[Damn javascript just turned my first paragraph into a load of arrows! Here we go, try number two!...]
Ugh! This is how i feel at the moment. Indeed, if you want to picture me, imagine me like a furry over-bloated marmot wishing its own claws would scratch out its eyes rather than look at the mountain of flesh under its vision!
I have been avoiding retuning to my blog for a while due to 1. Laziness (unacceptable) and 2. Anger and shame at myself (a given factor).
I am currently at 135lbs but i wanted to be so much lower. The weight is coming off me really slow and i know it's because i'm purging nearly all the food i eat. This wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't eating more due to this. So, i am going to have to try and curb my over-zealous eating. Although i am going away on my own for a few days so i will probably 'treat' myself to a b/p on one of the days. I can't really eat anything bt fruit at the moment without purging it, thus my purging routine is about 3 times a day at least. Sucks...
Anyways, I won't go on about today because i want to write a fresh blog tomorrow. I will be away for a few days after Monday, but i'll try to be more regular then. Maybe this is a bit mean to tease you with a couple of blogs before going again, but i didn't want you to get concerned. Thanks anon for your concern - i am ok. No fainting spells! Hope you are doing well? I do hope to see light at the end of the tunnel eventually, however i don't think i'm there just yet. I have tremendous admiration and respect for those who have taken or are taking that step to get support though. They are incredibly brave.
Message for Bonnie: Hi! Firstly, don't panic. I'm not angry at you! I'd much rather you shared you views. I like to think of this blog as a forum where there are ni inhibitions and we can discuss those views closest to us without fear of hurting someone else or scaring them away.
It's difficult for me to try and get my head around this because i am trying to deal with possibly the two closest things in my life - my mother and my eating disorder. On the one hand, i am concerned, almost upset, that she hasn't seen anyone about my eating disorder and thought my behaviour of substatial concern, enough to merit visiting someone about it or expressing her concerns. However, i am also relieved because the ED part of me wants to stay in the dark like some magic trick, waiting until the transformation to be complete before i pop out and shout 'ta da!!'.
My mum HAS had anorexia in the past, so nothing much has gotten around her depite the fact i hide it as much as possible. I placate her by telling her that i'm trying to sort out counselling. I acknowledge to her that i have a problem , i say that i will get help in the future but not yet - 'i'm not ready yet'. I suppose given that i'm not underweight*, and that i'm over 18 and have had this for years, it is very difficult to take the leap to see someone about it. Also, my stint in hospital didn't go too well, and she sees it that hospital wouldn't do me any good. Maybe she is trying to deny it is happening because she is truly scared for me. I don't know.
(*I actually have a smack-in-the-middle BMI of 21.9. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 25. To work out your own bmi, click HERE.
Since starting this latest stint, i have lost 4st 7lbs (63lbs), which, if i had started at a normal weight, would most certainly now be classed as anorexic/anorectic. Yet, as i started out in the obese BMI range, it is only now that things are being noticed. I feel such scorn towards peoples change in views between being judged as an overweight person and as a normal weight person. When i was losing weight in the obese range, so many people saw my loss as fantastic and a great improvement. Many told me 'Good Work!'. Now, because i am normal range, people are concerned and telling me 'don't lose too much weight!'. Hypocrites!
Enough ranting! Let me know how you're all doing yourselves. How is your weight loss and eating disorder going? - bad? good? - what defines those??
Hugs,
Poppy xox
