Short and sweet ... and totally calorie free

I cannot say my day has been deviod of calories, but i promise you will not gain a single ounce by reading this blog. WARNING: Poppy is not responsible for any weight you may gain or lose while reading this blog due to your own activities.

Today has been a good day that has almost turned into a bad day, but was saved from the brink time and time again.

The good news is that i weighed myself today and i lost a lb. Yipee! The bad news is that for no discernable reason, i will probably find i have put it back on again by 5am tomorrow morning. Sigh...

Today i got up at 5am and managed to take my time getting ready. I carefully planned my layers of clothing, and almost find it necessary to use pins in my work skirt to keep it up. I had the drink that i had promised myself after denying myself a drink last night. Thank god for caffienated bevarages otherwise i would look nothing more advanced than a grunting ball of fluff in the early mornings!

When i arrived for work, i found out that i didn't actually have to be in as i wasn't shifted for it. But i worked it anyways, and it's getting easier to avoid the jam, butter and croissants. At the end of the shift, i really fancied a cheese jacket potato. Whenever i think about having something like that, it is immediately followed by thoughts of where to purge it up and if it is feasable to do it without gaining weight. I decided it was, however my plans had not involved my parents being around.

Unfortunately for my bulimic demon, they were. I jumped in the car and they told me that we were going to a cafe for a piece of cake. First of the parental ambushes to come! I could do nothing but smile and pretend like everything was perfectly normal about it. I decided that i woudl just have to have a scone instead of a potato and make sure to purge it just the same. I scoffed my scone and then only sipped water, enough to let it stick together but not flake apart. They picked at me for not drinking much and i told them to pick their battles - i don't like tap water. Which is true in fact so i wasn't lying.

They dropped me off at home and went shopping. Excellent - time to rid. I ate a chocolate bar and an ice cream i had bought earlier in secret to start the process off. After them, it got a bit crazy as i had another 2 ice creams, a homemade spaghetti carbonara (minus ham), reeses, and jelly bellys. I purged it and then weighed myself - i had gained a little. Time was getting on for me to return to work and i was desperately running from scales to toilet to drink trying to get back down. Eventually i did, but it was tight.

I made some rules for myself as i walked to work, determined that i wouldn't gain tomorrow morning. I decided that i couldn't have any fluid for the rest of the day, and no food. Things almost crumbled when they presented the cheesecake. A few times i chewed/spat the mouthful then washed out my mouth, but i didn't ingest. I steered clear of the fudge but only because i stuffed some in my bag for my box under the bed.

I got home around 9.30pm, and hid the fudge away. I told my mum that i ate cheesecake and she told me not to 'do anything' [purge], and to try not to feel guilty. I told her i'd eaten it earlier and i know. I don't feel guilty for lying and i don't know why. My parents told me, in a joking manner, to stop shrinking. I laughed it off, play punched and steered clear of any accusatory remarks such as 'No way! I can see loads of fat!'

I got in the bath. This in itself isn't very interesting. What was weird about this one was the fact i haven't had a bath (as opposed to a shower) in months. When i pulled myself down the bath, i had the slightly unpleasant sensation of my spine slipping against the tub. I can clearly feel the tip of it through my bottom and it is such a bizzare experience. It makes me want to giggle a bit, rather than act shocked. It's like i'm a child again and discovering my body for the first time like it's all new. It's fascinating to feel parts that i never acknowledged that i had.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Twice, meduim sized binge and a tiny bit to ensure no cheesecake had been digested (mostly water)

Exercise - I'm not counting my walking around at work for 10 hours as exercise. It doesn't feel right...

Weight - 128lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 49bpm

Now, i'm going to have to love you and leave you without any precious pearls of wisdom or rambling epithets. I have work at 5am again tomorrow and i would like to be able to do more than walk around grunting with my head between my coffee-scalded hands.

Let me know how you are all doing. You can all see how i'm doing but i can't find out about you, so please let me know. You are important.

