And the beat goes on...

Yep - this is pretty much what today has looked like and that mass in the middle is what i feel like. Admittedly, i have weighed myself virtually every hour after my purge and have not gained. But i am still deathly afraid of getting on those scales tomorrow and finding i have stayed the same or put on anything.

Yesterday was almost a complete success. I will quickly summarise it for you:

Weight lost 1lb, binge/purged once, 40 minutes spinning, ate fruit box, salad box, yellow tomato soup and roll.

There was the hiccup of the fact i b/p ed on 2 mini green and blacks bars and a pack of reeses cups. I also freaked out when i got home and my mum said it was probably too late for me to have my stir fry. I had planned it especially because it was low in calories. I kicked up a bit of a fuss and tried t argue, but had to change my dinner plans to soup which i wasn't as happy with. Stupidly i felt like crying when i was told i had to choose something else.

Anyway, onto today.

Weight - remained same

Binge/Purged - alot of food, took time to purge.

Exercise - 1 hour of running, 5 miles

I got up this morning, convinced that, as i had been so good yesterday, apart from the minor binge/purge yesterday, that i was bound to lose weight. I looked down at the scales - stayed the same. I was gutted and it really set me in the wrong mood for the day. But, alas, that wasn't all. I then went downstairs and my mum, thinking she was doing me a favour, had pre-packed my box of fruit. She had put waaay too much of everything in it and given me a bigger box. I almost had a strop and tried to put some of the fruit back. In the end, i decided that i'd count my usual fruit out then save the rest for the next day.

I was only at work for 3 hours which sped by really quickly. During the last hour, i planned to go to the local supermarket to look for a present for someone. I don't even remember planning on buying binge food, but as i wandered towards the store, things added themselves to my mental shopping list. By the time i got to the shop, i was in a haze of cheesecake, whipped cream, ice cream and carbs. I panicked when i got to the door because i realised i wanted too much 'bad' food to be inconspicuous. It was too late now, i was there - i'd just have to buy more healthy food to cover it up.

The end result was quite a lot of binge food. A smattering of light cream cheese, diet fizz, a civilised packet of nuts, quorn beef slices, soup and pineapple barely concealed my real mission of chocolate chip cookies, chocolate packets, macaroni cheese, multi pack ice creams, and potato salad. I would have got more but i was worried my basket was becoming obvious as it was.

When i got home, i didn't even stop. During the bus journey home, i had even arranged what order to eat the food and when to 'layer' the ice cream in so as to get all the food back. I ate a few bits of chocolate while my bagel toasted, once it toasted i slapped on cream cheese. Eat. Ice cream number one is licked clean off the stick while the macaroni cheese is cooking. Macaroni cheese is ready. Eat. Second and third ice creams eaten. Chocolate, cookies and macadamia nuts are folded into the mix. Then i began the proper purge...

In total from the moment i started eating to the moment i stopped purging, it was 4 hours. This isn't because i am so rubbish that i simply dribble, but because i like to be through. Once done, i cleaned up just in time before mum came home. I let things settle and quickly weigh myself. My weight has gone down but i'm not fooled - it's mostly water weight. The run i'd been planning would act as assurance that most of the calories would stay away from my stomach and thighs.

It was a great run. I now run with my music because i find it acts as great motivation. I mean, the run was difficult but i really pushed myself to do 5 miles and did it! Hopefully it will pay off, i'll just have to see tomorrow. Now i'm finishing here then going to bed as i have work tomorrow and i'm really hoping the fudge looks disgusting or they're running low!

Glad to hear that things are going well for most of you and that you are dealing in your own ways. I'm sorry if i haven't emailed back yet, it's not that i don't care - i REALLY do! I will try to reply this weekend, but trust me - you will get a reply sometime :)

Be Happy,

Poppy xox

Too soon to say the word 'progress' ... Damn you bagels!!

Heya!
I know it's not fair but it's going to be another brief blog today. Have just had to mark another 100 exam papers in 3 hours solid so i'm pretty wiped.

I must remember my manta i told you yesterday, because it was so tempting to slip into the bad habit of denying it all and ignoring this blog for another day.

