Well, over these last few days i've been hiding from you all, skulking in the dark stuffy corners of my mind. After mentioning my increased need to binge, and thus rising levels of purging, things didn't subside. I continued to binge and purge, and i put on a little extra weight as well. I was constantly freaking out about the weight gain but couldn't seem to stop eating. It was only yesterday that i realised i had to get a hold of it while i hadn't gained a mamouth amount of weight and ended back up as a beached whale in overly-tight summer shorts. Ugh!
So, i have gritted my teeth and come on here to say the following: I'M BULIMIC!
This sounds so stupid, but we all fool outselves that we can become anorexic and i have always harboured the belief that bulimia is a secondary eating disorder - one of chaos and indulgence, whereas anorexia is one on a higher plane of being! But i was always brought up on the idea that food can solve anything and that if i eat enough of it, it will be able to substitute pretty much anything. All those feelings that swirl around in your body can be solved by a couple of doughnuts and a bottle of liptons. Ha! So, i just have to live with it. As with bulimia, we purge - somtimes alot, and i will just have to deal with the fact that it is an almost certainty that i will purge at least once a day. I need to stop setting stupid expectations that i can get through a day without vomitting by food into a bucket, and get over my proud ashamed self that believes you all tut and are disgusted by my blogs every time i mention the fact i purged. Bulimia is part of my nature and i intend to be honest about it on this blog.
There - i've said my piece! Now onto today's business.
I've set myself a new way of doing things which i am going to use as a sort of safety net rather than a guideline. Today was the first day following it, and i deviated and twisted it a little, but i don't believe it affected it for better or worse. The 'plan' was as follows:
Breakfast - 5 strawberries, 5 blueberries, 2 raspberries, 1 brazil nut = 60kcals
Lunch - 1 broccoli and cauliflower slim a soup - 60kcals
Dinner - choice of various meals including stir fry (with or without quorn), weight watchers soup or covent garden soup (with or without crackers) or 1/4 omlette with salad.
I have felt alot more positive today now i have started back on things. I am hoping that by giving myself breakfast and lunch it will reduce my urge to binge/purge. Although i might have to edit the lunch part for when i'm at work because ii don't think i'm confident enough yet to make my lunch and drink it in front of people. I will plan a small mixed salad for tomorrow lunch and keep it as an optional meal depending on how brave i feel around others.
I felt so disgusting this morning and was more convinced than ever than i had magically expanded into my old trousers. In fact, they weren't really old but i was about to discard them just before i put on the 7lbs. I weigh myself - really didn't want to , but i want to see my progress from day one. Then i cut up my fruit and put it in a tiny pot with the brazil nut. At work, i tentatively sat on the edge of my seat as i ate the food around people. I felt really greedy that i was eating so early and it felt like i was wasting calories that i might need to save for later in case of some sort of food crisis involving an unexpected meal.
Luckily, i finished work at 2pm. I had planned to leave a bit early in order to go to the supermarket and get some stir fry. Of course, this meant that most of the hours leading up to it i was wildly swinging between whether to give in and purchase big tubs of potato salad and boxes of cheesecake, or to simply grab the stir fry and run. This is another difficulty for me as a bulimic, because i have a natural interest and fascination with food. I long to try things and experiment. This is something you are sort of forbidden to do when in the grips of an ED. So, when i got into the shop, i ended up with a sort of mish mash between what i wanted and what i was supposed to be there for. I got olives, raspberries, cherries, low cal soup and stir fry on the good side, and on the bad side i got a small tub of white chocolate ice cream and a bar of caramel chocolate. Eugh - i really am cringing now and am so embarrased to be admitting this to you guys!
I reasoned that the bar was for my box and the ice cream was there as a sort of back up. When i got home, the ice cream had partially melted and i dipped a teaspoon in it and licked off the contents. I quickly shoved it in the freezer before i sucumbed again and poured myself a cuppa soup. I then drank it so fast i scalded my tongue. Predictably, before i knew it i had returned to the kitchen and was lifting the ice cream out of the freezer. It was a hesitant binge and i b/p ed in parts, only having a little before expelling. Bye bye to the soup as well. Both the bar and the ice cream went, along with a cream cheese bagel. So much for being good - i feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Why can i not keep myself pure?
I have a load of exam papers to mark, so i do that while the boiler is being fixed. I wear a top that was in a bag of clothes offered to me by a friend of the family. She is ex-anorexic and beautifully skinny. The hoodie is supposedly my size but i long for the day when i can disappear in it. Its arms are so tight that it pinches my skin and moulds it into sausage-like lumps. Lose weight.... lose weight.... lose weight!
Time passed, my mum returns home and gives me a dissapointed look. She is unhappy with me and angry because she thinks i will become a lazy lump again. I haven't been for my run. She arches an eyebrows as if to say 'you REALLY need a run, fat thing' and asks me if i am going for a jog, i tell her maybe. She heads out later for a jog herself and just sighs as i am still sitting on my bed. When she goes, i decide to go for a run. If i didn't, it would mean more low moods and desperate pinching at my fat belly. I head out as she comes back, and run to the sound of my music - on a playlist called 'thin'.
I feel fantastic when i get back. I ran 4 miles in 47 minutes, but that was including having to stop twice for yappy dogs and slow moving vehicles! I loved the run and feel fantastic. I might try to do 30 minutes tomorrow, but not push myself any further unless i want to. I don't want to hate running. So, i think i have run off anything that stayed stuck to my stomach after the afternoons purging. We will see what the result is tomorrow...
I have to disappear now as i want some sleep, but i will be back tomorrow to tell you the 'result'. Hope you are all well, please let me know email or otherwise. If i don't reply to your emails quick enough, then don't hesitate to send me a nagging email to chase it up.
Sending love to you all - and remember: don't be ashamed of your eating disorder, whatever it is. It doesn't matter whether you starve or overeat, or both, they are equally important.
Poppy xox
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