I'm feeling a bit barmy tonight. I have been quelling the need to binge for the last few hours by watching slimming programmes on my computer. I must admit i do get twinges of nostalgia everytime i feel the hunger pangs return. But for the last few minutes i have been smelling imaginary custard! Everyone in this house is in bed, and yet i'm smelling warm gloopy sweet custard! What madness is this?
To make things worse, whenever i feel like binging, i always google all my favourite foods and now i have a stash of them on my computer. It was at this time that they reappeared from their hidden file in the dusty corner of my hard drive. I try not to visit it too often, even though i have a running gallery of that file on my desktop! (Don't ask!)
Anyways, today's treat on show is marzipan. For some unfathomable reason, i have become a raving marzi-fan over the last few days! Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff, but suddenly i'm looking on sites and at recipies. Alas, this would be the best way to break into my tale of what has been going on in my life today... *fade out back to 9.30am today*
I woke up surprisingly early, given the fact i didn't get to sleep until 3.30am. This was largely because i was re-designing and re-blogging my new blog page, but more about that later on. When i woke up, i wobbled out of bed and fetched the scales. The weigh in this morning was disappointing despite the fact i weighed under 9st. It was disappointing because i had been hoping to push through the barrier and get back to the 124lb mark.
I got frustrated because i had been, relatively, good yesterday and hadn't purged my soup (at my mother's request). So to see that my body had not rewarded me for this, made me think : 'Well, fuck you then!'. So i decided the best way to get a bit lower and flush calories and water, etc, was to b/p. I had intended not to do it but i wanted to get to that low point.
It was already later in the day, as i stayed around in my room and finished the blog at around 11.30am. So, breakfast (cum lunch) was less 'fast' more 'break' as i broke any grains of will power i had built up since the tea last night. I binged / purged on any chocolate bars i had in my secret box, the ice creams in the fridge, bowl of pretzels and a large cheese sandwich. I went on the make homemade cheese scones, of which i ate 2 with lots of butter. I became pananoid that i wouldn't be able to get it all out, and spent a while purging as much as i could.
It's surprising how many habits slip under yo nose without you noticing, and before you see it coming, it feels like it's been there forever. Today when i was purging, every time food came up i would try to judge what it was and how much it was. I would keep a tally of how much of each food had been got rid of and what was still to come. It keeps me safe. I should have realised this habit from years ago when i measured out my vomit in the ice cream tub, from which i had just eaten the ice cream.
So after all the back and forth, measuring, bending, cleaning, weighing, i watched a dvd. Before i knew it time had moved on and it was 3pm. I became anxious to get into town to replace the ice creams i had purged. My sister was supposed to be home around 4.30 and the parents around 5, so i had to hurry. I walked quickly in, feeling a little weak today.
Firstly, i checked out my bank balance which was woefully overdrawn due to all my binge food buying. Then i visited the pharmacy to pick up some more caffiene pills and laxitives. I find i get really nervous now if i don't have some laxitives to hand, even if i'm not going to use them. The last thing i want to find is that i've had a big binge, haven't managed to get back to the original weight and have no laxitives! I would feel really panicky then...
I then go to the supermarket and try to stay as controlled as possible amongst the aisles and aisles of food. In the end i keep my cool and end up getting the following: 2 packs of ice creams to replace those purged, 6 pack of no sugar soft drink, a low fat soup to save me getting anxious about tea, milk because i used a bit when cooking the scones.
On the way home, i realise my sister might already be there, and actually pray to any god that might be listening to make her stay at work until i put the ice creams away. Well, it seems as though the gods must be watching a game or something because her car was parked outside the house when i got home. She saw the ice creams, and when she got one out, she wanted to know where the others were. I had tried to hide them in my section (because i had bought a few surplus and was trying to keep it for another binge). I have now stashed them inside old vegetarian boxes which no one will look in. How desperate am i?
She said she hadn't eaten all day while digging into a rice yoghurt. I get concerned. What a hypocrite i am! She asks me to make her a cheese sandwich, because no one does them like me. Of course no one makes a sandwich like a bulimic-anorexic foodie because we vitually salivate and make love to each ingredient as we make the meal!
