Oblivion is sometimes a pleasant thing

How do i start?

You know when a day starts well and you think everything will go ok. I forget how much sway my habits have on my emotions.

I woke up at 9.30am today and weighed myself. I had maintained, so i was still under 9st. Good, but time to b/p. I went straight onto the binging / purging, and i was at it for 7 hours straight, bar going to the supermarket once to restock.

Suddenly, after i had done my last purge and swept everything away like it never happened, i slumped. I am completely physically and emotionally exhausted and my emotions are zinging around my body like fireflies. Completely out of control and upsetting. I feel really sad and angry at the same time. My body feels limp all over and i feel slightly dizzy.

I developed a bad headache, so decided not to go to my spin session. This really got my mum angry, but in turn that made me angry. She harps on about not doing exercise if i'm not eating properly, and the one time i act sensible and decide not to go because i feel rubbish, she gets angry at me! I can't talk about it, it gets me mad.

I have a thumper of a head right now and have just taken some syndol (first time in a while) which should get rid of it and get me to sleep. I try not to take syndol a lot recently because my heart rate is already quite slow, so i don't want to slow it much further otherwise it could get dangerous.

Lies spread like wildfire when you have an ED, and i think i've just kicked it up a notch today. I have been placating my mother for weeks about booking an appointment to see a doctor. I have never meant to do anything about it. In a further step, i have booked an appointment 2 weeks in advance of today which i do not intend to turn up to. I'll later say i forgot, book another and pretend i turned up to that one. All in all, i intend to string out these fake visits for almost 2 months at which point it won't matter if they know because i'll almost be at my goal weight.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Constantly, 9.30am-4.30pm

Exercise - walk into town, 50 sit ups. Feeling shit, so haven't done much.

Weight: 125lbs

Pulse (BPM): 46bpm

I feel like crying right now so i'm going to go and try and drop off to sleep before anyone comes home. They will probably get angry and shout at me for not eating with them either. I am already pushing it today and i sooo want to go down another lb tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice and support Bonnie. That's rubbish about the weight, but i guess it was a shift in water weight. It is so frustrating when that happens. I tend to find if you change your cal intakes, and only b/p some days, that is the best method. Although b/p usually only loses water weight. I guess you never lose the weight fast enough - it is never quick enough for us!

I will wait for a few more responses in regards to mirrorimage and see.

Back tomorrow for much of the same probably,

Poppy xox

I may not ever be perfect, but i won't be a fat monster

My stomach is swirling up a storm at the moment - it actually got fed! It is really making me uncomfortable because i don't like the idea that food is being digested. So let's crack on with this so that i can get to sleep and ignore it.

Today i got on the scales and fantastically enough, had stayed the same. It was early so i had to sneak into the bathroom with the scales 'hidden' under my dressing gown. It was probably as subtle as carmen miranda in a convent...

The problem is with this good weight loss is that i don't know which of the pills is making it happen or whether it is just my body. I think it is either the kelp or the diet pills, but either way i have to be careful not to throw them off balance. I make sure to take my cocktail of pills in the morning as follows: multivitamin, iron, vegetarian omega 3, kelp, caffiene, diet pills (optional) and laxitives (optional). I have also just bought pottasuim, and magnesuim & calcuim tabs to help keep my system well.

I had to go to my workplace early to tell my boss i had got another job. When i got in the car, i had to roll my eyes at my bad luck - the laxitives i had taken the night before were kicking in and giving me horrendous pains. I had to endure the journey without giving too much away. Eventually when we parted ways from the car, i dashed to the loo for a good 40 mins.

I nipped into town and got a smaller pair of jeans as the others were sliding off me. I also bought some lunch and snacks which i had intended to eat and purge later. I wasn't even worried about it as i knew right from the moment i bought the stuff that i WOULD successfully get rid of it. It is like it's not even an option now - i will purge, and most will come out.

I got home not long after arriving and ate my way through 2 scones, a wrap, a large bag of tortillas, a fruit bar and a bag of white chocolate. I purged at intervals then spent the afternoon reading.

When my sister came home, she realised we needed to whizz to the supermarket so i went with her. We lingered over the ice cream aisle, and she was spending far too long checking out the cal and fat contents on the biscuits for me to not be convinced that she might develop an ED. It scares the shit out of me.

Later, we went to a spin class and i now feel better for working off the soup and olives that are being floated around in my stomach. yuck. I am just hoping the scales are good to me tomorrow.

Marie - Yes, i am going to take the job. My dream career is within mental health and so it is a fantastic career move. This may seem odd, given my situation, but i'd like to think my postition has helped me gain better insight into those who are suffering. I could try to gradually increase my food, however i am just too terrified to do it. I tried today with lunch, but i could already see it wasn't going to stay.

It's not so much that professionals would tell me to gain weight if and when i wanted recovery, it's that i would inevitably gain. Obviously, as is well known, as soon as you return to a healthy eating pattern, weight will shoot up because the body is regulating itself. I just can't have it doing that and there's no way to avoid it.

How the? Gosh! - how did you manage 6lbs? Are you sure you didn't leave a leg in your bed or something??? That's fantastic :) I suppose it's keeping it off now, as it can be sooooo voilatile. Good Luck!

TCStar - Fantastic to hear from you girlie!! With diet pills, there are different ones depending on what effect you want. Obviously, if you can try to avoid them as they can be expensive and short term. However, Hoodia is good. It is an appetite surpressant, however some types don't seem to work as well as others and you should make sure you get PURE hoodia, without any added crap.

