The Bloated Marmot Returns, 2nd edition

[Damn javascript just turned my first paragraph into a load of arrows! Here we go, try number two!...]

Ugh! This is how i feel at the moment. Indeed, if you want to picture me, imagine me like a furry over-bloated marmot wishing its own claws would scratch out its eyes rather than look at the mountain of flesh under its vision!

I have been avoiding retuning to my blog for a while due to 1. Laziness (unacceptable) and 2. Anger and shame at myself (a given factor).

I am currently at 135lbs but i wanted to be so much lower. The weight is coming off me really slow and i know it's because i'm purging nearly all the food i eat. This wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't eating more due to this. So, i am going to have to try and curb my over-zealous eating. Although i am going away on my own for a few days so i will probably 'treat' myself to a b/p on one of the days. I can't really eat anything bt fruit at the moment without purging it, thus my purging routine is about 3 times a day at least. Sucks...

Anyways, I won't go on about today because i want to write a fresh blog tomorrow. I will be away for a few days after Monday, but i'll try to be more regular then. Maybe this is a bit mean to tease you with a couple of blogs before going again, but i didn't want you to get concerned. Thanks anon for your concern - i am ok. No fainting spells! Hope you are doing well? I do hope to see light at the end of the tunnel eventually, however i don't think i'm there just yet. I have tremendous admiration and respect for those who have taken or are taking that step to get support though. They are incredibly brave.

Message for Bonnie: Hi! Firstly, don't panic. I'm not angry at you! I'd much rather you shared you views. I like to think of this blog as a forum where there are ni inhibitions and we can discuss those views closest to us without fear of hurting someone else or scaring them away.

It's difficult for me to try and get my head around this because i am trying to deal with possibly the two closest things in my life - my mother and my eating disorder. On the one hand, i am concerned, almost upset, that she hasn't seen anyone about my eating disorder and thought my behaviour of substatial concern, enough to merit visiting someone about it or expressing her concerns. However, i am also relieved because the ED part of me wants to stay in the dark like some magic trick, waiting until the transformation to be complete before i pop out and shout 'ta da!!'.

My mum HAS had anorexia in the past, so nothing much has gotten around her depite the fact i hide it as much as possible. I placate her by telling her that i'm trying to sort out counselling. I acknowledge to her that i have a problem , i say that i will get help in the future but not yet - 'i'm not ready yet'. I suppose given that i'm not underweight*, and that i'm over 18 and have had this for years, it is very difficult to take the leap to see someone about it. Also, my stint in hospital didn't go too well, and she sees it that hospital wouldn't do me any good. Maybe she is trying to deny it is happening because she is truly scared for me. I don't know.

(*I actually have a smack-in-the-middle BMI of 21.9. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 25. To work out your own bmi, click HERE.

Since starting this latest stint, i have lost 4st 7lbs (63lbs), which, if i had started at a normal weight, would most certainly now be classed as anorexic/anorectic. Yet, as i started out in the obese BMI range, it is only now that things are being noticed. I feel such scorn towards peoples change in views between being judged as an overweight person and as a normal weight person. When i was losing weight in the obese range, so many people saw my loss as fantastic and a great improvement. Many told me 'Good Work!'. Now, because i am normal range, people are concerned and telling me 'don't lose too much weight!'. Hypocrites!

Enough ranting! Let me know how you're all doing yourselves. How is your weight loss and eating disorder going? - bad? good? - what defines those??

Hugs,

Poppy xox

You don't realise how far you have walked, until you look back...

Hi.

I can only apologise for the days of silence that have passed. I'm sure with my site being 'down' it may have looked like i'd packed up shop, but i haven't. Mymirrorimage just needed to be funded differently which meant a lack of payment at the time.

It has been a difficult June, mostly because i have been jumping up and down from 140lbs, when i really wanted to be on 130lbs (at least) by now. But i am back under 140lbs and determined to get far under it now.

One of the reasons i chose to write now is because i think i'm still in shock by what happened today, but i realised how 'bad' my ED was. Here's the tale:

My mum knows about my ED, and she even goes as far as emptying out my containers of vomit which i try to keep hidden from her out of shame. I hate her doing this and she will search my room for them. Yesterday i purged about 3 times and filled two containers.

I have one container which my mum knows about and checks, but i have another which i secretly keep somewhere else which she doesn't know about. It's like my backup.

