My Crime and Punishment

Right, well yesterday was a fiasco! Sorry about the silence but i was kind of having a rough time last night! So, as im one day behind, i'll do both days in this blog. They sort of link anyways!

6TH MAY 2009

Ok. Well it wasn't that the day wasn't going really well. I hadn't had anything to eat until my cuppa-soup in the evening. I had been weighing myself that day, and for no apparent reason. I wasn't losing, in fact i'd gained. It made no sense, since i was eating, usually, under 200kcals!

Now, bear in mind, i sometimes like to go on shop or takeaway sites, just to do 'dream baskets', full of all the things i won't let myself have. This time it was a pizza place.

I can't even rightly say what happened. I messed around a few times, went away and phoned my family who were happily tucking into pizza themselves. All i wanted to do was binge and stuff and vomit and feel something. I went and ordered (no lie) - meduim pizza with loads of toppings, garlic bread, stuffed potato skins and brownies with sauce.

I don't think i even regretted it when it arrived. I didn't hate myself then because i still had my safety net. I knew that when i ate it, i would just purge it back up. So when i got it to my room, i stuffed like i hardly ever stuff. I felt so full and uncomfortable that i wanted to cry. I managed to get some out with my method, but when that didn't work i had to resort to fingers. More came out, but it still wasn't even half.

Then came the guilt and anger. I was so angry with myself and was getting really upset that it wasnt all coming out. To rub salt in the wound, i weighed myself and i was appauled to see the numbers go up. So for the rest of the early morning, i spent it throwing up food every minute or so. But i didn't believe i got it all out. I was so angry, that in a sort of haze, i did something i haven't done for months. I cut myself with my razor. It just hated myself. Still do.

I then put the boxes in a bin bag so i didn't have to look at them. Eventually i managed to fall asleep, although i was so aware that i was full. I hated it. So i made a resolution. Because of my unforgivable binge, i would go on a fast for as long as i could. Hoping that it would at least shift the pounds, and avoid gaining too much.

Onto today...

7TH MAY 2009

I woke up tired and determined to punish myself. I had a really good seminar in the morning and spent the afternoon walking around town getting things done. I haven't reached for anything once. There's not even much to say about today. The only thing that struck me was how low i felt when i woke up. Clearly this was me coming down off a 'high' after purging. I can't believe it affected my life that much when i did it so much, but clearly it did!

So, day 1 of fasting done. Now, just to fill you all in, i allow myself certain liquids only.

o Diet sodas/pops

o Flavoured water (not unlimited)

o Sugar free squash (not unlimited)

o and, of course, water.

If i get hungry, i've allowed myself to have gum. I also allow myself a slice of lemon if im getting bored with plain water!

Thats pretty much it. I'm exhausted now, because i got up really early today. Hope this blog makes up for the lack of one the other day. I hope you understand why i couldn't write last night.

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 50cl water, 3 x squash (10kcal), 2 bottles coke (4kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 14kcal

(i won't add my walking for today)

Speak tomorrow lovelies!

Poppy XXOxx