Patches don't seem to work for me, and neither do miracle three day pills. Proactol is another good pill. It is said to bind fat molecules together thus reducing the amount you take in. It is quite expensive though, but is more scientifically backed. Try to steer clear of fat pooing pills. I tried some and they did work, but it leaves nasty bright orange (and i mean bright!) smeers in your toilet and pants (err...you get the picture).

Weight loss teas are good for short term and have the added benefits of being good at ridding the body of nasty toxins without flushing good stuff. It will only last a little while though.

For natural stuff, on top of tea, apparently having lots of water-rich foods such as berries, watermelon, soup, etc orks because you are flushing your body. The idea is, the more water you intake the more you get rid of as well. Otherwise your body will store water as it isn't sure when more is coming. I haven't tried it though, because i tend to veer along the dehydration route. I don't have the balls to gulp down 2ltrs of water a day then stand on the scales :/

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: I don't mean to stick this at the bottom, guys, but i will allow you a little time to think about this. Given the situation with my job, and the fact i'm not made of money, i am considering closing mymirrorimage.com. It doesn't generate a lot of activity and it is costing me money, albeit not heaps. Unless small donations are made, which seems harsh on all you guys, it may have to close before the next payment. I will still keep this blog open and continue on, regardless. However, please leave comments below as to whether you wish it to stay up, or would be ok with the blog. Speak out now or you may regret it...

Love

Poppy xox

Broken things

Yes - we are indeed pictureless and extrememly brief today!
I am hunched under the table with my laptop in a darkened dining room because i wanted to quickly explain my absence from the blog.
In short, my computer contracted a virus and it is in the process of rebuilding itself and downloading the right patches to protect itself. I haven't been able to get on it since the last time i wrote to you all.
I am now officially under 9st as of this morning! whoop! however, i think i may have undone that by eating more than i should of today. This is largely due to my conflicting emotions about whether i should embrace recovery or not. It has been a case of 'yes, i can eat this...i eat it.... AH! NO! food is dangerous...i purge....but i shouldn't feel bad....i eat....ahhhh! (you get the picture).
I have been offered the job i had the interview for yesterday. It involves working closely with those who are mentally ill in a ward environment. It is exactly what i want, but obviously this may be a problem if i am 'ill' myself. Ergo, recovery makes sense. However, everytime i think about putting on weight and letting go it hurts so much and i shrink away from it. I DO NOT want to put on ANY weight. In fact, i still think i could lose some. I am so close to my goal - only 2st to go!
Anyways, i have to go now because i have an early morning tomorrow.
Poppy xox

"Guess what? ... I'm not a robot"

It's ok to say you've got a weak spot

You don't always have to be on top

Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable

You are not a robot,

You're loveable, so loveable,

But your just troubled.

I'm addicted to the Marina and the Diamonds song. I thought it says a lot of things that i want to say, and some i wish i could.

Just a quickie because i have an interview tomorrow.

I remained the same this morning which devastated me after maintaining myself so well yesterday. I didn't eat or drink through the morning but when i walked home i bought some grocery items. Most were cupboard items that wouldn't perish quickly. This was to stop me feeling as though i HAD to b/p them to get rid of them rather than waste them.

When i got home my parents were out. I did a dash b/p in 10 minutes which was a completely horrid mess of angel delight, peanut butter sandwich, chocolate cake, fudge and chocolate orange. I was called downstairs to help out with chores and was almost scratching myself with desperation as i had to leave my room before i had purged enough. Or so it felt.

Then we had visitors and i really wanted to stay away from the food. But all i could think of was the bread that my stomach was yet to get rid of. So i guess somewhere in my Bulimic mind it was decided that the best way to sort out this mess is to get REALLY full on food to get a large purge. So with that i had biscuits, cake and another peanut butter sandwich. Once the visitors left, i was quite stuffed, not very painfully but enough for me to want to get rid of it.

My parents were invited out but my sister stayed. I said i'd put a pizza in for us when tea time came around. The binge was all set to continue. I stuffed 1/2 packet of chocolates down and a couple of bakewells. That was when i really felt sick. Not just like 'I'm going to make myself ill' sick, but like 'I'm not going to stop this even if i want to' sick. It is the best type because my body automatically took over and purged the whole lot without me even forcing it. Luckily, at this point my sister had gone for a run.

By the time she got back, she asked about the pizza but i was still feeling queezy and no longer hungry. I told her i was feeling ill, she glared and told me she'd get her own tea. I weighed myself and i'd gone down! Yippee! I was convinced i would go up, and i still am scared that tomorrow i will stand on them and have gone up 6lbs or something.

Cross fingers that i go down, because if i go down then i will feel good and probably do better in the interview. If i go up, i will be depressed and do badly.

Bonnie - I know what you mean about junk food calories. Sometimes i can't believe they can squeeze that many into such a small surface area of food! At least you can make amends to fix it now though, rather than be halfway through eating it and seeing the cals.

Yes, i am constantly surprised by my body at the moment. I am getting bruises everywhere and my body senses are heightened because i feel everything more. I can't see many bones yet, apart from my clavicles and my spine when i bend. I have got into the habit of leaning on my hip bones when i am reading or something though. handy! :p

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - God knows! I would guesstimate my purging around 4 times but i'm not sure

Exercise - Nothing. How pathetic.

Weight - 128lbs

Pulse (BPM)- 48bpm

Right, nighty night, wish me luck and speak tomorrow,

Poppy xox