Pounds lost since yesterday - 1lb
Miles run / time run for - 3.12 miles, 35 minutes
Times purged - twice

When i got up this morning i had a strong sense of motivation, especially after a small loss in weight. I carefully packed my fruit box for breakfast then made up a salad box of 8 cucumber sticks, 1 carrott baton, 4 olives with pimento and 3 cherry tomatoes for lunch. I decided it was safer to plan to an eventuality where i would want to eat lunch, but wasn't brave enough to venture to the kettle and sip my soup in front of the office.

The morning was a stinking pile of nothing. As most classes have virtually ended, my timetable has crashed and burned like a train wreck. I sat and clicked about on the computers in the morning, then went for lunch. I walked into town and sorted out my business, including buying Sherlock Holmes on DVD. Huge recommendation for it - it's fantastic! I sat on a bench and nibbled my way through my veggie box feeling very conscious but self righteous. As a last trip before heading back to college, i nipped into the local sweet store which does unusual and inventive chocolate bars. I bought two.

Back at work, there was nothing to do. I made a dash for the toilet, predictably this ended up in me purging 1 chocolate bar and the majority of my salad. I got really stressed and panicky though, because for a while a lot of it was just refusing to come out no matter how hard i pushed. In the end i had to 'flush' (bulimic technique) most of it. It's always when i'm hiding out in the toilets that i realise how abnormal my behaviour is - i mean i see the cleaner on a daily basis now. I had to leg it part way through the chocolate binge because the first toilet flooded (not my fault), but there were bits floating and i didn't want to be seen coming out of a loo with vomit in it. Not a good impression!

After i spent a good long while forcing things out, i returned to work and found something more useful to do. When i got home, i decided i would go back out running again, while i was still hot for it. I had planned that i would only run for half an hour or so, just to change up the time lengths. In the end it worked out well - i'm running a lot faster and going further. I compromised and did 35 minutes. When i got home i had tea which was a stir fry with 1 portion of quorn. As soon as my parents were out the house though, i stil felt the need to binge on an ice cream, 1/2 cream cheese bagel and the seconf chocolate bar! I get so aggravated with myself because i am fed up of trying to find solutions to my 'blind binges' and i want to know the reasons why i do it, then i can control it. At the moment, the only means of control is purging.

So, after i had purged for the second time, i settled down to watch Sherlock Holmes and do some exam papers. Although, for the past 5 hours i have had absolutely horrible acid reflux. Thats when you get stomach acid coming back up your oesophagus. It really hurts and i wish it would go away.

So, that's today. Some good, lots bad. Let's hope tomorrow is better, although i doubt it because i have the house to myself in the morning :/

Feed me comments please - they are calorie free!

Poppy xox

Food = Love : The nasty equation which means i will have to deal with being bulimic

Well, over these last few days i've been hiding from you all, skulking in the dark stuffy corners of my mind. After mentioning my increased need to binge, and thus rising levels of purging, things didn't subside. I continued to binge and purge, and i put on a little extra weight as well. I was constantly freaking out about the weight gain but couldn't seem to stop eating. It was only yesterday that i realised i had to get a hold of it while i hadn't gained a mamouth amount of weight and ended back up as a beached whale in overly-tight summer shorts. Ugh!

So, i have gritted my teeth and come on here to say the following: I'M BULIMIC!

This sounds so stupid, but we all fool outselves that we can become anorexic and i have always harboured the belief that bulimia is a secondary eating disorder - one of chaos and indulgence, whereas anorexia is one on a higher plane of being! But i was always brought up on the idea that food can solve anything and that if i eat enough of it, it will be able to substitute pretty much anything. All those feelings that swirl around in your body can be solved by a couple of doughnuts and a bottle of liptons. Ha! So, i just have to live with it. As with bulimia, we purge - somtimes alot, and i will just have to deal with the fact that it is an almost certainty that i will purge at least once a day. I need to stop setting stupid expectations that i can get through a day without vomitting by food into a bucket, and get over my proud ashamed self that believes you all tut and are disgusted by my blogs every time i mention the fact i purged. Bulimia is part of my nature and i intend to be honest about it on this blog.

There - i've said my piece! Now onto today's business.

