you, it would sound like this:

1/2 baguette of falafel, lettuce, olives and soured cream (at 9am), 1/2 pack of vegetable crisps, 1/2 box flake moments (10am), 2 vieneisse biscuits, 1 almond ice cream (2pm), falafel wrap with homous (4pm), a jam sandwich, 1 smoothie ice cream, 5 pieces of fudge (8pm).

All of this i purged at some point. To what extent, i will find out tomorrow.

So, my days are becoming a horrible continuation of b/p ing, and i need to get back to work to get some stability and control. Hopefully the beginning of which is tomorrow.

It is so amazing to hear from so many of you guys again. You have no idea how happy it makes me to receive your blogs, particularly when i am feeling so low at the moment. They keep me going, and stop me from festering in my own lonliness. I will reply very soon, maybe give me a day or two as i am currently rushed off my feet with work.

Must go,

Poppy

Misleading Report - I AM NOT A PRO ANA SITE/BLOG

This isn't a blog entry, but i am so angry that i had to write here and explain why.

Earlier yesterday, i was surfing the internet to see any sites or links to my ED site. I do this to see how far it's spread and what is being said on the grapevine, etc. When doing this i came across a blog called 'Teaching High School Psychology', which had a potentially enlightening article on pro ana sites.

However, when i went to read it i realised they had labelled my site and blog as 'ones that promote being thin as a lifestyle'. They call the site 'disturbing' whose 'views are of those who are not pro-recovery'.

I am truly disgusted. Is it me or have they just skim read, not just my blog, but the entire pro ana paraphenalia of sites and blogs?

Pro ana is, and i use a dictionary definition, 'the promotion of anorexia nervosa as a lifestyle choice rather than an eating disorder'. As is plain by my blog, i am acutely aware that i have an eating disorder and that one day i hope i'll be strong enough to give it up. However, i am also relistic and not selfish enough to waste the NHS time by sitting in therapy when i don't believe i want it yet. In both my blog and my site, i repeat many times that eating disorders are not fun fairground rides that you simply jump on, have one go and jump off again. They are serious, deadly and unhappy things to find yourself burdened with. Obviously whoever researched the 'pro ana' on my site conviniently missed out the 'disclaimer' page which goes over all this.

The blog continues by saying the following:

'To me, this quote sums up this site: "I'm now back at univeristy until the end of June. The doctor has pushed me into seeing a CPN again, and so i might have to see one again. I'm not going to stop though - I know as much as it might be better for me, i don't want to recover yet".

That isn't pro ana summed up in a quote - that's an EATING DISORDER full stop. Just because i said that i wasn't ready for recovery, doens't make me automatically 'pro ana', it makes me a confused human with mental health issues. My blogs are an expression of my own feelings and actions as a diagnosed bulimic in today's society. I can understand that it may seem triggering, but i never encourage others to follow my example. It's just that in leiu of a service that allows me to unburden myself without fear of being refered to the doctors (again), i vent my feelings online. This has been received well by many fellow sufferers who have found these blogs to be a comfort, as they can relate to certain fellings and practices, etc. Therefore i will keep it going, not just for myself, but for them as well.

Lastly, many of the people that read these blogs and with whom i email know that i always encourage recovery. I suggest it as an option usually when i first talk to people, and if they consider it or take up recovery later on, i will fully support and encourage them. I think it is a wonderful thing and i have enormous respect for anyone who is even attempting recovery right now. They will be happier and healthier for it. If anyone wants to leave a message below to back me up on this, in case the psychology bloggers read this, please do - it would really help.

So, to whoever wrote that blog, please get your facts straight before you write an article on 'pro ana' again.

Poppy

Parting is such sweet sorrow, / That i shall say goodnight till it be 'morrow

This is going to be a very short and sweet blog today. I'm sure it's getting as boring as chewing on old shoes hearing me say how tired i am - but i relly am looking haggard and i have to face a trip to London tomorrow on my own for the first time!

Here's my day in bullet point news-flash fashion:

- weight stayed same

- went to work, didn't have anything to eat. I think this was more likely due to the fact the croissants had all gone and the bread didn't look appetising after we found a mouldy loaf! Lots of running about.

- Got home early as not needed for lunch shift. Ate 20 blueberries, then had a falafel sub, 1 fruit scone and an almond ice cream. Predictably purged them up...or what i could. Decided that i would take mum up on her offer of a run as then i could get rid of rest of it.

- run with mum 5 3/4 miles in 1hour 10. Painful and long, but feel totally good about it now. Need tomorrow's weigh in to be substantially lower.

- Note - i only purged once! I think that's pretty good going for me!

- No dinner as i fell asleep by accident on my bed. As i said before, me=tired.

