My Low Anthem sounds like a constant gag...feelin sad

Hiya Guys!

Sorry it's been a few days since i've updated. I did solemnly swear to write another blog on Wednesday, when i returned from my trip and i didn't. So for that i apologise - this is the reason:

You know when you get on the scales and it gives you a number that makes you go, 'no. no way - that cannot be possible'. Well, it was one of those. I gained more weight in two days than i had imagined or mentally planned for. This is still throwing me now and i feel like a large blob of putty.

I sort of went spinning off like a dervish when i found out my weight gain. Literally, for the past two days since i returned from my friends, i have been eating and throwing up vitually non-stop. I will eat lunch in the morning, followed by a tea time snack and more loaded foods. I have just not been stopping. All my kitchen cupboards have been raided to the point when i am eating through 'normal' food rather than binge food because i haven't prepared any. It is very rare that i end up resorting to the kitchen food.

TO make things worse, after the first day of binging i put on more!! I was mortified and need a fresh start tomorrow in order to shift these extra lbs asap. I will not divulge how many given that i am truly horrified at the amount, although feel free to guess how many lbs i put on in the comments section below.

When i was visiting my friend, it was like a switch flipped and i ate everything. I doesn't help that she eats like a hobbit - lots and all the time! By tea time the first day i actually felt physically sick. I detest being sick in other's houses and we always ate together which made it virtually impossible to purge. But i still ate - the binge eater in me had not died. I felt like the little chubby child again home from school, pigging out on biscuits. We went through bagels with cream cheese, chocolate bars, pb & j on toast, krispy kremes, crisps and dip, pasta with sauce ... and not forgetting a large extra cheese pizza.

It's hard for me to admit because i completely wonder what i was thinking, but i think i removed myself from my fat body, as though i had left it at home with me and would go back and deal later. Well - i dealt - HARD! It was totally my own fault and now the mountain has got even steeper to climb until my next goal.

My mum has got bad again about nagging me and making me feel bad. In her defence, she doesn't realise she does it, and i think it's insecure displacement. You know? - she feels bad so passes it on to someone else. She keeps saying that i shouldn't be eating stuff and that we will all have to get back to eating better ('healthily') now. She also keeps bugging me about my exercise. Thing is all this time she likes me doing it because i am less of a beast than i was, eventually getting down to an 'acceptable' size and more like the daughter she probably wants me to be, but when it doesn't suit her she'll probably change her mind.

I can't believe how much i have eaten and purged today - it is getting so addictive like a drug. I am going to have to try and control myself tomorrow before it gets out of hand. If i were to lay today's food out in all honesty to you, it would sound like this:

1/2 baguette of falafel, lettuce, olives and soured cream (at 9am), 1/2 pack of vegetable crisps, 1/2 box flake moments (10am), 2 vieneisse biscuits, 1 almond ice cream (2pm), falafel wrap with homous (4pm), a jam sandwich, 1 smoothie ice cream, 5 pieces of fudge (8pm).

All of this i purged at some point. To what extent, i will find out tomorrow.

So, my days are becoming a horrible continuation of b/p ing, and i need to get back to work to get some stability and control. Hopefully the beginning of which is tomorrow.

It is so amazing to hear from so many of you guys again. You have no idea how happy it makes me to receive your blogs, particularly when i am feeling so low at the moment. They keep me going, and stop me from festering in my own lonliness. I will reply very soon, maybe give me a day or two as i am currently rushed off my feet with work.

Must go,

Poppy

Misleading Report - I AM NOT A PRO ANA SITE/BLOG

This isn't a blog entry, but i am so angry that i had to write here and explain why.

Earlier yesterday, i was surfing the internet to see any sites or links to my ED site. I do this to see how far it's spread and what is being said on the grapevine, etc. When doing this i came across a blog called 'Teaching High School Psychology', which had a potentially enlightening article on pro ana sites.

However, when i went to read it i realised they had labelled my site and blog as 'ones that promote being thin as a lifestyle'. They call the site 'disturbing' whose 'views are of those who are not pro-recovery'.

I am truly disgusted. Is it me or have they just skim read, not just my blog, but the entire pro ana paraphenalia of sites and blogs?