Poppy xox

Losing my marbles but not losing pounds

Here i am again, and i'm still not under 9st! It's getting really painful and tiresome going up and down the very last few lbs, but not under.

Over the last few days i've eaten healthy and not purged, eaten nothing, purged, downed diet pills, laxatives and diuretics, drunk extra water, then no water at all. My body doesn't seem to be reacting the way i imagined with any of it - the weight STILL STAYS ON! argh!

I have gone down a bit today but that might be because my scales got so fed up of me standing on them, they gave me a pity reading and decided 'lets just give her this otherwise she'll try to stand on us again!'

My run yesterday was tough and i had permanent stitches on either side of my rib cage. They re-appeared when walking around town today. I know it's probably to do with electrolyte depletion and dehydration, but if i drink i will probably pile on 3lbs that i scrimped to lose so hard. I really am at a loss. I think instead i wil go to sleep and down a glass of something tomorrow morning as a reward for holding out.

I have been buying smaller clothes. I bought my first UK size 6 (guessing thats a US 2) top today and a size 8 (4) work trousers for an upcoming interview. I don't know how i'm buying these given that i don't feel i've lost any weight in like, ohhhhh.....a CENTURY! But hey-ho, i guess i've just got to keep going.

It's hard because i am getting all this mounting pressure and attention from others about my size, and yet i'm not losing any faster. I want to get to my goal weight before anyone starts really kicking up a stink about things. My mum has already said again about the doctors and today both my parents said that they really didn't want to drag me down there. I think even if they drove me down there without me knowing, i'd jump out the car and march away. Even if they got me into the surgery, i wouldn't wait. If i don't want help, there isn't much they can do given the fact that i am still in the healthy weight bracket (you hearing me mother??? healthy BMI!)

Today started off well, but my weight when i got home sucked, so i binged/purged on chocolate (typical). In the evening, i had 1/3 omlette, salad and 12 grapes. I purged some of it up later for the sake of it. Later in the evening, i binged/purged on a packet of chocolate that my sister and i had driven into town for especially.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Thrice

Exercise - walking around town doesn't feel as though it should count really...

Weight - 129lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 48bpm

So now i'm going to get some sleep because i have work tomorrow and i'm probably going to have a bad day because i will have probably not lost anything by the morning! :/

God i'm such a sourpuss tonight!

Hope you are all having more successful weeks than mine,

Poppy xox

Feeling good and so close to reaching 9st

It's bizzare how going to bed on an empty stomach actually makes you feel happier. Despite a slip earlier today, followed closely by a purge, i haven't eaten anything. I feel so much better, and then i remember that the most this day is going to do is reverse the damage i did yesterday.

As you remember, yesterday was my birthday. I had planned to stick to my evening meal (which i had researched the calories of). However, things did not turn out like that as my family had got time off work for my birthday. Instead i had to go through a stop/start method to purging, only doing it when i could. I was convinced that i was going to pile on the pounds like mad, and that it would take me another month to lose it...or something stupid like that!

Instead, this morning i weighed myself and the damage wasn't so bad as to blow my head off. It's still bad enough for me to shiver internally and want to scrape it off. I went up just under 1lb. My solution was simple - try to avoid eating as much as possible today and exercise as much as possible.

This weigh in had not been easy as i had to wait until 11.30 before my sister left the house. During this time i didn't allow myself to drink as it would have affected my weight. By the time i'd weighed myself, a cool drink was a welcome reward. As i went downstairs to get my drink, i noticed the bread, and cake in the kitchen. Without hesitating, i tucked into 1/4 chocolate cake, a slice of ice cream, and a cheese sandwich. Following that, i bent double over the toilet and rid myself of as much as possible. Double checking on the scales to make sure i hadn't gained.