Right, told you it was brief. I am off to see a friend for a few days bu will be back Wednesday. In truth, i am excited to be seeing her and enjoying a few days of freedom. On the other, i'm absoloutely petrified because i am so close to my goal and am going to be away from my scales and measuring tape for 2 whole days. This completely freaks me out and i know i'm going to end up putting on weight. I can't even exercise while i'm there. :(

So wish me luck, I will let you know all about it when i get back.
By the way, my mum seems to have no clue that i weigh myself every day. She asked if i wasn't curious about how much weight i'd lost, i just shrugged it off. She estimated 1st 7 (21lbs) - i know! waaaaay off! It makes me feel like i have a lot more to lose if i am going to make a big difference.

Ok. Nightie night, and tuning out of the blog for a couple of days.

Poppy xox

Why am i tempting fate and trying to rain on my own parade?

So...here's the deal: Today's weather has been pouring down. It's like we are back in February again, all the doors are open and the cold wind makes me want to hide away and put a hoodie on again. Everyone's mood is lowered because of the rain, and maybe that's why i'm taking my eating harder today.

I weighed myself this morning, and lo! - i was 1lb lighter! However despite this promising start, i continued to try and sabotage my weight loss for reasons i cannot understand. Moslty because there is no logical reason for it!

Quick facts:

- 1lb lighter

- 2 times purged

- 7.5 hours worked

- weighed myself 9 times today

To start with, i got up and weighed (3 times). Obviously i was thrilled by the weight loss because i didn't want to plateau. Work started early at 10.30 so i didn't have much time to consider food before i started. It was when i was there that suddenly it was around me in abundance. Luckily the croissants looked so dry and hard that i didn't even touch them, i used my will power against the biscuits and fudge too.

Two hours into my shift and it had finally sunk in that there really wasn't much to do and one of us was going to have to go home. I happily enough suggested - in fact i was so keen to get out of there to avoid the food. It was settled and i left 30 minutes later. Unfortunately for that plan, i had discovered some falafels in the fridge when cleaning it out that had doomed eveything. My boss said throw them so i had, of course, saved them in my bag. This called for crusty bread, and soured cream. But i knew it would also automatically mean purging it. I suppose i took that risk.

I made a beeline for the supermarket. I phoned my parents and said i was going there and they said they'd already got some other bread. I still went and bought 2 chocolate bars. I think i do it because of the freedom - you know when you were little and told you couldn't have the jelly or something else? I think i still maintain that mentality - i feel like i have to buy stuff i really want because otherwise i will miss an opportunity and won't be able to again. Literally a kid in a sweetshop - that's how i behave in a supermarket!

After i got home, i ate some bread with the parents, went straight onto a scone lashing it with butter. They went out and i tried to keep a serene smile as i waved them out the drive, really wanting to dash to the toilet. They went, i grab the ice cream, sauce, a bottle of lemonade and head upstairs. The 2 chocolate bars joined the binge then i purged it all. Later i went back downstairs and made 2 pieces of toast covered in butter and b / p ed them. All in all, i didn't stop purging for about 3 hours of my break between work. Some break. I was so tired, whether from the vomitting or work that i dosed for a few minutes before shaking myself awake and getting dressed for work.

Back again. It all starts off easy at first and i stay in the back away from plates of food. Then it gets busy, but i bat away all the food obstacles. It's only at the final hurdle i lost. Second to last table leave a deliciously soft roll, i slide it onto a plate and shovel it down with butter. Guilt seeps its way through my gut too, it sits there heavy. The butter is salted and makes me feel sick. I suppose i deserve it. One of the girls says i look really good, really skinny - what am i doing? Wow! I think, Skinny?? I have never been called skinny EVER and there wouldn't be a million galaxys where i would see myself as skinny right now, but i was so tingly-happy when she said that. I told her that my 'secret' was running at a pace and time i enjoy. It is true that i do, but i tone down the part that i do it all to lose more weight. I start to see a way to making friends through exercise - i wanted to invite her to run with me, and although i joked i meant it. But i couldn't because it wouldn't be fun and it would feel like a lie. It's like a alcoholic taking a friend to the local cafe after they've had too many. It's selfish, not about the friend.

Work ended late. I'm now home and dying for sleep because i'm working from 7.30am tomorrow and it's already 1.30 in the UK! ahhh! I haven't drunk anything yet because i weighed myself when i got in and i'm the same as this morning so hopefully i can get down a bit further.

Bonnie, i have all the time in the world to natter later in the day tomorrow, so i hope you'll humour me when you get an extremely long email from me around sunday evening. It means i can take more time to reply to you and put more thought it rather than you having to put up with my quickly-typed drawls i put on this blog before falling into a sleep coma!

Love and support, comment as always,

Poppy xox