Pro ana is, and i use a dictionary definition, 'the promotion of anorexia nervosa as a lifestyle choice rather than an eating disorder'. As is plain by my blog, i am acutely aware that i have an eating disorder and that one day i hope i'll be strong enough to give it up. However, i am also relistic and not selfish enough to waste the NHS time by sitting in therapy when i don't believe i want it yet. In both my blog and my site, i repeat many times that eating disorders are not fun fairground rides that you simply jump on, have one go and jump off again. They are serious, deadly and unhappy things to find yourself burdened with. Obviously whoever researched the 'pro ana' on my site conviniently missed out the 'disclaimer' page which goes over all this.

The blog continues by saying the following:

'To me, this quote sums up this site: "I'm now back at univeristy until the end of June. The doctor has pushed me into seeing a CPN again, and so i might have to see one again. I'm not going to stop though - I know as much as it might be better for me, i don't want to recover yet".

That isn't pro ana summed up in a quote - that's an EATING DISORDER full stop. Just because i said that i wasn't ready for recovery, doens't make me automatically 'pro ana', it makes me a confused human with mental health issues. My blogs are an expression of my own feelings and actions as a diagnosed bulimic in today's society. I can understand that it may seem triggering, but i never encourage others to follow my example. It's just that in leiu of a service that allows me to unburden myself without fear of being refered to the doctors (again), i vent my feelings online. This has been received well by many fellow sufferers who have found these blogs to be a comfort, as they can relate to certain fellings and practices, etc. Therefore i will keep it going, not just for myself, but for them as well.

Lastly, many of the people that read these blogs and with whom i email know that i always encourage recovery. I suggest it as an option usually when i first talk to people, and if they consider it or take up recovery later on, i will fully support and encourage them. I think it is a wonderful thing and i have enormous respect for anyone who is even attempting recovery right now. They will be happier and healthier for it. If anyone wants to leave a message below to back me up on this, in case the psychology bloggers read this, please do - it would really help.

So, to whoever wrote that blog, please get your facts straight before you write an article on 'pro ana' again.

Poppy

Parting is such sweet sorrow, / That i shall say goodnight till it be 'morrow

This is going to be a very short and sweet blog today. I'm sure it's getting as boring as chewing on old shoes hearing me say how tired i am - but i relly am looking haggard and i have to face a trip to London tomorrow on my own for the first time!

Here's my day in bullet point news-flash fashion:

- weight stayed same

- went to work, didn't have anything to eat. I think this was more likely due to the fact the croissants had all gone and the bread didn't look appetising after we found a mouldy loaf! Lots of running about.

- Got home early as not needed for lunch shift. Ate 20 blueberries, then had a falafel sub, 1 fruit scone and an almond ice cream. Predictably purged them up...or what i could. Decided that i would take mum up on her offer of a run as then i could get rid of rest of it.

- run with mum 5 3/4 miles in 1hour 10. Painful and long, but feel totally good about it now. Need tomorrow's weigh in to be substantially lower.

- Note - i only purged once! I think that's pretty good going for me!

- No dinner as i fell asleep by accident on my bed. As i said before, me=tired.

Right, told you it was brief. I am off to see a friend for a few days bu will be back Wednesday. In truth, i am excited to be seeing her and enjoying a few days of freedom. On the other, i'm absoloutely petrified because i am so close to my goal and am going to be away from my scales and measuring tape for 2 whole days. This completely freaks me out and i know i'm going to end up putting on weight. I can't even exercise while i'm there. :(

So wish me luck, I will let you know all about it when i get back.
By the way, my mum seems to have no clue that i weigh myself every day. She asked if i wasn't curious about how much weight i'd lost, i just shrugged it off. She estimated 1st 7 (21lbs) - i know! waaaaay off! It makes me feel like i have a lot more to lose if i am going to make a big difference.

Ok. Nightie night, and tuning out of the blog for a couple of days.

Poppy xox

Why am i tempting fate and trying to rain on my own parade?

So...here's the deal: Today's weather has been pouring down. It's like we are back in February again, all the doors are open and the cold wind makes me want to hide away and put a hoodie on again. Everyone's mood is lowered because of the rain, and maybe that's why i'm taking my eating harder today.

I weighed myself this morning, and lo! - i was 1lb lighter! However despite this promising start, i continued to try and sabotage my weight loss for reasons i cannot understand. Moslty because there is no logical reason for it!

