I was so set out with good intentions to come on here early this evening and go to bed before 10pm. But, alas, instead i will survive the morning shift at the restaurant with itchy eyes.
Today's cameo in my food fascinations (that i seem unable to control), is the cupcake. I don't think all this free time is doing me much good - too much time on the web. With google popping up every few seconds, it only takes a few taps to access hundreds of pictures of your most forbidden and lusted after foods. I decided to spare you an actual picture of a cupcake as sometimes the pictures trigger. I know they do me.
This afternoon has been awash with image after image of cupcakes and recipies. I even got it into my head to start cataloging the flavours, and coming up with my own! I suddenly got it into my head that if i had the money i would be good at cupcakes and do unusual flavours. I craved them so badly, and drooled over the buttercream, sprinkles, cookies and sponge. Oh dear, i'd better not star thinking about it now!
When thinking about today in terms of food, it has been no more or less bulimic than yesterday. In my eyes, every day i eat is bad. I looked back on all my old blogs, and can't believe that i was actually more controlled then, with my model low calorie intake, than i am now. And yet, here i am lower in weight than i was then. I miss that control and conviction and i wish i could get back on the straight and narrow and get it back. Somehow it feels a far way off...
Here we go_____
I woke up at 6am, and, rather than returning to sleep, quickly snuck to the bathroom to weigh myself before everyone got up. In the haze of the pre-alart stages, i was less than extatic but not depressed at the numbers. I officially weighed the 124lbs i had wanted to return to. I snuck back to bed and dosed off. 7am arrived and I lolled across my bed for 10 minutes before having to succumb to the fact that i acutally had to get up. I took my pulse, which was at a lowly 43bpm and gritted my teeth, hoping the doctor didn't see fit to check it herself. I got in the shower and ran my hands across my belly and over my hip bones. I have a new found love for them, but my belly is still huge. No matter how much i look at my thighs, they look no different than when i was 200lbs. They really look the same to me.
I pulled on my jeans, a couple of vest tops and a hoodie before leaving. I hated the journey up to the surgery, even though it was only 5 minutes. I felt so uncomfortable and agitated, i just wanted to get out of the car. Mum asked if both her and my stepdad could come in and actually see the doctor with me. I made a face and she said, well can we come into the waiting room, or do you want us to wait in the car? Clearly, if she had had her way, she would have come to see the doctor and would have said things too. I scrunched up my face and said sure, she could sit in the waiting room, whatever.
When we got there, i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and marched ahead. I felt like i was being escorted and it made me waspish. We sat down in the absolutely empty waiting area and i didn't even try to make conversation with my mum. Luckily she didn't either. My doctor is someone who my family have know, albeit not closely, for years. That is the problem with a small town, everyone knows everyone. I like her as a doctor though, and don't let this impinge on anything that i might have to talk to her about in a doctor/patient manner.
After (quite a bit) of stammering and unfinished sentances, i told her that i was there under the suggestion of others and that, although i'm aware i have an eating disorder, i was not sure i wanted to be there. She asked me general questions about mood and if i was binging and purging. She knew that i already had a diagnosis, and that i knew what i was talking about so there was no need to delve deeper at that time.
Then she asked me if i was angry at my parents for bringing me. I couldn't help but feel she'd hit the nail on the head. I said that, although i understand where they are coming from, i am angry. She said they only cared and were worried for me. I think she was told stuff by my mum the other day, when she went to the surgery - that's how she knew. Luckily, she didn't do many checks although, as predicted, she did ask to do my weight and height to check bmi. I could have told her that without the need to do scales again (and probably more accurately given i was weighted with my clothes on). I had to shut my eyes when she weighed me because, although i wanted to look to see what she would have seen, i knew that i was lighter than that and i felt fat. I felt like saying 'hey! i know that what scale is telling makes it seem like i'm fat, but i'm really lighter. see - i'll take all this off and show you'. As if a few lbs are suddenly going to make me look so much slimmer to her.
Anyway, she said she'd refer me to the specialist eating disorder intervention team. I have been with two counties intervention teams, and so i know my way up the ladder of referal now. I will have to meet with a CPN and a probably a social worker to have an assessment, then it's usually followed by 6 weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy (in short, couselling except you are supposed to be proactive about it). Hopefully they will take their time about contacting me and give me a few extra weeks, then i can lost a bit more. Even though the doctor hadn't said how long it would take for contact to be made, i told my mum it may take a few weeks. She was disappointed.
