Mind over Matter, or the Mind Matters, or Matters effect Minds?... Or i'm just talking s**t!

All's quiet on the blog front at the moment then? I'm guessing you are all away trying to deal with things - i hope things haven't been too rough for any of you this weekend gone?

Eating Disorders often have ways of peaking and dipping, not to say, though, that any day goes away stress free.

My day has been relatively straight forward. Although it's not been a 'clean sweep' (day of no food), it has not been a HUGE binge day or a day where i have ate normally.

Quick Bites:

Weight lost/gained: lost 2lb

Binged/Purged: once

Exercise: run, 5 miles in 55 minutes

I awoke to the insistent beeping of my alarm clock, which, after a moments confusion, i remembered i had incovieniently placed across the room. I pulled myself out of bed and made for the bathroom, keeping with my pessimictic train of though: I've probably put on weight. But the scales argued different, even on the fifth try. I had lost 2lb! yippee! Only 1lb to go until i am back to the pre-bad weekend weight, then it's all go on trying to get as far away from that weight as possible.

I dithered about what to do first: run or go and replace food? I decided to replace the food i had binged on first, given that the supermarket could run out of some of it if i went to late. I was lucky, as they had almost run out of the ice cream i needed to replace. I got raspberries, blueberries and nectarines for my fruit box, 2 no fat yoghurts to try, 2 food magazines which actually turned out to have really good recipies in them, a bag of chocolate mice, hersheys cookies and cream bar, ice cream that needed replacing, and a bottle of diet coke. I was tempted by the ice cream because there's a new one with really inventive flavours like blackberry and pink grapefruit. But i didn't get them because i wouldn't want to purge them. I'd be trying them as a foodie, not a bulimic (if that makes any sense to anyone!).

I walked back home and found out that my driving lesson had been cancelled. Now i was left with the house alone and a bag full of shopping. I put it away but leave out one yoghurt and mix it with a small portion of fruit, dutifully counted for calories. I really enjoyed it, slowly licking the spoon clean. I put on a film, and an hour in i had already binged/purged on the hershey bar, one of the ice creams, the bag of chocolate mice and a portion of stuffed pasta. I managed to get most of it out and quickly went upstairs to weigh myself. I had lost, but couldn't trust my weight until tomorrow morning. So, dinner was now out of the equation and running was now necessary.

I tidy my room and mark some papers. It's a slow business! Everything is clean and presentable when my mum gets home - no signs of any purging anywhere. Both my parents get ready for exercise at the local centre and try to quiz me on my career...again! Bare in mind, they have bene doing this most days for weeks now. If i'm not moving forward enough for them, it's not good enough. They say the job i want to do isn't feasable to train for at the moment, and try to force me to consider another job - the one THEY have wanted me to do for years. Trying to put me in the hole they think i'll fit. Forcing me in, but i'm not willing to go in. I just hide my face in my hands and i feel upset. They drop it eventually.

When they leave, i get changed and go for a run. It's a good run and i manage 5 miles in under an hour. The music is really helping and i'm developing a running playlist. I check out the calories i burned - it should be enough to cover any excess calories i didn't purge in the afternoon. I get in, have a shower. I sneak a diet coke up to my room (i have been told off for having it after running because 'it's not good'. In truth i know, but who cares? Plus, i'm 22 for christ's sake! Get off my back!) I skip dinner as it will just be tempting fate to have anything else.

Now i've finished marking more papers, and need to get some sleep before driving tomorrow. Last time i drove to work in the am, i was not with it so i need more zzz's now!

Please feel free to leave comments, wishes, hopes and smiley faces below!

Love Poppy xox