Quick facts:

- 1lb lighter

- 2 times purged

- 7.5 hours worked

- weighed myself 9 times today

To start with, i got up and weighed (3 times). Obviously i was thrilled by the weight loss because i didn't want to plateau. Work started early at 10.30 so i didn't have much time to consider food before i started. It was when i was there that suddenly it was around me in abundance. Luckily the croissants looked so dry and hard that i didn't even touch them, i used my will power against the biscuits and fudge too.

Two hours into my shift and it had finally sunk in that there really wasn't much to do and one of us was going to have to go home. I happily enough suggested - in fact i was so keen to get out of there to avoid the food. It was settled and i left 30 minutes later. Unfortunately for that plan, i had discovered some falafels in the fridge when cleaning it out that had doomed eveything. My boss said throw them so i had, of course, saved them in my bag. This called for crusty bread, and soured cream. But i knew it would also automatically mean purging it. I suppose i took that risk.

I made a beeline for the supermarket. I phoned my parents and said i was going there and they said they'd already got some other bread. I still went and bought 2 chocolate bars. I think i do it because of the freedom - you know when you were little and told you couldn't have the jelly or something else? I think i still maintain that mentality - i feel like i have to buy stuff i really want because otherwise i will miss an opportunity and won't be able to again. Literally a kid in a sweetshop - that's how i behave in a supermarket!

After i got home, i ate some bread with the parents, went straight onto a scone lashing it with butter. They went out and i tried to keep a serene smile as i waved them out the drive, really wanting to dash to the toilet. They went, i grab the ice cream, sauce, a bottle of lemonade and head upstairs. The 2 chocolate bars joined the binge then i purged it all. Later i went back downstairs and made 2 pieces of toast covered in butter and b / p ed them. All in all, i didn't stop purging for about 3 hours of my break between work. Some break. I was so tired, whether from the vomitting or work that i dosed for a few minutes before shaking myself awake and getting dressed for work.

Back again. It all starts off easy at first and i stay in the back away from plates of food. Then it gets busy, but i bat away all the food obstacles. It's only at the final hurdle i lost. Second to last table leave a deliciously soft roll, i slide it onto a plate and shovel it down with butter. Guilt seeps its way through my gut too, it sits there heavy. The butter is salted and makes me feel sick. I suppose i deserve it. One of the girls says i look really good, really skinny - what am i doing? Wow! I think, Skinny?? I have never been called skinny EVER and there wouldn't be a million galaxys where i would see myself as skinny right now, but i was so tingly-happy when she said that. I told her that my 'secret' was running at a pace and time i enjoy. It is true that i do, but i tone down the part that i do it all to lose more weight. I start to see a way to making friends through exercise - i wanted to invite her to run with me, and although i joked i meant it. But i couldn't because it wouldn't be fun and it would feel like a lie. It's like a alcoholic taking a friend to the local cafe after they've had too many. It's selfish, not about the friend.

Work ended late. I'm now home and dying for sleep because i'm working from 7.30am tomorrow and it's already 1.30 in the UK! ahhh! I haven't drunk anything yet because i weighed myself when i got in and i'm the same as this morning so hopefully i can get down a bit further.

Bonnie, i have all the time in the world to natter later in the day tomorrow, so i hope you'll humour me when you get an extremely long email from me around sunday evening. It means i can take more time to reply to you and put more thought it rather than you having to put up with my quickly-typed drawls i put on this blog before falling into a sleep coma!

Love and support, comment as always,

Poppy xox

My disappearing act

Hi again guys!

How come whenever we even contemplate telling a story of our day, we have to let out a massive sigh first. I swear someone 50 miles away probably felt the breeze when i exhaled! It seems the next day you always hope will be a simple story to tell, winds its way into a rather more complex tale. You eating disorder fills the tiniest gaps in your life, determined to permeate right through into your functioning.

Quick facts:

Stayed same weight

ran 4 miles

purged once

brushed teeth 3 times today

One thing can make all the difference, and with an anorexic/bulimic, the scales become God. They dictate your mood for the rest of the day. Today i would feel....wait for the scales to stop spinning....slower....closer....it's flashing!.... AWFUL! I WILL feel awful.

Truth is i actually stayed the same, but this wasn't good enough. You see, i'm trying to push myself down to 140lbs for 1st June. This would mean that in total i would have lost 1st 5lbs (19lbs) in a month. I am cutting it so fine, but i really want to get there. So staying the same for a day made me mad and anxious. I weighed myself again....and again. In total i stepped on and of the scales about 5 times before i left the house.

