day 2 of fast completed! Just one more day and i'll be over the 3 day hump!

Heya.

Well, today i'm really feeling it. Not the hunger so much, because i can manage that with some of my stubborness. But i'm feeling so lethargic today, and it feels as though my brain is swimiming through treacle! I wouldn't usually notice, but since i'm beavering away at my essays, etc, i can see a difference.

I won't give in though. I can get through this. I just need to use more of my iron will!

Today i woke up late because i had trouble sleeping last night. This meant it wasn't much of a crawl past lunch. I helped myself to 2 diet cokes and time seemed to go ok. Everytime i want food, i keep shouting at myself - WHY?! There is no reason to want it. I am fat enough as it is, and after all that food, why should i be hungry? I have no right.

The rest of the day i pretty much just had 1lr bottle of water. At least im fulfilling the liquid intake for the day! What still angers me is how slowly the weight is coming off. After i ate that awful stuff, i must have put on 2lbs. But its taking me AGES to take it off! I weighed myself today and don't seem to be losing weight faster than i was before, when i was having 100-200kcals a day! It really is enough to make you feel helpless.

I can't get back into exercise yet because i've got all of this work. I'm hoping that when i finish my work which should be i just under a week now i can start doing more. I noticed there's a gym at uni and im gonna see what i can to join for a month. Also my friend and i have arranged to go for a walk for an hour every day and swim. So hopefully that ought to push my body into action!

Also i've just bought some more diet pills. I know alot of people say they don't work, and they are probably true and more prudent than i am. But i still want to see - anything that might work is worth a go. I've already tried lipovox, pink patch, 72 hour pill, proactol and hoodia. Now im on something called slinky. I take 2 pills 2 times a day. We'll have to see if it helps shift the weight quicker. I just want to weight off.

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 1ltr water, 3 x diet coke (12kcal)

TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 12kcal

Please let me know if you are still reading my blog and haven't disappeared. I want to know that my blogs are read, otherwise there's no reason to keep putting them up!

Hope you are all well (How are you Alissia and Lilly?)

Poppy xoxox

My Crime and Punishment

Right, well yesterday was a fiasco! Sorry about the silence but i was kind of having a rough time last night! So, as im one day behind, i'll do both days in this blog. They sort of link anyways!

6TH MAY 2009

Ok. Well it wasn't that the day wasn't going really well. I hadn't had anything to eat until my cuppa-soup in the evening. I had been weighing myself that day, and for no apparent reason. I wasn't losing, in fact i'd gained. It made no sense, since i was eating, usually, under 200kcals!

Now, bear in mind, i sometimes like to go on shop or takeaway sites, just to do 'dream baskets', full of all the things i won't let myself have. This time it was a pizza place.

I can't even rightly say what happened. I messed around a few times, went away and phoned my family who were happily tucking into pizza themselves. All i wanted to do was binge and stuff and vomit and feel something. I went and ordered (no lie) - meduim pizza with loads of toppings, garlic bread, stuffed potato skins and brownies with sauce.

I don't think i even regretted it when it arrived. I didn't hate myself then because i still had my safety net. I knew that when i ate it, i would just purge it back up. So when i got it to my room, i stuffed like i hardly ever stuff. I felt so full and uncomfortable that i wanted to cry. I managed to get some out with my method, but when that didn't work i had to resort to fingers. More came out, but it still wasn't even half.

Then came the guilt and anger. I was so angry with myself and was getting really upset that it wasnt all coming out. To rub salt in the wound, i weighed myself and i was appauled to see the numbers go up. So for the rest of the early morning, i spent it throwing up food every minute or so. But i didn't believe i got it all out. I was so angry, that in a sort of haze, i did something i haven't done for months. I cut myself with my razor. It just hated myself. Still do.

I then put the boxes in a bin bag so i didn't have to look at them. Eventually i managed to fall asleep, although i was so aware that i was full. I hated it. So i made a resolution. Because of my unforgivable binge, i would go on a fast for as long as i could. Hoping that it would at least shift the pounds, and avoid gaining too much.

Onto today...

7TH MAY 2009

I woke up tired and determined to punish myself. I had a really good seminar in the morning and spent the afternoon walking around town getting things done. I haven't reached for anything once. There's not even much to say about today. The only thing that struck me was how low i felt when i woke up. Clearly this was me coming down off a 'high' after purging. I can't believe it affected my life that much when i did it so much, but clearly it did!

So, day 1 of fasting done. Now, just to fill you all in, i allow myself certain liquids only.

o Diet sodas/pops

o Flavoured water (not unlimited)

o Sugar free squash (not unlimited)

o and, of course, water.

If i get hungry, i've allowed myself to have gum. I also allow myself a slice of lemon if im getting bored with plain water!

Thats pretty much it. I'm exhausted now, because i got up really early today. Hope this blog makes up for the lack of one the other day. I hope you understand why i couldn't write last night.

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 50cl water, 3 x squash (10kcal), 2 bottles coke (4kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 14kcal

(i won't add my walking for today)

Speak tomorrow lovelies!

