My disappearing act

Hi again guys!

How come whenever we even contemplate telling a story of our day, we have to let out a massive sigh first. I swear someone 50 miles away probably felt the breeze when i exhaled! It seems the next day you always hope will be a simple story to tell, winds its way into a rather more complex tale. You eating disorder fills the tiniest gaps in your life, determined to permeate right through into your functioning.

Quick facts:

Stayed same weight

ran 4 miles

purged once

brushed teeth 3 times today

One thing can make all the difference, and with an anorexic/bulimic, the scales become God. They dictate your mood for the rest of the day. Today i would feel....wait for the scales to stop spinning....slower....closer....it's flashing!.... AWFUL! I WILL feel awful.

Truth is i actually stayed the same, but this wasn't good enough. You see, i'm trying to push myself down to 140lbs for 1st June. This would mean that in total i would have lost 1st 5lbs (19lbs) in a month. I am cutting it so fine, but i really want to get there. So staying the same for a day made me mad and anxious. I weighed myself again....and again. In total i stepped on and of the scales about 5 times before i left the house.

Today i wore my new trousers. They were looser than i remember. Mum said i looked good, but i chose to simply nod. Many people say anorexia, or bulimarexia is a vying for attention - it's asking people to look at you. But i think i want people to look away. Whenever anyone comments on my weight, i hate it. It's like spoiling the surprise before i have got to the final end, like giving away the secret of the trick before the Act's finale. I do nod and say 'yes...i love running....no, i eat properly', but i wish people would not mention it and not notice. It makes me shudder.

Almost every day this week i have had someone else comment on my weight. It was another work college today. She said had i lost loads of weight because i look good. I did the 'really?' incredulous look before saying that i had been exercising more. Despite the fact this was probably meant to flatter, i flipped the comment over. I kept thinking that if she has to ask me if i;ve lost weight, then i must look similar to when i was +4st. I CAN'T be thin enough if people can't tell and if i look anything like me fat self. The blueberries i carefully packed stay untouched.

I finish early today, but despite that i still continue to lose my concentration. In the class i had, my mind drifted back to thoughts of crusty bread, ice cream and fudge sauce, hot buttered toast, chips, burgers with bubbling cheese and lashings of mayonaise. In the end i had to take a break out of the class in the toilets. I drew all the foods that flew around my head demending attention, and drew a box around them. This seemed to help, if only temporarily.

After i finished at 12, my mind was futiley trying to fight off bulimia's answer to rabies - the pre-purge. In the supermarket, i reined myself in and only chose a few things that i knew i could refuse and would 'last' if i changed my mind. Foods that DON'T fit into this include cake and ice cream, but foods that do include chocolate and frozen items such as chips. I bought blueberries (mostly to make the basket look more righteous), quorn burgers, rolls and fudge sauce. I daren't get anymore because you know the whole shop is looking and judging you!

I also pop into town and sort out a compact bulimic bag which i suggest any chronic bulimic gets. Just get a small vanity bag then pop in a small toothbrush, small toothpaste, travel bottle of mouthwash, toothpicks and wipes. Of course, if you purge, you use mouthwash ONLY - this is not a false fact. Medical ED professionals advise that you only use mouthwash because brushing rubs in the acid. Wipes are to freshen up, also i am going to get into a routine to brush my teeth more often to prevent even more staining.

When at home, i binged / purged as predicted. I cooked both burgers, slapped them between cheese, lettuce, mayo and buns and chomped down. I follwed it up by a massive bowl of ice cream with 1/2 container of fudge sauce. Then i rid myself of it. It took me a while and during this process i am constantly weighing myself. If i get down to the weight i was before i purged then i am ok to go and exercise or do nothing etc. But if i am above that level, i must keep purging, and if desperate, take laxitives. I was over for longer than i wanted and it was a tight call. As soon as i hit the mark, i went for a run. It was exhausting again and my stamina was far less. I think it was the fact i had eaten that meant i did not run 6 miles. Instead, i did 4 miles, and reasoned that i could make a few miles up with all the running and carrying i would be doing at my evening job at 6pm.

Time for the weekend job. Yes! - i'm a waitress, how ironic! As Rachael Oakes-Ash mentioned in her book, 'good girls do swallow', those with eating disorders seem to be drawn to food industries like magnets. What can i say? - There is a fascination and also an inherant danger about being so close to food. It's bizzare. Anyways, i have just been running up and down, round and round, lifting trays, butter dishes, jugs of water, putting down plates, flicking out napkins, tucking in cloths. In other words - it's been busy. More of the same tomorrow - lunch and dinner shifts! I moved on a glass of water - careful to sip it slowly so that i don't put on water weight for the weigh in tomorrow morning. The croissants called - i threw them away; The dinner was served and there was only a meat option - i thanked my stars; The fudge was left in finger-pinching reach - i ignored it, carried some more plates. What can i say? Today was just lucky, tomorrow might be a totally different story.

Right, this is the bit that i've been looking forward to since i started today's blog - saying hi again to bonnie! I was so convinced that no one would comment on yesterday's blog then there was your message when i got back - it really cheered me!

As for living without the 'rents, it's not really feasable at the moment. You see, i'm saving money to take more courses,etc and i want to return to university so i can do the course i want and actually begin towards a career i want to do. However, i could potentially mean living with them for years. Trust me - i am continuously missing my old uni haunt and wish i could be there. It feels like such a free place when i think of it now. But we must remember that the last time i wrote my blog i was away from myfamily, and i was just as disordered as now. I don't know it that answers anything or just confuses more?!

Don't worry about eating crappy food. One day isn't bad - it generally picks your metabolism back off again and works well if you have plateued. I must admit to finding purging a huge comfort - but remember you will have lovely teeth later in life unlike those who do purge. It is a rather foul habit and fiddly to get right. And yeah, the picture i used yesterday wasn't 'pleasant'. I like to question and challenge people with their perceptions. Some of these pictures do it well. I feel like doing that with all my fat though, don't you?

I'm skidaddling off to bed now because i have a relatively early start. Please pray or cross fingers, toes and other extremities for a better outcome tomorrow on the scales.

Poppy xox