I cannot say my day has been deviod of calories, but i promise you will not gain a single ounce by reading this blog. WARNING: Poppy is not responsible for any weight you may gain or lose while reading this blog due to your own activities.
Today has been a good day that has almost turned into a bad day, but was saved from the brink time and time again.
The good news is that i weighed myself today and i lost a lb. Yipee! The bad news is that for no discernable reason, i will probably find i have put it back on again by 5am tomorrow morning. Sigh...
Today i got up at 5am and managed to take my time getting ready. I carefully planned my layers of clothing, and almost find it necessary to use pins in my work skirt to keep it up. I had the drink that i had promised myself after denying myself a drink last night. Thank god for caffienated bevarages otherwise i would look nothing more advanced than a grunting ball of fluff in the early mornings!
When i arrived for work, i found out that i didn't actually have to be in as i wasn't shifted for it. But i worked it anyways, and it's getting easier to avoid the jam, butter and croissants. At the end of the shift, i really fancied a cheese jacket potato. Whenever i think about having something like that, it is immediately followed by thoughts of where to purge it up and if it is feasable to do it without gaining weight. I decided it was, however my plans had not involved my parents being around.
Unfortunately for my bulimic demon, they were. I jumped in the car and they told me that we were going to a cafe for a piece of cake. First of the parental ambushes to come! I could do nothing but smile and pretend like everything was perfectly normal about it. I decided that i woudl just have to have a scone instead of a potato and make sure to purge it just the same. I scoffed my scone and then only sipped water, enough to let it stick together but not flake apart. They picked at me for not drinking much and i told them to pick their battles - i don't like tap water. Which is true in fact so i wasn't lying.
They dropped me off at home and went shopping. Excellent - time to rid. I ate a chocolate bar and an ice cream i had bought earlier in secret to start the process off. After them, it got a bit crazy as i had another 2 ice creams, a homemade spaghetti carbonara (minus ham), reeses, and jelly bellys. I purged it and then weighed myself - i had gained a little. Time was getting on for me to return to work and i was desperately running from scales to toilet to drink trying to get back down. Eventually i did, but it was tight.
I made some rules for myself as i walked to work, determined that i wouldn't gain tomorrow morning. I decided that i couldn't have any fluid for the rest of the day, and no food. Things almost crumbled when they presented the cheesecake. A few times i chewed/spat the mouthful then washed out my mouth, but i didn't ingest. I steered clear of the fudge but only because i stuffed some in my bag for my box under the bed.
I got home around 9.30pm, and hid the fudge away. I told my mum that i ate cheesecake and she told me not to 'do anything' [purge], and to try not to feel guilty. I told her i'd eaten it earlier and i know. I don't feel guilty for lying and i don't know why. My parents told me, in a joking manner, to stop shrinking. I laughed it off, play punched and steered clear of any accusatory remarks such as 'No way! I can see loads of fat!'
I got in the bath. This in itself isn't very interesting. What was weird about this one was the fact i haven't had a bath (as opposed to a shower) in months. When i pulled myself down the bath, i had the slightly unpleasant sensation of my spine slipping against the tub. I can clearly feel the tip of it through my bottom and it is such a bizzare experience. It makes me want to giggle a bit, rather than act shocked. It's like i'm a child again and discovering my body for the first time like it's all new. It's fascinating to feel parts that i never acknowledged that i had.
Quick Bites:
Binged / Purged - Twice, meduim sized binge and a tiny bit to ensure no cheesecake had been digested (mostly water)
Exercise - I'm not counting my walking around at work for 10 hours as exercise. It doesn't feel right...
Weight - 128lbs
Pulse (BPM) - 49bpm
Now, i'm going to have to love you and leave you without any precious pearls of wisdom or rambling epithets. I have work at 5am again tomorrow and i would like to be able to do more than walk around grunting with my head between my coffee-scalded hands.
Let me know how you are all doing. You can all see how i'm doing but i can't find out about you, so please let me know. You are important.
Poppy xox
I looked up the nutritional info of some of the junk food I've been eating ... OMG ... SO many calories. I think that knowing that info will keep me from eating it ever again.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about rediscovering your body. That happened to me when I was at my thinnest, which wasn't even all that thin. I couldn't see any of my bones or anything (except collarbones) but I could feel them a lot easier, and sitting or laying down felt a lot different because I had so much less padding on me.