Poppy XXOxx

I've had so many close sahves with food today, a tweezer couldn't get more out! :p

As you can tell, i'm a little desperate for sleep at the moment, so this blog isn't going to be as long as you or i might want it to be.

Well, i had arraged with my friend last night that she come over for 8.30am in order that we get in early to get our tickets for the ball. However, this meant i had to hide an evidence which sadly included my wonderful inspirational collage mirror. After i hid it all, i cut half an apple up and put it in my bag in case i really needed it.

When we got to uni we sorted out our tickets, then went to the shop because my friend wanted some breakfast. I got a drink and some go-ahead bars because i know, for me, they're still safe. We then went a found someplace to study - the dining hall! It was great studying although a little difficult to focus over the wafts of chips. We shared a small tub of olives (i let her have the cheese!), and i had my go ahead bar a little later. The idea to get takeaway was brought up, but i tried to steer her off that before she knew i was doing it.

When we did leave the hall at 3pm, we caught the bus into town and i went back to her house. However, not before i topped up on my essentials (lettuce, tomatoes, soups, etc) and she went to her supermarket. She would occasionally offer if i wanted anything, but i was quite proud to stick to my guns! Eventually we left, and heaved the bags to her place.

There i have spent quite a few hours before finally returning here, hence my late blog. I was worried because i knew that my staying hours would pass through teatime, so i bought a cuppa soup just as back up. Luckily i needed it, and avoided any offer of anything mildy calorific!

So..now im exhausted, but a little fed up because, despite having a good day, the scales haven't moved much. I know it's to do with metabolism, etc, but it is infuriating when your looking for encouragement.

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: yoghurt go ahead bar (144kcal)

Tea: slim a soup (60kcal)

Snack: 10 olives (26kcal)

Drinks: 1 pepsi max (1kcal), 3 glasses of squash (12kcal) and a 7up light (1kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 244kcal

It's not been the best day, but i've still stayed under the 300kcal restriction! Tomorrow i will do better. Also i have done quite alot of walking today, but i can't quantify how much, so i won't add it to any sort of total.

Speak tomorrow - leave comments (i know, im a comment whore!),

Poppy xoxoxo

Weigh in day! Yay - I'm soooooo happy!

Woo Hoo! Today is the first day of a new week and my weigh-in day!

So firstly, i'll tell you the results of my weigh-in.

I got up at 9am and made sure i had no liquids before i stood on the scales.

RESULTS:

WEIGHT LOSS/GAIN: LOST 9LBS!

Yes! Can you believe it, this week i've lost a whopping 9lbs! I'm so chuffed. I'm a little worried about loose skin though, which i've heard can happen with fast weight loss. Do you know anything that might help? I'm young so my skin should be quite flexible, but im not sure.

Right, after that little celebration, on to today. Firstly, if you expecting me to mention anything other than work, work, work then you'll be sorely disappointed! That's right, its been a tough day and i felt like i was drowing in books. Although i think from a book lovers point of view, thats probably the best way to go! lol.

After i got up, i decided i wouldn't have any breakfast because it was only 3 hours till midday. There's no point for unnecessary calories if i can help it. At 1pm i got myself a small salad and got back to work. I managed to finish both essays by 5pm then watched a film.

At 8pm, i was so hungry for my usual slim a soup, so had it. I am beginning to love those little mugs! ;) Now, im exhausted, and i apologise for the lateness of my blog as i've just been on the phone with a friend. Also i apologise for the shortness of my blog - i really have been working all day!

Right, i want bed as i have to get up at 8am to get tickets for our summer ball!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: small salad - lettuce, 5 cherry tomatoes and 8 olives (34kcal)

Tea: slim a soup (60kcal)

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 5 pepsi max (5kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 99kcal

Thats all today - please leave me a 'whoop whoop' celebratory comment and rate! Hopefully i can keep up my weight loss this week, and won't just plateau!

Hugs and wishes,

x x Poppy x x

Tired, hungry but happy

Yay! The last day in the week and i'm completely knackered. Serious frantic writing of essays mixed with my eating is not good! Never mind, i'll get over it.

I got up at 9am today, despite being really tired, due to late study last night. I went straight away to writing my essay and didn't even think about breakfast. I only had 2 pepsi maxes to keep me awake.

When it got to 12 midday i decided to make my way to go to my friends house. I managed to cut up half an apple and put it in my bag in case i got hungry. The last thing i needed was to cave and give in to the cake on the last day of the week! When i went into the kitchen, one of my friends told me she had bought a cookie for me. I said thank you and, when she was gone, wrapped it in cellophane. I made sure i picked the one that look less appetising and it's now sitting in my drawer. Right now, im in no danger of eating it.

I finally heaved (and they REALLY were heavy) my laptop and bag, stuffed full of books onto my back. It would take me about 40 minutes to get to friends, with part of it being uphill. I reminded myself how much lighter i would be if the bags i were carrying now was my weight and i lost it. I went to sainsburys and avoided any traps. There is strange sense that you actually are treating yourself when you buy chocolate or cake for others. It satisfies some craving in you without you actually consuming anything. I bought the taste the difference thick chocolate fudge cake for them. At least they could enjoy it.

