Heya!
I know it's not fair but it's going to be another brief blog today. Have just had to mark another 100 exam papers in 3 hours solid so i'm pretty wiped.
I must remember my manta i told you yesterday, because it was so tempting to slip into the bad habit of denying it all and ignoring this blog for another day.
Pounds lost since yesterday - 1lb
Miles run / time run for - 3.12 miles, 35 minutes
Times purged - twice
When i got up this morning i had a strong sense of motivation, especially after a small loss in weight. I carefully packed my fruit box for breakfast then made up a salad box of 8 cucumber sticks, 1 carrott baton, 4 olives with pimento and 3 cherry tomatoes for lunch. I decided it was safer to plan to an eventuality where i would want to eat lunch, but wasn't brave enough to venture to the kettle and sip my soup in front of the office.
The morning was a stinking pile of nothing. As most classes have virtually ended, my timetable has crashed and burned like a train wreck. I sat and clicked about on the computers in the morning, then went for lunch. I walked into town and sorted out my business, including buying Sherlock Holmes on DVD. Huge recommendation for it - it's fantastic! I sat on a bench and nibbled my way through my veggie box feeling very conscious but self righteous. As a last trip before heading back to college, i nipped into the local sweet store which does unusual and inventive chocolate bars. I bought two.
Back at work, there was nothing to do. I made a dash for the toilet, predictably this ended up in me purging 1 chocolate bar and the majority of my salad. I got really stressed and panicky though, because for a while a lot of it was just refusing to come out no matter how hard i pushed. In the end i had to 'flush' (bulimic technique) most of it. It's always when i'm hiding out in the toilets that i realise how abnormal my behaviour is - i mean i see the cleaner on a daily basis now. I had to leg it part way through the chocolate binge because the first toilet flooded (not my fault), but there were bits floating and i didn't want to be seen coming out of a loo with vomit in it. Not a good impression!
After i spent a good long while forcing things out, i returned to work and found something more useful to do. When i got home, i decided i would go back out running again, while i was still hot for it. I had planned that i would only run for half an hour or so, just to change up the time lengths. In the end it worked out well - i'm running a lot faster and going further. I compromised and did 35 minutes. When i got home i had tea which was a stir fry with 1 portion of quorn. As soon as my parents were out the house though, i stil felt the need to binge on an ice cream, 1/2 cream cheese bagel and the seconf chocolate bar! I get so aggravated with myself because i am fed up of trying to find solutions to my 'blind binges' and i want to know the reasons why i do it, then i can control it. At the moment, the only means of control is purging.
So, after i had purged for the second time, i settled down to watch Sherlock Holmes and do some exam papers. Although, for the past 5 hours i have had absolutely horrible acid reflux. Thats when you get stomach acid coming back up your oesophagus. It really hurts and i wish it would go away.
So, that's today. Some good, lots bad. Let's hope tomorrow is better, although i doubt it because i have the house to myself in the morning :/
Feed me comments please - they are calorie free!
Poppy xox
I don't know enough about your mental situation, but physically, you're likely binging because your body isn't getting enough food. Our bodies have a strong desire to keep themselves alive so they make us want food no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThat is not meant to be preachy in any way. It's just an observation :)
I had acid reflux really badly about a month ago. It happened because of a combination of stress and poor eating. It was *really* bad. I couldn't breathe for about 20 seconds which was really scary, and my throat hurt for days afterwards.
Personally, I'm proud of you for being able to go for a run after binging. I have been binging a whole lot lately and can't ever seem to stop long enough to work out so its great you can!
ReplyDeletethanks for your comments - it's so nice to get them!
ReplyDeleteBonnie - yes, you are right, it probably is that i'm not getting enough food and my bodily need is overriding my mental will not to have food. It's just frustrating when others who are thinner than me manage to not purge and yet i can't seem to stop myself. It makes me feel fat and out of control, if that makes sense. Makes me feel like the pig. Anyways, i suppose we all deal with things differently, and i won't complain given that i'm still losing weight.
Yeah - acid reflux really hurts. When i'd had a binge before tea, it would really kill when it came to eating it. It was like i'd have no choice but to purge my tea as well because it was too painful to just let the acid keep on up my throat. Sounds like you had it worse than i do though - i have never had an issue with breathing.
Anon - thanks for the encouragement and support. It's comments like yours that make me feel better and keep me going to the next day. Recently i have been the same as you - too bust b/p ing to stop and exercise, but the weight kept creeping on. So as long as i fit in exercise and have breaks in my b/p ing, i lose weight. It had been a few hours since i'd purged my food though so that helps because, as you know, right after purging you get a jippy stomach and it's nt often i go for a run directly after a b/p unless i HAVE to. Sorry to hear your binging is bad recently. How often are you doing it? Do you purge afterwards or are you a BE?
Keep the comments flowing lovelies! :) x