I may not ever be perfect, but i won't be a fat monster

My stomach is swirling up a storm at the moment - it actually got fed! It is really making me uncomfortable because i don't like the idea that food is being digested. So let's crack on with this so that i can get to sleep and ignore it.

Today i got on the scales and fantastically enough, had stayed the same. It was early so i had to sneak into the bathroom with the scales 'hidden' under my dressing gown. It was probably as subtle as carmen miranda in a convent...

The problem is with this good weight loss is that i don't know which of the pills is making it happen or whether it is just my body. I think it is either the kelp or the diet pills, but either way i have to be careful not to throw them off balance. I make sure to take my cocktail of pills in the morning as follows: multivitamin, iron, vegetarian omega 3, kelp, caffiene, diet pills (optional) and laxitives (optional). I have also just bought pottasuim, and magnesuim & calcuim tabs to help keep my system well.

I had to go to my workplace early to tell my boss i had got another job. When i got in the car, i had to roll my eyes at my bad luck - the laxitives i had taken the night before were kicking in and giving me horrendous pains. I had to endure the journey without giving too much away. Eventually when we parted ways from the car, i dashed to the loo for a good 40 mins.

I nipped into town and got a smaller pair of jeans as the others were sliding off me. I also bought some lunch and snacks which i had intended to eat and purge later. I wasn't even worried about it as i knew right from the moment i bought the stuff that i WOULD successfully get rid of it. It is like it's not even an option now - i will purge, and most will come out.

I got home not long after arriving and ate my way through 2 scones, a wrap, a large bag of tortillas, a fruit bar and a bag of white chocolate. I purged at intervals then spent the afternoon reading.

When my sister came home, she realised we needed to whizz to the supermarket so i went with her. We lingered over the ice cream aisle, and she was spending far too long checking out the cal and fat contents on the biscuits for me to not be convinced that she might develop an ED. It scares the shit out of me.

Later, we went to a spin class and i now feel better for working off the soup and olives that are being floated around in my stomach. yuck. I am just hoping the scales are good to me tomorrow.

Marie - Yes, i am going to take the job. My dream career is within mental health and so it is a fantastic career move. This may seem odd, given my situation, but i'd like to think my postition has helped me gain better insight into those who are suffering. I could try to gradually increase my food, however i am just too terrified to do it. I tried today with lunch, but i could already see it wasn't going to stay.

It's not so much that professionals would tell me to gain weight if and when i wanted recovery, it's that i would inevitably gain. Obviously, as is well known, as soon as you return to a healthy eating pattern, weight will shoot up because the body is regulating itself. I just can't have it doing that and there's no way to avoid it.

How the? Gosh! - how did you manage 6lbs? Are you sure you didn't leave a leg in your bed or something??? That's fantastic :) I suppose it's keeping it off now, as it can be sooooo voilatile. Good Luck!

TCStar - Fantastic to hear from you girlie!! With diet pills, there are different ones depending on what effect you want. Obviously, if you can try to avoid them as they can be expensive and short term. However, Hoodia is good. It is an appetite surpressant, however some types don't seem to work as well as others and you should make sure you get PURE hoodia, without any added crap.

Patches don't seem to work for me, and neither do miracle three day pills. Proactol is another good pill. It is said to bind fat molecules together thus reducing the amount you take in. It is quite expensive though, but is more scientifically backed. Try to steer clear of fat pooing pills. I tried some and they did work, but it leaves nasty bright orange (and i mean bright!) smeers in your toilet and pants (err...you get the picture).

Weight loss teas are good for short term and have the added benefits of being good at ridding the body of nasty toxins without flushing good stuff. It will only last a little while though.

For natural stuff, on top of tea, apparently having lots of water-rich foods such as berries, watermelon, soup, etc orks because you are flushing your body. The idea is, the more water you intake the more you get rid of as well. Otherwise your body will store water as it isn't sure when more is coming. I haven't tried it though, because i tend to veer along the dehydration route. I don't have the balls to gulp down 2ltrs of water a day then stand on the scales :/

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: I don't mean to stick this at the bottom, guys, but i will allow you a little time to think about this. Given the situation with my job, and the fact i'm not made of money, i am considering closing mymirrorimage.com. It doesn't generate a lot of activity and it is costing me money, albeit not heaps. Unless small donations are made, which seems harsh on all you guys, it may have to close before the next payment. I will still keep this blog open and continue on, regardless. However, please leave comments below as to whether you wish it to stay up, or would be ok with the blog. Speak out now or you may regret it...

Love

Poppy xox