This called for serious measures. I donned my running kit and went for a jog, planning on doing a couple of laps around the block (roughly 3miles). Instead i decided to take a different route and ended up doing over 6 miles in a storm! I absoloutely poured it down and i had a really fantastic run, not to mention burning over 700 calories :)

After my run, i showered and then had to keep checking myself, as i found that i gravitated towards the kitchen, like i was in a daze. I deviated my attentions by swiging at two pepsi maxes and tidying my room. More clothes got thrown on the 'can't wear any more' pile and stashed degrading chocolate wrappers from behind my bed got binned. I actually asked my mum for a wicker bin (so that i actually have a bin, rather than a 'bin' that i use for purging), and she got me one as a birthday present!

Later in the day, i went to my evening spinning class. I made it tough for myself but i was on a roll with exercise and wanted to get ahead, and lower than i have before with my weight. Tomorrow is a 5 mile cross country run - whopee!

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - once

Ran - 6.15 miles

Spinning - 50 minutes

Weight - 130lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 52bpm

Love to you all. Thanks for the birthday wishes Bonnie!

Speak soon,

Poppy xox

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

23 years old today!

(or 18 again, as i like to say)

I'm going to get in some exercise before the day truly begins. I'll be back here later to update you on how the day went.

XOX POPPY XOX

Saying NO - preparing for the beginning of a battle of wills

Things are changing in my world, and i'm fast realising that they are getting serious.

I know the consequences of my actions and i am still not ready to give them up, in fact i can't imagine ever giving them up. I really don't want to. However, my mum approached me last night and said that she thought it was about time her and I went to see the doctor. I changed the topic and said that i would let her know what i thought another night. She mentioned it again tonight. In fact, loads of people have been mentioning it, some behind my back to my mum and they are getting her worried. I wish they would leave it alone.

In short, if she forces me to repsond i'm going to tell her that i'm not going. I WILL NOT see a doctor yet. I'm not even a low weight - I'm 130lbs for christs sake! Admittedly, if i had lost all the weight starting off as a 'normal' weight, i wouldn't be alive right now. Regardless, i am not going to recover yet when i don't even want to.

My fear of gaining weight has grown into something completely out of my control and bigger than it has ever been before. I am peterified if i even put on so much as a pound or two. The thought of me 'getting help' when i know that i will gain at least two stone sets my resolve firmly against doing it. I CANNOT gain that much, i would rather slit my wrists.

Enough of the melodramatic, things are getting there with me. I'm on the slow slog that i always face when reaching the lower end of a stone - it always seems to take yonks to lose the last few lbs in that stone and the first few lbs in order to 'secure' your weight in the lower stone. Only 2 stone to go now until i reach my goal weight!! woo hoo!!

I was so chuffed to see my weight ticker today - i look like i've got so far! I really cannot give up now.

In the interests of being honest, and this being a blog that reflects all aspects of an eating disorder, there is one side affect which i must tell you about. Now, anorexics are know for having low heart rates due to an electrolyte imbalance (caused by vomitting), and lack of muscle tissue where the heart muscle is being consumed. A normal BPM pulse is between 60-100 beats per minute. If your resting pulse rate is constantly falling below 60 (more specifically 50bpm), and you have dizzy spells, headaches, etc, then it might be bradycardia. This means your heart rate is slow enough to cause a cardic arrest.

My bpm isn't always under 50, however more often than not it is between 40-55bpm. Yesterday afternoon it was 44bpm, today is was 53bpm.

I have started taking my multivitamins again to try and keep my potassuim and iron levels up. Hopefully they will counter any lack that i am suffering from.

I know this is an odd little blog, and i don't mean to worry you all. Honestly, it sounds worse than it is because i am really not that thin. In fact, i am right in the middle of a healthy bmi. So, i don't know why everyone is going weird - i wish they would leave me alone.

It is my birthday on Tuesday and as a treat i am going to my favourite restaurant with my family. I have already researched their nutritional charts and checked for the lowest meal, and i will exercise before. It's just a shame that i won't reach under 9st (126lbs) before my birthday :(

Speak tomorrow - please send me hugs because i just b/p ed on two bags of chocolate and i want to cry because i am so paranoid i didn't get rid of it all. I really will hate myself if i maintain my weight tomorrow.

Poppy xox