bulimia may give you a husky voice, but sore throats are just no fun

Ugh - i really feel like i'm going to have to type this blog out in monosyllabic grunts then come back and translate it later. Keywords of today: tired,sore, grumble, yes, no, fuck off, sleep...
I may have to make this a short blog today as i'm about to fall asleep and wake up 6 hours later with keyboard marks on my face, and the daunting prospect of driving for the first time with my mother in the am.

So let's just crack on now

1/2 lb lost
1 hour spinning
2 times purged

I woke up this morning and stared in the mirror. I was horrified - my teeth were the same colour as humbugs! I suppose i should have seen it coming and have no one else to blame but myself. It should convince me to give up my bad purging and purely restrict, instead i have made plans to get a mouth kit up together for work, so i can compulsively brush my teeth more often. Well - why not add OCD to the list?!

It was a late start today which meant a morning awake, alone in the house, trying to deny my morning munchies. I curbed my crawling hands by rearranging the fridge - bottom section all meats, raw and cooked, dairy; middle section is my section - pasta i don't eat but pretend to, 1/2 a tin of soup, vegetable leftovers, omlette, tomatoes, bluberries and diet fizz; top section condiments.

After debating over a buttered roll for an hour and a half, that i already knew i couldn't have, i quickly shoved on some clothes and ran for the bus. There was a girl from school on there who used to bully me. After my innocent surprise, the eating disorder creeps in and i notice her hips might actually be a bit bigger than mine, her bum more bulbous. Not enough though - i have to seperate myself further from the pack. I want to be a different Poppy.

The classes are a load of nothing and i find my mind almost eating at itself for something to do. God - save me from mundanity of meaningless jobs! Lunch at 2pm soon comes and i am faced with the classic cafe showdown. It is always the same so i don't have to worry - unless mum suggests i have my food with her. Before we leave, she suggests maybe we go into the town, or a different cafe. I freak a bit - i had spent the morning going over various options and tactics and now the game changes! We eventually go to the same place. I buy food that i plan to later throw and keep it in my bag while mum eats through a slice of cake. I sip a coke zero.

On returning, i find i'm not needed for the next 2 hours. I can't take it and sneak out to hide in the toilets, then eat and purge breadsticks, homous and a chocolate bar. I know - not exactly the sort of stuff you imagine binging on but it was my decoy lunch and the rest of my lunch follwed suit as i purged the chocolate bar. Who's complaining? I got it all out right? I get dizzy and sit back down for a second. There is such an amazing drug-like high from purging - i must admit, i LOVE it. For one glorious second, you feel bliss then it blows away as quick as it arrived.

By the end of the day, i felt exhausted for no apparent reason given most of it i'd spent on my arse or over a toilet. The cleaner caught me again in a different set of toilets, luckily i was quick off the mark to get out. I get home and convince my mother that she wants nothing better than i nice fish finger sandwich for dinner - no, that's what I wanted! I just kept talking about it so much that i converted her to the idea too. I drove us to the supermarket and sneaked another chocolate bar into the basket.

Quick change then off to a spinning class for 1 hour. I work hard - making sure my legs are either going like pistons or wading through sand. I sit next to the glass window so i can see my reflection. Everytime i look i see fat - rolls of it lying on my stomach. I need to work harder and feel guilty that i didn't break out into an all-over plum-coloured sweat in the first 10 minutes. That means i must be lazy, i tell myself.

Mum and stepdad have tea, i divert by having a shower but join them for 10 blueberries. And 1 toffee - this is where it went to the crappers again. That one toffee had me swiftly heading back to my room to eat the other chocolate bar and 2 pieces of cake. Purge again, this time it takes longer. damn - i never learn with cake, its like my ultimate nemesis. Either too stodgy or too broken up with water. eat, purge, drink, flush, eat, drink, flush, drink, flush, eat, purge, drink, flush. This process can take over an hour.

Now everything relevant and unconnected with the soft downy warmth of my bed has been lost. I'm afraid i will leave youwith nothing more than a 'good night' and a hopeful promise that tomorrow (apres a late restaurant shift) i will produce a better blog than this!

Poppy xox