When we got home, she told me that in the meantime i should make changes towards a healthier lifestyle. I ignored her, shrugged and did whatever else i could do to squirm out of the situation. It was only 8am by the time we got back and i was already hungry. I think my body was preparing for a lunch binge/purge, as it hasn't been used to earlier starts. I hate getting up early because your body gets hungry earlier. My parents decided to go food shopping and asked me to go with them. So i said i would and i decided to take a yoghurt to eat in the car with me. When they asked why i didn't eat it in the few minutes before we left, i said it was because i didn't want to rush it. This was true - i didn't want to bolt it down, at least with the car hourney, i knew i had at least 20-25 minutes of time. I timed myself, carefully licking the spoon and made sure i took no less than 10 minutes to eat the yoghurt.
At the supermarket, i found it impossible to slip away from my parents and get any binge food. It's not that i had an exact binge planned, but i like to have food there as a backup otherwise i get nervous. I got way too enthusiastic over too many things in the supermarket. There are more things, which when i point them out, my parents say 'have it' than before. It's probably a worry thing, i know. Everytime i tried to find an excuse to look at the vegetarian food, or go and pay for items that i argued were definitely mine to pay for, they found reasons and wiped the arguments away. I managed to get some jelly beans though and some yoghurts. There were some other bits too but they aren't important now.
On the way home, they produced a couple of large chocolate bars they had bought and kept offering me pieces. I gave in and ate 4!! After the first, you can reason off with restricting, but after 4 i knew i'd have to purge if i could hold them in my stomach.
Once we were back at home with the shopping packed away, my parents said they were going to go for a run. Relief! My moment was here - i would be free to eat and purge! As soon as they left, i was at the freezer, dragging out those 3 ice creams i had stashed away yesterday. Then a scone followed and pretzels and a rice pudding and falafels. I don't think there was anything else - it's a bit of a haze so i can't quite remember. I purged it all.
By the time they got back i was ready for round two as i knew they wouldn't let me get away without having lunch. Lunch was buffet of cheese, bread, pickles, crisps and tortilla followed by another yoghurt. I ate like a pig and had loads. Some fate must have been on my side, because afterwards they both had to go out for 10 minutes leaving me alone in the house. Cue cake slice, marzipan and purge #2.
When they returned, i was doing to house cleaning then snuck off to my room for the afternoon to drool over cupcakes! By the time tea came around, i guess i was in blinkered bulimia vision and just 'enjoying' (i use this in want of a better word for the 'binge high' you get before binges) the ride. I was hungry, but didn't want to wait for the rest of the family to sit down an eat. Largely because i knew the parents would proabaly keep talking to me and try to find a reason to keep me downstairs. If i was going to have tea, i would HAVE to be able to purge afterwards. I told my family i wanted to eat now, and then mooched around the kitchen until my mum had to nip out to pick up some milk or someting from the shops.
As soon as she had closed the door, i put the pasta in to boil. By the time she was back, i had stuffed (and i mean stuffed) down the pasta, 2 hunks of bread and salad. As soon as the rest of the family came into the kitchen and i had washed up, i made a swift exit out and up to my bedroom to do purge #3.
I haven't left my room since then, other than to say night and do bathroon stuff. I know it't rough and disgusting and out of control. I'm hoping i can get back in control of it though and be stricter with myself, but i won't hold my breath...unless i want to look like a smurf.
So, here's a sort-of breakdown for you:
FOOD DIARY:
BREAKFAST:
1 low fat rhubarb yoghurt 98kcal
PURGE#1:
4 Pieces of Lindt Chocolate
1 Magnum Almond
2 Magum Gold
1 Homemade Cheese Scone
1 Bowl of Pretzels
3 Falafel Pieces
LUNCH / PURGE #2:
4 Hunks of Crusty Loaf w. Butter
Cheese Slices
Pickle, Mayonnaise
Handful of Pretzels
5 Olives
1 low fat orange yoghurt
1/8 Tortilla
1 Lemon Cake Slice
1/4 Block Marzipan
TEA / PURGE #3:
1/2 Pack of Asparagus Tortellioni
2 Hunks of Bread with Butter S
alad with Tomatoes and Olives
Y.U.C.K.
In all truth, i think just having breakfast sets me off. If i don't give in early in the day, then i'm more likely to settle into my stride and have a better day. However, if i eat early on, i get a 'fuck it' approach to eating then and think that if i'm going to eat, i might as well do it large and then purge later.
Must go now, as i have only 4 hours of sleep before i need to be up for work to serve greasy bacon to those who don't care where it sits on their thighs (lucky!),
x Poppy x
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