When i finally got to my friends, she commented on how slim i looked. I dont know how mucg of this weeks weight loss shows, but to me i feel no slimmer. I still have a long way to go. Compliments like that fill me with a pride but also with dread. Pride because clearly your work is showing, however i fear that someone will twig if they can spot it already. Anyways, i gave her the cake and told her i didnt want any because i'd eaten lunch a little earlier.

So much of me wanted that cake but i refrained. We studied and talked for hours. She said i could kip at hers if i want to during the summer. This is brilliant because whenever im finding it too hard to hide at home or they wont give me a break, i have somewhere to go. At 7pm i left, and i got home by 7.30.

I put off running for the slim a soup in the kitchen. Finally at 8.30pm i allowed myself to have it. Having that slim-a-soup is like a little bit of warm heaven! Its so delicious! I will definitely have to buy more. Right now, im writing to you before i continue with my essay which i MUST complete today. snooze... I'll be able to get to sleep easy enough tonight!

Ok, lets get straight on to the cals -

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Brocolli and Cauliflower slim-a-soup (60kcal)

Snack: 1/2 apple (36kcal)

Drinks: 3 pepsi max (3kcal), 2 low cal flavoured waters (12kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 111kcal


EXERCISE LIST:

Walking 50 mins at least (170kcal)

TOTAL CALS BURNT: 170kcal


Right, im getting behind with my work, so i'll get back to you tomorrow. Please have you comments at the ready for tomorrow's WEIGH IN! Can't wait!

Poppy xOxXooOx

Work work work...oh, and a little eating

Good evening all!

My first week back is nearly up and i can't wait until Monday morning when i weight myself. I must confess, i have been weighing myself at least once a day, and it is going VERY WELL! Anyways, i'll leave you on that little tenterhook for another day and a half!

My waking hours are getting later and later now. I think today was because my housemates woke me up at 2am and i found it majorly hard to get back to sleep. At least they were having fun! So i got up at about 10am. I knew i had to go into town, and had to get loads of my essay done. But i was really trying to delay my essay so ended up scouring youtube. oops!

Before i knew it, it was midday. So i decided there was no point for breakfast, and marched off into town. I picked up a few things for a care package for my family back home, because they are feeling a bit low at the moment. I had to deal with the smells again and it really wasnt nice. I had the pasty shop waving in my face, and i do miss those cheese pasties, then i passed the fish and chip shop, then i passed a restaurant and i could smell beef burgers coming from the vent. So strong! (Note: although i don't eat meat, doesn't mean my mouth doesn't water at the smell of it, i just wouldn't EAT it). But i knew if i even ate one of those things, it would all be a waste of time and i would hate myself even more.

I had to go to sainsburys to pick up some more flowers for my room and pepsi max (love it love it love it!). I found it surprisingly easy to avoid the bad things, but i imagine had i been standing in front of them it would have been harder. I then walked home with all my bags, for extra exercise and was so hot by the time i got back. This was largely not because im lazy (although i could probably do with ALOT more exercise), but because today has been a tremendously hot day! When i got back, i couldn't resist to try on the dress that i want to wear to the ball in a months time. I was so chuffed to find the zip did all the way up. Now i've just got to lose roughly half a stone and it'll be perfect. Can't wait!

This afternoon has been me pushing on with work. I had to take a break for some sort of food because i couldn't concentrate properly. So, for lunch i had a small salad, and then for tea i had a slim a soup and olives. That slim a soup was heaven - i hardly have any hot food here because i am really petrified of cooking in the kitchen where others can see me. I am convinced people will be thinking 'eugh! she's fat!'.

Altogether, today has been a good day and im going to try to maintain my good progress tomorrow - the last thing i want to do is fall at the last hurdle before the end of the week! I'm a bit worried as well because i'm going up to see a friend tomorrow and she mentioned lunch. Luckily it's at 1pm so i can pretend i've had lunch, but im going to take cake up for them because they've been really good to me. I just hope no one forces cake on me - i'll be really upset.

Right, onto the mathematics of the day - who said maths isn't used anymore in the real world?!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: a small salad - 1/3 lettuce, 4 cherry tomatoes, and 10 olives (40kcal)

Tea: 1 sachet of brocolli and cauliflower slim a soup (60kcal), 3 olives (6kcal)

Snack: 1 piece of gum (5kcal)

Drinks: 4 1/2 pepsi max (4.5kcal), 2 glasses of squash (8kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 123.5kcal

EXERCISE LIST:

Walking 40 minutes at least (150kcal)

TOTAL CALS BURNT: 150kcal

Ok, i've got to wrap up for tonight, and finish my essay. A quick message to Lilly - Thanks for your support - yesterday was so rough. I'm sorry to hear you're ill, but at least it's nothing too serious and, like you said, you're losing a few pounds! I used to wish i'd have a stomach flu - its always different when you get it though! After i finish uni (last date at my current place is 28th june), i have to go back home. I'm really nervous about that because things will start getting difficult again and i'll be so close to my goal by that point. Hopefully i will get through it, like i did the last time i was doing so well - i was at home for all of that. Keep your fingers crossed for me in July!

Night night, speak soon and get well soon Lilly!

xo Poppy ox :)