I've set myself a new way of doing things which i am going to use as a sort of safety net rather than a guideline. Today was the first day following it, and i deviated and twisted it a little, but i don't believe it affected it for better or worse. The 'plan' was as follows:

Breakfast - 5 strawberries, 5 blueberries, 2 raspberries, 1 brazil nut = 60kcals

Lunch - 1 broccoli and cauliflower slim a soup - 60kcals

Dinner - choice of various meals including stir fry (with or without quorn), weight watchers soup or covent garden soup (with or without crackers) or 1/4 omlette with salad.

I have felt alot more positive today now i have started back on things. I am hoping that by giving myself breakfast and lunch it will reduce my urge to binge/purge. Although i might have to edit the lunch part for when i'm at work because ii don't think i'm confident enough yet to make my lunch and drink it in front of people. I will plan a small mixed salad for tomorrow lunch and keep it as an optional meal depending on how brave i feel around others.

I felt so disgusting this morning and was more convinced than ever than i had magically expanded into my old trousers. In fact, they weren't really old but i was about to discard them just before i put on the 7lbs. I weigh myself - really didn't want to , but i want to see my progress from day one. Then i cut up my fruit and put it in a tiny pot with the brazil nut. At work, i tentatively sat on the edge of my seat as i ate the food around people. I felt really greedy that i was eating so early and it felt like i was wasting calories that i might need to save for later in case of some sort of food crisis involving an unexpected meal.

Luckily, i finished work at 2pm. I had planned to leave a bit early in order to go to the supermarket and get some stir fry. Of course, this meant that most of the hours leading up to it i was wildly swinging between whether to give in and purchase big tubs of potato salad and boxes of cheesecake, or to simply grab the stir fry and run. This is another difficulty for me as a bulimic, because i have a natural interest and fascination with food. I long to try things and experiment. This is something you are sort of forbidden to do when in the grips of an ED. So, when i got into the shop, i ended up with a sort of mish mash between what i wanted and what i was supposed to be there for. I got olives, raspberries, cherries, low cal soup and stir fry on the good side, and on the bad side i got a small tub of white chocolate ice cream and a bar of caramel chocolate. Eugh - i really am cringing now and am so embarrased to be admitting this to you guys!

I reasoned that the bar was for my box and the ice cream was there as a sort of back up. When i got home, the ice cream had partially melted and i dipped a teaspoon in it and licked off the contents. I quickly shoved it in the freezer before i sucumbed again and poured myself a cuppa soup. I then drank it so fast i scalded my tongue. Predictably, before i knew it i had returned to the kitchen and was lifting the ice cream out of the freezer. It was a hesitant binge and i b/p ed in parts, only having a little before expelling. Bye bye to the soup as well. Both the bar and the ice cream went, along with a cream cheese bagel. So much for being good - i feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Why can i not keep myself pure?

I have a load of exam papers to mark, so i do that while the boiler is being fixed. I wear a top that was in a bag of clothes offered to me by a friend of the family. She is ex-anorexic and beautifully skinny. The hoodie is supposedly my size but i long for the day when i can disappear in it. Its arms are so tight that it pinches my skin and moulds it into sausage-like lumps. Lose weight.... lose weight.... lose weight!

Time passed, my mum returns home and gives me a dissapointed look. She is unhappy with me and angry because she thinks i will become a lazy lump again. I haven't been for my run. She arches an eyebrows as if to say 'you REALLY need a run, fat thing' and asks me if i am going for a jog, i tell her maybe. She heads out later for a jog herself and just sighs as i am still sitting on my bed. When she goes, i decide to go for a run. If i didn't, it would mean more low moods and desperate pinching at my fat belly. I head out as she comes back, and run to the sound of my music - on a playlist called 'thin'.

I feel fantastic when i get back. I ran 4 miles in 47 minutes, but that was including having to stop twice for yappy dogs and slow moving vehicles! I loved the run and feel fantastic. I might try to do 30 minutes tomorrow, but not push myself any further unless i want to. I don't want to hate running. So, i think i have run off anything that stayed stuck to my stomach after the afternoons purging. We will see what the result is tomorrow...

I have to disappear now as i want some sleep, but i will be back tomorrow to tell you the 'result'. Hope you are all well, please let me know email or otherwise. If i don't reply to your emails quick enough, then don't hesitate to send me a nagging email to chase it up.

Sending love to you all - and remember: don't be ashamed of your eating disorder, whatever it is. It doesn't matter whether you starve or overeat, or both, they are equally important.

Poppy xox