"Guess what? ... I'm not a robot"

It's ok to say you've got a weak spot

You don't always have to be on top

Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable

You are not a robot,

You're loveable, so loveable,

But your just troubled.

I'm addicted to the Marina and the Diamonds song. I thought it says a lot of things that i want to say, and some i wish i could.

Just a quickie because i have an interview tomorrow.

I remained the same this morning which devastated me after maintaining myself so well yesterday. I didn't eat or drink through the morning but when i walked home i bought some grocery items. Most were cupboard items that wouldn't perish quickly. This was to stop me feeling as though i HAD to b/p them to get rid of them rather than waste them.

When i got home my parents were out. I did a dash b/p in 10 minutes which was a completely horrid mess of angel delight, peanut butter sandwich, chocolate cake, fudge and chocolate orange. I was called downstairs to help out with chores and was almost scratching myself with desperation as i had to leave my room before i had purged enough. Or so it felt.

Then we had visitors and i really wanted to stay away from the food. But all i could think of was the bread that my stomach was yet to get rid of. So i guess somewhere in my Bulimic mind it was decided that the best way to sort out this mess is to get REALLY full on food to get a large purge. So with that i had biscuits, cake and another peanut butter sandwich. Once the visitors left, i was quite stuffed, not very painfully but enough for me to want to get rid of it.

My parents were invited out but my sister stayed. I said i'd put a pizza in for us when tea time came around. The binge was all set to continue. I stuffed 1/2 packet of chocolates down and a couple of bakewells. That was when i really felt sick. Not just like 'I'm going to make myself ill' sick, but like 'I'm not going to stop this even if i want to' sick. It is the best type because my body automatically took over and purged the whole lot without me even forcing it. Luckily, at this point my sister had gone for a run.

By the time she got back, she asked about the pizza but i was still feeling queezy and no longer hungry. I told her i was feeling ill, she glared and told me she'd get her own tea. I weighed myself and i'd gone down! Yippee! I was convinced i would go up, and i still am scared that tomorrow i will stand on them and have gone up 6lbs or something.

Cross fingers that i go down, because if i go down then i will feel good and probably do better in the interview. If i go up, i will be depressed and do badly.

Bonnie - I know what you mean about junk food calories. Sometimes i can't believe they can squeeze that many into such a small surface area of food! At least you can make amends to fix it now though, rather than be halfway through eating it and seeing the cals.

Yes, i am constantly surprised by my body at the moment. I am getting bruises everywhere and my body senses are heightened because i feel everything more. I can't see many bones yet, apart from my clavicles and my spine when i bend. I have got into the habit of leaning on my hip bones when i am reading or something though. handy! :p

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - God knows! I would guesstimate my purging around 4 times but i'm not sure

Exercise - Nothing. How pathetic.

Weight - 128lbs

Pulse (BPM)- 48bpm

Right, nighty night, wish me luck and speak tomorrow,

Poppy xox