When i got home from work today, i tried to help my mum put the shopping away. I get quite posessive over any food and like to put it away in a certain order or form, etc. When i tried to help today my mum told me to just 'get out'. It really upset me and i'd been feeling on edge for days - wanting to cry but not being able to.

I went upstairs and checked my second container only to find that it wasn't there. I frantically checked everywhere only to realise that mum must have found it and thrown it away. That was the final straw and i just broke down and cried for 30 mins. I was so angry and scared because it was my back up. That's when i realised how far my ED has come - when i'm crying over the loss of a plastic container. I mean, it felt like a rug had been pulled from under me.

So.... Today has been tiring. After i stopped crying, and my mum hugged me, we had lunch. They went out and i purged it. Then i fell asleep for a few hours before getting up and eating again.

Yeah - it's going to get really boring repeating it, but i ate and vomitted a few times. Although the fact my sister is around so much and keeps follwing me is making it frustratingly difficult to purge after i've eaten. I have to be really creul and cold to her sometimes for no reason just to get her to leave me alone so i can purge. I am always sorry that i have to do that.

I am determined to stay under 140 today despite eating and doing no exercise. So i've purged, used a suppository laxative and i have taken 6 laxatives which are probably going to kick in around the time my shift starts at 6.30am tomorrow morning! shit!

Sorry this is brief, i need to get some shut-eye. Hope you are all ok.

I'm scared.

Poppy xox

Pounds drop off as quickly as thick paint drying on a muggy day

It's always difficult when you get towards the lower end of a stone (14lbs). For me, i want to get on it then as soon as i hit my target, i want to get as quickly below and away from that number as possible.

It has taken me a painful few days of measuring the individual 1/4 pounds that keep me from my goal. Today i just reached under it, but that was only after purging. Tomorrow could go either way - i could put on due to the fact i drank again in the evening, or i could continue to lose.

I am so hoping that i get under my mark. Time seems to speed up and your weight loss seems to slug around and slow down as soon as a chink of light is in sight.

I have been working ALOT lately - but i don't know what i expect with three jobs! I am going to stop here because i am going to return and post something tomorrow, preferably before 4pm. We'll see...

Let me know how your doing. You all sound so busy and involved with your lives at the moment - it is really uplifting to hear from you.

Until later,

Poppy xox

I'm not prepared to be scared by my eating disorder yet. It's not finished.

I'm not quite sure how i feel today.

When i was searching for pictures to use on today's blog, i came across the usual worrying array of pictures that diplay what 'eating disorders' are really like. Problem is i feel like this train is going too fast. I can't stop what i'm doing because when i do i'll put on weight and i'm deathly afraid of that happening. I'd love to be able to eat normally and not engage in dangerous behaviours, but it scares me that all the weight might go back on again.

I keep on losing weight because i don't feel thin enough yet, not compared to others around me. Also i want to give myself at least half a stone as a 'safety net'. This means that if i do eat something bad, i still have 7lbs gap before whichever weight i said i would never get to again.

Anyways, just thought i'd air my views. In reply to your response Bonnie, don't worry about feeling like you have nothing to say. I'm even chuffed to see a smiley face in the comments box! Yes, i know that purging this much is a lot, and it had increased over the months again. I continue to reason with myself and my parents that it is less than i have done it in the past (which got to 6 times a day), therefore it is at a satisfactory level for me. I feel it is under control - not too little, but not too much. Obviously, i'm not quite fooled because i know my concept of what is control is probably warped, but i am too chicken to venture out of my ED safe zone yet. I have had no reply from the counsellors at present, but they did say it could take up to a month.

If it's any consalation, physically i'm not in a dreadful state. My teeth may be yellowing, but not too badly, i check my pulse and it is a few beats under regular limits, and i only get acid reflux very occasionally. Currently, i'm actually at a healthy weight for my height (140lbs) and i'm actually at less risk of any heart problems than when i was obese in January. Also, i haven't fainted once as yet....

Does that make it any better? I will see a counsellor though, as long as they don't try to force me to talk to a doctor. Not yet.

Right, onto today. I decided to leave yesterday because it was pretty much the norm - fruit box, 2/3 bag of tortillas, purged, 4 miles run, skipped tea to counterbalance calories. The Tuesday morning i had lost another 2lbs.

Wednesday 16th June

Quick bites:

- Weight lost/gained: lost 1lbs

- Binged/Purged: twice

- Exercise: 3 mile run

Fantastic news! I broke my barrier of lowest weight i have got to and have lost all the weekend weight i wanted to shift. I was so chuffed, however it makes me more nervous to be exactly on a stone, because if you gain you are losing your grip on it. I get itchy to get past that stone into the lower one and make as bigger gap as possible between it and where i am now. So right now i want to move into the 9st region and get as far away from the double digit as possible.