Today i wore my new trousers. They were looser than i remember. Mum said i looked good, but i chose to simply nod. Many people say anorexia, or bulimarexia is a vying for attention - it's asking people to look at you. But i think i want people to look away. Whenever anyone comments on my weight, i hate it. It's like spoiling the surprise before i have got to the final end, like giving away the secret of the trick before the Act's finale. I do nod and say 'yes...i love running....no, i eat properly', but i wish people would not mention it and not notice. It makes me shudder.

Almost every day this week i have had someone else comment on my weight. It was another work college today. She said had i lost loads of weight because i look good. I did the 'really?' incredulous look before saying that i had been exercising more. Despite the fact this was probably meant to flatter, i flipped the comment over. I kept thinking that if she has to ask me if i;ve lost weight, then i must look similar to when i was +4st. I CAN'T be thin enough if people can't tell and if i look anything like me fat self. The blueberries i carefully packed stay untouched.

I finish early today, but despite that i still continue to lose my concentration. In the class i had, my mind drifted back to thoughts of crusty bread, ice cream and fudge sauce, hot buttered toast, chips, burgers with bubbling cheese and lashings of mayonaise. In the end i had to take a break out of the class in the toilets. I drew all the foods that flew around my head demending attention, and drew a box around them. This seemed to help, if only temporarily.

After i finished at 12, my mind was futiley trying to fight off bulimia's answer to rabies - the pre-purge. In the supermarket, i reined myself in and only chose a few things that i knew i could refuse and would 'last' if i changed my mind. Foods that DON'T fit into this include cake and ice cream, but foods that do include chocolate and frozen items such as chips. I bought blueberries (mostly to make the basket look more righteous), quorn burgers, rolls and fudge sauce. I daren't get anymore because you know the whole shop is looking and judging you!

I also pop into town and sort out a compact bulimic bag which i suggest any chronic bulimic gets. Just get a small vanity bag then pop in a small toothbrush, small toothpaste, travel bottle of mouthwash, toothpicks and wipes. Of course, if you purge, you use mouthwash ONLY - this is not a false fact. Medical ED professionals advise that you only use mouthwash because brushing rubs in the acid. Wipes are to freshen up, also i am going to get into a routine to brush my teeth more often to prevent even more staining.

When at home, i binged / purged as predicted. I cooked both burgers, slapped them between cheese, lettuce, mayo and buns and chomped down. I follwed it up by a massive bowl of ice cream with 1/2 container of fudge sauce. Then i rid myself of it. It took me a while and during this process i am constantly weighing myself. If i get down to the weight i was before i purged then i am ok to go and exercise or do nothing etc. But if i am above that level, i must keep purging, and if desperate, take laxitives. I was over for longer than i wanted and it was a tight call. As soon as i hit the mark, i went for a run. It was exhausting again and my stamina was far less. I think it was the fact i had eaten that meant i did not run 6 miles. Instead, i did 4 miles, and reasoned that i could make a few miles up with all the running and carrying i would be doing at my evening job at 6pm.

Time for the weekend job. Yes! - i'm a waitress, how ironic! As Rachael Oakes-Ash mentioned in her book, 'good girls do swallow', those with eating disorders seem to be drawn to food industries like magnets. What can i say? - There is a fascination and also an inherant danger about being so close to food. It's bizzare. Anyways, i have just been running up and down, round and round, lifting trays, butter dishes, jugs of water, putting down plates, flicking out napkins, tucking in cloths. In other words - it's been busy. More of the same tomorrow - lunch and dinner shifts! I moved on a glass of water - careful to sip it slowly so that i don't put on water weight for the weigh in tomorrow morning. The croissants called - i threw them away; The dinner was served and there was only a meat option - i thanked my stars; The fudge was left in finger-pinching reach - i ignored it, carried some more plates. What can i say? Today was just lucky, tomorrow might be a totally different story.

Right, this is the bit that i've been looking forward to since i started today's blog - saying hi again to bonnie! I was so convinced that no one would comment on yesterday's blog then there was your message when i got back - it really cheered me!

