Hiya Guys!
Sorry it's been a few days since i've updated. I did solemnly swear to write another blog on Wednesday, when i returned from my trip and i didn't. So for that i apologise - this is the reason:
You know when you get on the scales and it gives you a number that makes you go, 'no. no way - that cannot be possible'. Well, it was one of those. I gained more weight in two days than i had imagined or mentally planned for. This is still throwing me now and i feel like a large blob of putty.
I sort of went spinning off like a dervish when i found out my weight gain. Literally, for the past two days since i returned from my friends, i have been eating and throwing up vitually non-stop. I will eat lunch in the morning, followed by a tea time snack and more loaded foods. I have just not been stopping. All my kitchen cupboards have been raided to the point when i am eating through 'normal' food rather than binge food because i haven't prepared any. It is very rare that i end up resorting to the kitchen food.
TO make things worse, after the first day of binging i put on more!! I was mortified and need a fresh start tomorrow in order to shift these extra lbs asap. I will not divulge how many given that i am truly horrified at the amount, although feel free to guess how many lbs i put on in the comments section below.
When i was visiting my friend, it was like a switch flipped and i ate everything. I doesn't help that she eats like a hobbit - lots and all the time! By tea time the first day i actually felt physically sick. I detest being sick in other's houses and we always ate together which made it virtually impossible to purge. But i still ate - the binge eater in me had not died. I felt like the little chubby child again home from school, pigging out on biscuits. We went through bagels with cream cheese, chocolate bars, pb & j on toast, krispy kremes, crisps and dip, pasta with sauce ... and not forgetting a large extra cheese pizza.
It's hard for me to admit because i completely wonder what i was thinking, but i think i removed myself from my fat body, as though i had left it at home with me and would go back and deal later. Well - i dealt - HARD! It was totally my own fault and now the mountain has got even steeper to climb until my next goal.
My mum has got bad again about nagging me and making me feel bad. In her defence, she doesn't realise she does it, and i think it's insecure displacement. You know? - she feels bad so passes it on to someone else. She keeps saying that i shouldn't be eating stuff and that we will all have to get back to eating better ('healthily') now. She also keeps bugging me about my exercise. Thing is all this time she likes me doing it because i am less of a beast than i was, eventually getting down to an 'acceptable' size and more like the daughter she probably wants me to be, but when it doesn't suit her she'll probably change her mind.
I can't believe how much i have eaten and purged today - it is getting so addictive like a drug. I am going to have to try and control myself tomorrow before it gets out of hand. If i were to lay today's food out in all honesty to you, it would sound like this:
1/2 baguette of falafel, lettuce, olives and soured cream (at 9am), 1/2 pack of vegetable crisps, 1/2 box flake moments (10am), 2 vieneisse biscuits, 1 almond ice cream (2pm), falafel wrap with homous (4pm), a jam sandwich, 1 smoothie ice cream, 5 pieces of fudge (8pm).
All of this i purged at some point. To what extent, i will find out tomorrow.
So, my days are becoming a horrible continuation of b/p ing, and i need to get back to work to get some stability and control. Hopefully the beginning of which is tomorrow.
It is so amazing to hear from so many of you guys again. You have no idea how happy it makes me to receive your blogs, particularly when i am feeling so low at the moment. They keep me going, and stop me from festering in my own lonliness. I will reply very soon, maybe give me a day or two as i am currently rushed off my feet with work.
Must go,
Poppy
As you know, one of the horrible things about food restriction is that as soon as you eat a normal amount of food, your body holds onto every little bit of it. That's happened to me so many times so I totally relate.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how gaining weight makes you want to eat? I realized this about myself a while back. It's like the exact opposite reaction that you'd want to have. It is really frustrating to have the kind of mindset where "food = comfort" when the last thing you want to do is eat more food.
I really hope you're able to feel better soon. Massive b/ping is no good :(
*hugs*