I made up my fruit box and went to work. Time went quickly, and for lunch i sat in the toilets licking my spoon clean of a fat free raspberry yoghurt. Who knew you could love a yoghurt so much?! Onto the rest of the day, and the afternoon slugged by. For lunch i mooched into town and bought some bits...i won't bore you with what you will already expect it to be. You are right - it is the sort of stuff you would expect it to be.

In the last hour at work, i sat in the toilets munching a bag of white chocolate covered fudge and purging it. Fudge ain't fun to b/p on, but then neither is peanut butter and i love it! I wasn't convinced i'd managed to remove it all so planned my run when i got home.

The driving home with my mum was horrible and i felt stressed when at home. I picked at 1 olive, 1 piece of pineapple and a strawberry. When mum went out to her exercise class, i spotted ym chance and idly began munching on the rest of the bag of tortillas. I stopped myself, got changed for a run and ran for 36 minutes.

When i got home, i decided i needed to miss dinner in order to make up for the calories that might have been digested when i b/p ed on the crisps and fudge. I arranged my washing up on the side board and then picked up an ice cream, bread roll and the rest of the crisps and sauntered upstairs. I added to the collection from my own stash, with chocolate macadamia nuts. I b/p ed it all.

Since then, i have been weighing myself regularly, and have remained the same. I am afraid to drink anything in case it messes up tomorrows weigh in, especially when i'm so close to going down a stone. *Cross fingers*

Please feel free to shout out below :)

Poppy xox

Mind over Matter, or the Mind Matters, or Matters effect Minds?... Or i'm just talking s**t!

All's quiet on the blog front at the moment then? I'm guessing you are all away trying to deal with things - i hope things haven't been too rough for any of you this weekend gone?

Eating Disorders often have ways of peaking and dipping, not to say, though, that any day goes away stress free.

My day has been relatively straight forward. Although it's not been a 'clean sweep' (day of no food), it has not been a HUGE binge day or a day where i have ate normally.

Quick Bites:

Weight lost/gained: lost 2lb

Binged/Purged: once

Exercise: run, 5 miles in 55 minutes

I awoke to the insistent beeping of my alarm clock, which, after a moments confusion, i remembered i had incovieniently placed across the room. I pulled myself out of bed and made for the bathroom, keeping with my pessimictic train of though: I've probably put on weight. But the scales argued different, even on the fifth try. I had lost 2lb! yippee! Only 1lb to go until i am back to the pre-bad weekend weight, then it's all go on trying to get as far away from that weight as possible.

I dithered about what to do first: run or go and replace food? I decided to replace the food i had binged on first, given that the supermarket could run out of some of it if i went to late. I was lucky, as they had almost run out of the ice cream i needed to replace. I got raspberries, blueberries and nectarines for my fruit box, 2 no fat yoghurts to try, 2 food magazines which actually turned out to have really good recipies in them, a bag of chocolate mice, hersheys cookies and cream bar, ice cream that needed replacing, and a bottle of diet coke. I was tempted by the ice cream because there's a new one with really inventive flavours like blackberry and pink grapefruit. But i didn't get them because i wouldn't want to purge them. I'd be trying them as a foodie, not a bulimic (if that makes any sense to anyone!).

I walked back home and found out that my driving lesson had been cancelled. Now i was left with the house alone and a bag full of shopping. I put it away but leave out one yoghurt and mix it with a small portion of fruit, dutifully counted for calories. I really enjoyed it, slowly licking the spoon clean. I put on a film, and an hour in i had already binged/purged on the hershey bar, one of the ice creams, the bag of chocolate mice and a portion of stuffed pasta. I managed to get most of it out and quickly went upstairs to weigh myself. I had lost, but couldn't trust my weight until tomorrow morning. So, dinner was now out of the equation and running was now necessary.

I tidy my room and mark some papers. It's a slow business! Everything is clean and presentable when my mum gets home - no signs of any purging anywhere. Both my parents get ready for exercise at the local centre and try to quiz me on my career...again! Bare in mind, they have bene doing this most days for weeks now. If i'm not moving forward enough for them, it's not good enough. They say the job i want to do isn't feasable to train for at the moment, and try to force me to consider another job - the one THEY have wanted me to do for years. Trying to put me in the hole they think i'll fit. Forcing me in, but i'm not willing to go in. I just hide my face in my hands and i feel upset. They drop it eventually.