As for living without the 'rents, it's not really feasable at the moment. You see, i'm saving money to take more courses,etc and i want to return to university so i can do the course i want and actually begin towards a career i want to do. However, i could potentially mean living with them for years. Trust me - i am continuously missing my old uni haunt and wish i could be there. It feels like such a free place when i think of it now. But we must remember that the last time i wrote my blog i was away from myfamily, and i was just as disordered as now. I don't know it that answers anything or just confuses more?!

Don't worry about eating crappy food. One day isn't bad - it generally picks your metabolism back off again and works well if you have plateued. I must admit to finding purging a huge comfort - but remember you will have lovely teeth later in life unlike those who do purge. It is a rather foul habit and fiddly to get right. And yeah, the picture i used yesterday wasn't 'pleasant'. I like to question and challenge people with their perceptions. Some of these pictures do it well. I feel like doing that with all my fat though, don't you?

I'm skidaddling off to bed now because i have a relatively early start. Please pray or cross fingers, toes and other extremities for a better outcome tomorrow on the scales.

Poppy xox

bulimia may give you a husky voice, but sore throats are just no fun

Ugh - i really feel like i'm going to have to type this blog out in monosyllabic grunts then come back and translate it later. Keywords of today: tired,sore, grumble, yes, no, fuck off, sleep...
I may have to make this a short blog today as i'm about to fall asleep and wake up 6 hours later with keyboard marks on my face, and the daunting prospect of driving for the first time with my mother in the am.

So let's just crack on now

1/2 lb lost
1 hour spinning
2 times purged

I woke up this morning and stared in the mirror. I was horrified - my teeth were the same colour as humbugs! I suppose i should have seen it coming and have no one else to blame but myself. It should convince me to give up my bad purging and purely restrict, instead i have made plans to get a mouth kit up together for work, so i can compulsively brush my teeth more often. Well - why not add OCD to the list?!

It was a late start today which meant a morning awake, alone in the house, trying to deny my morning munchies. I curbed my crawling hands by rearranging the fridge - bottom section all meats, raw and cooked, dairy; middle section is my section - pasta i don't eat but pretend to, 1/2 a tin of soup, vegetable leftovers, omlette, tomatoes, bluberries and diet fizz; top section condiments.

After debating over a buttered roll for an hour and a half, that i already knew i couldn't have, i quickly shoved on some clothes and ran for the bus. There was a girl from school on there who used to bully me. After my innocent surprise, the eating disorder creeps in and i notice her hips might actually be a bit bigger than mine, her bum more bulbous. Not enough though - i have to seperate myself further from the pack. I want to be a different Poppy.

The classes are a load of nothing and i find my mind almost eating at itself for something to do. God - save me from mundanity of meaningless jobs! Lunch at 2pm soon comes and i am faced with the classic cafe showdown. It is always the same so i don't have to worry - unless mum suggests i have my food with her. Before we leave, she suggests maybe we go into the town, or a different cafe. I freak a bit - i had spent the morning going over various options and tactics and now the game changes! We eventually go to the same place. I buy food that i plan to later throw and keep it in my bag while mum eats through a slice of cake. I sip a coke zero.

On returning, i find i'm not needed for the next 2 hours. I can't take it and sneak out to hide in the toilets, then eat and purge breadsticks, homous and a chocolate bar. I know - not exactly the sort of stuff you imagine binging on but it was my decoy lunch and the rest of my lunch follwed suit as i purged the chocolate bar. Who's complaining? I got it all out right? I get dizzy and sit back down for a second. There is such an amazing drug-like high from purging - i must admit, i LOVE it. For one glorious second, you feel bliss then it blows away as quick as it arrived.

By the end of the day, i felt exhausted for no apparent reason given most of it i'd spent on my arse or over a toilet. The cleaner caught me again in a different set of toilets, luckily i was quick off the mark to get out. I get home and convince my mother that she wants nothing better than i nice fish finger sandwich for dinner - no, that's what I wanted! I just kept talking about it so much that i converted her to the idea too. I drove us to the supermarket and sneaked another chocolate bar into the basket.

Quick change then off to a spinning class for 1 hour. I work hard - making sure my legs are either going like pistons or wading through sand. I sit next to the glass window so i can see my reflection. Everytime i look i see fat - rolls of it lying on my stomach. I need to work harder and feel guilty that i didn't break out into an all-over plum-coloured sweat in the first 10 minutes. That means i must be lazy, i tell myself.