Mum comes home and i hide in my room again, popping briefly down for heloos. I felt safe in my plans for the evening. I knew that mum and my sister were going exercising in the evening so while they were out, i could feign a meal and miss out on any weight that might creep it's way up from this morning. There was slight spanner in the works when my mum said my stepdad would be home sometime after they'd left, but that just meant i'd have to be quick.
When they went, i sprinkled a few wet pieces of pasta in the sink, left bits of cheese on the side, hid other parts of food and moved plates around to make it look like i had eaten and cleaned up after myself. I did it just in time, as my stepdad arrived just as i was leaving the kitchen. I stayed in my bedroom the rest of the evening, and luckily the smell of dinner did not waft up here tonight. Sometimes it's awful....
By the way, i'm just going to add in a slightly resentful note here. You may notice i am hardly talking about me exercising, it's all about others going out and doing it. This is largely because my mum moans and/or scowls at me for doing it. I have been vitually under a veto rule for exercise for the last couple of weeks and it's bugging me. I'm not underweight, and i quite fancy a quick trip to the gym as i have the time. I will make me feel revitalised and better. In fact, i'm probably feeling lethargic because of the fact i'm NOT doing any! However, most people at the leisure centre know my mum and would tell her if i went. That's why i won't be able to do spinning again for a while. It sucks! I think i'm just going to have to ignore them and go to the gym, because i hate not doing anything, i feel shit and unhappy and i want to exercise!
Ranting over! Gawd - a confessional and a rant in one day, i bet your wishing this blog would wrap up and shut up right now! Well, you almost have your wish.
Just to finish up with the food diary for the day. Please forgive the lack of calories next to the foods, when i binge i don't tend to look at the content of anything given that it's usually already in the cake hole before the wrappers hit the bottom of the bin:
FOOD DIARY:
BRUNCH BINGE/PURGE:
3 Reese's Cups
Caramac
1 Magnum Gold
2 Magnum Almond
1 Ritter Sport Marzipan
1 424g block of Marzipan
5 strawberries
1 bowl of pretzels
1 extra thick cheese sandwich
...with lettuce
LUNCH:
Nothing
TEA:
Nothing
SNACKS:
Nothing
Drinks:
2pt of squash
1 can of diet coke
TOTALS: Unknown.
So that's the embarassing truth of it all. I have had a headache since the purge which i presume is because of not enough liquids. I had a can of coke when i got home, but i'm not going to drink anymore until tomorrow morning's weigh in.
Tomorrow is the dreaded day for the doctor's appointment at 7.40am. This probably means that if they run my stats they'll be low. They are always low in the morning. Both my parents have the day off and so they are going to drive me up there. I gave mum a look an she said they'd wait in the car, even though i said i'd walk back. I think they think i'm going to do a runner. In fact, i was until they volunteered to excort me there. I think i'm just going to tell the doctor that i'm not sure what to say as i am here on the recommendation of other people. I will give counselling or whatever a shot, can i go now...?
As long as she doesn't ask questions like 'When was your last period?' which gives away way too much on my part___(5.5 months), or 'How often, on average, do you purge?'____(about 4 times a day at the moment, but i purge virtually everything i eat). Oh - and the dreaded weight test, NO WEIGHING PLEEEASE! Damn, i'm squirming already!
To Bonnie: I'm glad to hear you're doing ok with food, it's always a continual balancing act literally and metaphorically, isn't it?I guess i'd feel the same as you if the positions were switched. But, in regards to my parents recent proactive behaviour, i can't regard it with anything much other than annoyance, and sometimes anger. I can see that they are getting concerned but i feel so manhandled and...in short, NOT IN CONTROL!Those are always the key words with eating disorders aren't they?What happens happens. I'll update you tomorrow evening on how the dreaded event went. xx
Please send me a whole lotta love everyone because i'm actually scared / angry / unsure,
XxPoppyxX
PS. A New Blog is COMING SOON! In a few more days, get ready to switch over to a better brighter blog with my entire backlog of blogs, even from the beautyisbones site! It took me hours, so hopefully you'll like it :)
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