Hi.
I can only apologise for the days of silence that have passed. I'm sure with my site being 'down' it may have looked like i'd packed up shop, but i haven't. Mymirrorimage just needed to be funded differently which meant a lack of payment at the time.
It has been a difficult June, mostly because i have been jumping up and down from 140lbs, when i really wanted to be on 130lbs (at least) by now. But i am back under 140lbs and determined to get far under it now.
One of the reasons i chose to write now is because i think i'm still in shock by what happened today, but i realised how 'bad' my ED was. Here's the tale:
My mum knows about my ED, and she even goes as far as emptying out my containers of vomit which i try to keep hidden from her out of shame. I hate her doing this and she will search my room for them. Yesterday i purged about 3 times and filled two containers.
I have one container which my mum knows about and checks, but i have another which i secretly keep somewhere else which she doesn't know about. It's like my backup.
When i got home from work today, i tried to help my mum put the shopping away. I get quite posessive over any food and like to put it away in a certain order or form, etc. When i tried to help today my mum told me to just 'get out'. It really upset me and i'd been feeling on edge for days - wanting to cry but not being able to.
I went upstairs and checked my second container only to find that it wasn't there. I frantically checked everywhere only to realise that mum must have found it and thrown it away. That was the final straw and i just broke down and cried for 30 mins. I was so angry and scared because it was my back up. That's when i realised how far my ED has come - when i'm crying over the loss of a plastic container. I mean, it felt like a rug had been pulled from under me.
So.... Today has been tiring. After i stopped crying, and my mum hugged me, we had lunch. They went out and i purged it. Then i fell asleep for a few hours before getting up and eating again.
Yeah - it's going to get really boring repeating it, but i ate and vomitted a few times. Although the fact my sister is around so much and keeps follwing me is making it frustratingly difficult to purge after i've eaten. I have to be really creul and cold to her sometimes for no reason just to get her to leave me alone so i can purge. I am always sorry that i have to do that.
I am determined to stay under 140 today despite eating and doing no exercise. So i've purged, used a suppository laxative and i have taken 6 laxatives which are probably going to kick in around the time my shift starts at 6.30am tomorrow morning! shit!
Sorry this is brief, i need to get some shut-eye. Hope you are all ok.
I'm scared.
Poppy xox