Mum and stepdad have tea, i divert by having a shower but join them for 10 blueberries. And 1 toffee - this is where it went to the crappers again. That one toffee had me swiftly heading back to my room to eat the other chocolate bar and 2 pieces of cake. Purge again, this time it takes longer. damn - i never learn with cake, its like my ultimate nemesis. Either too stodgy or too broken up with water. eat, purge, drink, flush, eat, drink, flush, drink, flush, eat, purge, drink, flush. This process can take over an hour.

Now everything relevant and unconnected with the soft downy warmth of my bed has been lost. I'm afraid i will leave youwith nothing more than a 'good night' and a hopeful promise that tomorrow (apres a late restaurant shift) i will produce a better blog than this!

Poppy xox

burn baby burn - running hard and alcoholic chocolate making a return trip

Good evening to those reading this!

If i were to think about an ideal blog, it would resemble a bowl of fruit - something you want to tuck in to. However i worry that these are reading like crackers - very stale reading indeed. These are as much for you as me so keep me posted if my whining over work is making you want to carve your arm off or something...hopefully not that extreme!

Facts of the day:
- lost 1lb
- purged 3 times
- ran 3 miles

If this were some 'fairytale' ideal of an eating disorder - the sort that vulnerable people believe in before tripping through the Wonderland mirror and realising it isn't like that in a world revolving around food and you are actually The Mad Hatter - i would start something like this: 'I did really well today - i lived on cool, clean air and only drank enough water to fill a teaspoon. My body feels light and i get blown around on a breeze all day. I hardly think about food because i never eat it'.

Haha! That ISN'T a real disorder - it's what we all imagine, and continue to try and achieve, even if somewhere in us we know it isn't true. Today for me has been far from 'clean' and 'tidy'.


As we enter the white rabbit's house, we enter into my eating disordered head. Let me show you round my day...

1. Bedroom: You wake and worry that if you don't immediately weigh yourself you will miraculously put on 7lbs. Weighing every morning feels like touching base in a game of cricket or baseball, if you reach (sometimes streching your fingertips so hard) and touch base on the next lb down then you are safe and cannot go up again. I get dressed, drowning myself in fabric that needs tucking here, and pulling there. My top is a size too big for me, but i don't care.

2. Morning Room: I notice that my legs look particularly huge again today, and avoid the waiting box of milk tray on the staff table. I spend half the morning debating one chocolate as i walk up and down the office. I probably worked it off with all the walking but my mind broke it down like a mechanical drawing, pointing out the dangers with big red arrows. I popped open my box of 15 blueberries and sucked on them instead.

3. Closet: I'm not really ready for my eating disorder to come out of it yet, but someone started to prise open the door. I sat with a collegue who has been very astute, far too astute, in noticing how fast i'm dropping weight. In fact, she noticed i had lost weight when i was still obese! She asked me if i was eating ok, i replied with a cheery 'oh yes' and slapped on a smile. That's when she said, in a non threatening way, that she would be keeping an eye on me....
hmm - thank god we are reaching an 8 week holiday! I can lose weight in peace without others with misconceptions that they know what the hell i'm actually doing, trying to interfere.

4. Swing: 'If i can just get down another 18lbs then it won't matter if they notice', 'please, i'll do anything if they can just stay oblivious until i reach 2 BMI points lower'. The constant mathematics of weight, days and calories that swim around my head are always formulating in semi-religious pleas to thin air. But when something goes right, the air gets thanked. You become obsessive like a star tennis player on a winning streak - if you lose a lb, you continue to down a box of ducolax, bulk buy those blueberries and for gods sake don't forget to wear your socks on backwards! I'm on a blueberry and purge everything streak.

5. Dinning room: I go for lunch, which turns into a quick shop for a smaller pair of trousers and more binge food. The trousers are a squeeze, but it's so close to the holidays that i convince myself i will get into them by the time they are over - only a couple of inches to loose. I get frustrated that another pair of same size bottoms makes my stomach look like its breaking from a dam and cameltoes my arse. Great, i think sarcastically, i'll have to loose another couple of inches before i can SAFELY and OFFICIALLY fit into the next size down.
I nip into a posh chocolate shop - expensive chocolate is so much more interesting to eat. I have a fascination with inventive food, i just don't like the risk of where it goes after. Give me extra fine individually picked cocoa from the belguim borders, but don't ask me to let it go further south than my oesophagus please! I intended to keep the chocolate for my burgeoning collection of binge foods back home.

