Oblivion is sometimes a pleasant thing

How do i start?

You know when a day starts well and you think everything will go ok. I forget how much sway my habits have on my emotions.

I woke up at 9.30am today and weighed myself. I had maintained, so i was still under 9st. Good, but time to b/p. I went straight onto the binging / purging, and i was at it for 7 hours straight, bar going to the supermarket once to restock.

Suddenly, after i had done my last purge and swept everything away like it never happened, i slumped. I am completely physically and emotionally exhausted and my emotions are zinging around my body like fireflies. Completely out of control and upsetting. I feel really sad and angry at the same time. My body feels limp all over and i feel slightly dizzy.

I developed a bad headache, so decided not to go to my spin session. This really got my mum angry, but in turn that made me angry. She harps on about not doing exercise if i'm not eating properly, and the one time i act sensible and decide not to go because i feel rubbish, she gets angry at me! I can't talk about it, it gets me mad.

I have a thumper of a head right now and have just taken some syndol (first time in a while) which should get rid of it and get me to sleep. I try not to take syndol a lot recently because my heart rate is already quite slow, so i don't want to slow it much further otherwise it could get dangerous.

Lies spread like wildfire when you have an ED, and i think i've just kicked it up a notch today. I have been placating my mother for weeks about booking an appointment to see a doctor. I have never meant to do anything about it. In a further step, i have booked an appointment 2 weeks in advance of today which i do not intend to turn up to. I'll later say i forgot, book another and pretend i turned up to that one. All in all, i intend to string out these fake visits for almost 2 months at which point it won't matter if they know because i'll almost be at my goal weight.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Constantly, 9.30am-4.30pm

Exercise - walk into town, 50 sit ups. Feeling shit, so haven't done much.

Weight: 125lbs

Pulse (BPM): 46bpm

I feel like crying right now so i'm going to go and try and drop off to sleep before anyone comes home. They will probably get angry and shout at me for not eating with them either. I am already pushing it today and i sooo want to go down another lb tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice and support Bonnie. That's rubbish about the weight, but i guess it was a shift in water weight. It is so frustrating when that happens. I tend to find if you change your cal intakes, and only b/p some days, that is the best method. Although b/p usually only loses water weight. I guess you never lose the weight fast enough - it is never quick enough for us!

I will wait for a few more responses in regards to mirrorimage and see.

Back tomorrow for much of the same probably,

Poppy xox