So...here's the deal: Today's weather has been pouring down. It's like we are back in February again, all the doors are open and the cold wind makes me want to hide away and put a hoodie on again. Everyone's mood is lowered because of the rain, and maybe that's why i'm taking my eating harder today.
I weighed myself this morning, and lo! - i was 1lb lighter! However despite this promising start, i continued to try and sabotage my weight loss for reasons i cannot understand. Moslty because there is no logical reason for it!
Quick facts:
- 1lb lighter
- 2 times purged
- 7.5 hours worked
- weighed myself 9 times today
To start with, i got up and weighed (3 times). Obviously i was thrilled by the weight loss because i didn't want to plateau. Work started early at 10.30 so i didn't have much time to consider food before i started. It was when i was there that suddenly it was around me in abundance. Luckily the croissants looked so dry and hard that i didn't even touch them, i used my will power against the biscuits and fudge too.
Two hours into my shift and it had finally sunk in that there really wasn't much to do and one of us was going to have to go home. I happily enough suggested - in fact i was so keen to get out of there to avoid the food. It was settled and i left 30 minutes later. Unfortunately for that plan, i had discovered some falafels in the fridge when cleaning it out that had doomed eveything. My boss said throw them so i had, of course, saved them in my bag. This called for crusty bread, and soured cream. But i knew it would also automatically mean purging it. I suppose i took that risk.
I made a beeline for the supermarket. I phoned my parents and said i was going there and they said they'd already got some other bread. I still went and bought 2 chocolate bars. I think i do it because of the freedom - you know when you were little and told you couldn't have the jelly or something else? I think i still maintain that mentality - i feel like i have to buy stuff i really want because otherwise i will miss an opportunity and won't be able to again. Literally a kid in a sweetshop - that's how i behave in a supermarket!
After i got home, i ate some bread with the parents, went straight onto a scone lashing it with butter. They went out and i tried to keep a serene smile as i waved them out the drive, really wanting to dash to the toilet. They went, i grab the ice cream, sauce, a bottle of lemonade and head upstairs. The 2 chocolate bars joined the binge then i purged it all. Later i went back downstairs and made 2 pieces of toast covered in butter and b / p ed them. All in all, i didn't stop purging for about 3 hours of my break between work. Some break. I was so tired, whether from the vomitting or work that i dosed for a few minutes before shaking myself awake and getting dressed for work.
Back again. It all starts off easy at first and i stay in the back away from plates of food. Then it gets busy, but i bat away all the food obstacles. It's only at the final hurdle i lost. Second to last table leave a deliciously soft roll, i slide it onto a plate and shovel it down with butter. Guilt seeps its way through my gut too, it sits there heavy. The butter is salted and makes me feel sick. I suppose i deserve it. One of the girls says i look really good, really skinny - what am i doing? Wow! I think, Skinny?? I have never been called skinny EVER and there wouldn't be a million galaxys where i would see myself as skinny right now, but i was so tingly-happy when she said that. I told her that my 'secret' was running at a pace and time i enjoy. It is true that i do, but i tone down the part that i do it all to lose more weight. I start to see a way to making friends through exercise - i wanted to invite her to run with me, and although i joked i meant it. But i couldn't because it wouldn't be fun and it would feel like a lie. It's like a alcoholic taking a friend to the local cafe after they've had too many. It's selfish, not about the friend.
Work ended late. I'm now home and dying for sleep because i'm working from 7.30am tomorrow and it's already 1.30 in the UK! ahhh! I haven't drunk anything yet because i weighed myself when i got in and i'm the same as this morning so hopefully i can get down a bit further.
Bonnie, i have all the time in the world to natter later in the day tomorrow, so i hope you'll humour me when you get an extremely long email from me around sunday evening. It means i can take more time to reply to you and put more thought it rather than you having to put up with my quickly-typed drawls i put on this blog before falling into a sleep coma!
Love and support, comment as always,
Poppy xox
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