6. Bathroom: Predictably, the bathroom always follows the dinning room. I hid again, and this time i had tempting treats with me. I denied myself so long, and i can't even remember what broke it eventually. I remember pushing the little cream balls in my mouth and realising they had alcohol in them. Crap! Not only do i think alcohol spoils the chocolate taste, but it can taste foul and sting like buggery on the return journey back up. I quickly shoved both packets of chocolate into my chomping mouth and spewed into the toilet. Problem is, everytime you have a drink to get rid of the bitting taste of acid and alcohol in your mouth, your body wants to purge again. Eventually when the water had turned bright yellow - a signal i need that i'm on the acid layer of my purge cake, i stop.
A group of girls comes in, at the same time as a cleaner. S**t! I wait a bit longer and think the cleaner might have gone. She would definitely have noticed the one long-engaged toilet to the right. It's quiet, the girls have left. I flush again and make my way out, she is still waiting out there. I cannot hide my 'staff' badge and quickly wash my hands, unable to miss the rustle as she picks up something from the floor. Was it evidence of my binge? My wrappers? - i had pushed the chocolate packets in the sanitary dispenser. She'd probably find them soon too. I take one quick look behind before zooming out the door, keen to put a big distance between myself and that cleaner for a while at least.

7. Bell Jar: Finally the end of the day comes...very slowly. On the way home, Mum keeps patting my leg and telling me she loves me. I'm not sure what to do, i want to get out of this emotionally smoked environment. I only touh her back once and try to smile it off. It makes me uncomfortable and my head buzz with questions - how much does she know? what has she seen? what has she read? All i know is, i want to get inside her head and erase any speck of suspicion on her mind. It frightens me, she can't know yet.

8. Garden: Mum debates whether to go straight to the gym or not. I stay impartial until we are almost at the door, when i suggest she goes straight there. She does leaving me in an empty house like my head had anticipated. Binge no. 2 - 4 mini cheese scones with butter, 3 vieneisse truffles. Like i have said before, i don't do big binges because i have become afraid that i won't be able to get it all back up and that i will retain too many calories. I began to eat a millionaire shortbread but stopped myself because it didn't taste that nice and my mind went 'is it worth it given that you would retain some calories and have to purge all those tiny crumbs back up?'. It wasn't - i threw the biscuit away and spat the rest into the bin. I ran upstairs and purged it all away. I hear my stepdad come back, too early - i'm not yet satisfied i got it all out. When i can't get any more out, i go for a run. I am VERY disappointed with my run today - only 3 miles. I usually do 4-5 miles, 6 if i'm feeling good. Today is a poor effort on my part, but all i could feel on the way round was the acid rolling up and down my neck. I pushed hard, working each mile, feeling my legs ache, i wanted the food gone. I beat my fastest mile lap time by 2 minutes and burnt off the calories i might not have completely purged out.

9. Kitchen: Back home and tea is being planned. As all the family is around, it's another one i cannot escape. Quorn chilli is on the menu and i shrug looking indifferent, mentally i tell myself i will purge it as well. We eat rice and chilli, i help myself to some crisps and dip because i now know i am going to get rid of it afterwards. Everyone looks pleased. I follow it up with a lolly. I worry mum is trying to keep me downstairs, but eventually i am allowed to go.

10. Outhouse: Purge no. 3 takes place but i am less than happy with this one. I can still taste the chilli in my breath. I weigh again and it is passable, although not good enough to guarantee being on goal tomorrow. I take 5 ducolax laxitives and settle down to a night of craps and toilet dashes. I know as well as most well-researched bulimics/anorexics/bulimarexics that laxitives only get rid of water weight and 10% of consumed calories. You know what - I DONT CARE. The reason i'm doing it is because i MUST get to my goal for tomorrow, and prevent weight gain. If this means getting there, i'll bloody well take it and more.

So, i'm so tired and i know i'll be awake in about 4 hours stumbling towards the toilet.
I am so close now to the next goal, i cannot fail. Please leave comments and/or thumbs, i look at them when i am in the toilet needing some support usually.

Wish me 4am luck!

Poppy xox