When they leave, i get changed and go for a run. It's a good run and i manage 5 miles in under an hour. The music is really helping and i'm developing a running playlist. I check out the calories i burned - it should be enough to cover any excess calories i didn't purge in the afternoon. I get in, have a shower. I sneak a diet coke up to my room (i have been told off for having it after running because 'it's not good'. In truth i know, but who cares? Plus, i'm 22 for christ's sake! Get off my back!) I skip dinner as it will just be tempting fate to have anything else.

Now i've finished marking more papers, and need to get some sleep before driving tomorrow. Last time i drove to work in the am, i was not with it so i need more zzz's now!

Please feel free to leave comments, wishes, hopes and smiley faces below!

Love Poppy xox

Teetering on the edge - the tricky business of shifting the pounds

Back for another blog!
I always worry that these blogs get boring for you - 'i'll try to be good, slip up, purge'. Each day ends up like a roller coaster of emotions for me, but it may seem like i'm just whining from the outside, i don't know.

Anyways, let me know if i am. Onto today's happenings, which depsite all the odds don't look like they have turned out as bad as they could have.


Quick facts:
Weight lost - 1lb
Binge/Purged - twice
Exercise - only all the walking i do at work

Let's break this down by time:

6.30am - Wake up. I'm extremely tired because i didn't get home until midnight after work. I weigh myself and find i've lost another lb - excellent! Only a few more to go and i will have gotten rid of the weekend weight i put on when i went away.

7.30-12am - Working in the restaurant. Obstacles i had to avoid included croissants, fudge and buttered toast. I also tried to steer away from any fluids as well, just because if i could manage without them then it would be a bonus when it came to weighing. I found myself so busy and rushed off my feet, that only longing glances at the piles of food would have given away my urge to snarfle them all down and run to the toilet. I just kept, almost, running out of the kitchen whenever i was in there, to avoid any chance of eating. I MADE myself stay out of the kitchen because i knew that even if i had one piece of bread that it would mess up my calories for later - i needed enough calories for the tea later. I also had a backup salad in my bag in case i was working lunch and got hungry about midday. Luckily, i got off early. This had a plus and a minus - the plus was being away from the food and having time off, the minus was the fact that i wouldn't be busy and i would be near more accessable food at home. C'est la vie!

12am-12.30 - I walked to the local supermarket and managed to pick up the low cal meal that i had planned to get for the evening. I had carefully thought about what i was going to get the night before. This would mean i avoided surprises when it came to what i would have, and i could keep tabs on calories, etc. I got a quorn cottage pie (220kcals), a punnet of strawberries and (suprise surprise) a large bag of aero bubbles. Mum comes to get me and i wait in the car as she does her own shopping. She asks me if there is any thing i want. 'Well yes! could you get me a large cheesecake, a pack of doughnuts, bag of cookies, a tub of ice cream, whipped cream and a family size doritos bag please?'. I resist, instead, i just say no.

12.30-4.30 - Back at home. I mark some exams and immediately rip into the large bag of chocolate. My stepdad is painting in the room next door and i try to be quiet while i purge them up. Not the easiest thing, and i swore he heard me more than once, although gave no indication. He went down for his lunch and i purged the rest at ease. I get worried that i haven't purged enough and quickly weigh myself. The scales calm my anxiety temporarily.

4.30-6.30 - My grandma arrives and the dreaded dinner is impending. I stay upstairs incase there's any nibbles to tempt me, then come down when dinner's being served. My plate is the right one, and what's on it meets my approval - only the cottage pie and some veg. After main, everyone has desert and asks me what i'll have. I don't have anything, but mentally keep the cheesecake in mind for later. I decline the chocolate mints that follow as well. My binge demon is knawing at me like some rabid dog - honestly, it's a ba***rd 24/7!

6.30 - My parents say they are going out to the pub, and my grandma says she will go as well then. Fantastic! I have plenty of binge food and now the evening to purge at my leisure too! They go and i immediately reach for the freezer.

6.31-10.00 - Here's what i ended up having and purging: 1ltr of cornish ice cream, a slice of blackberry cheesecake, 10 chocolate mints, 2 bagels with cream cheese and tomato, 2 slices of toast with lots of butter and peanut butter and 1/2 packet of macadamia nuts. After realing that off, i am sincerely surprised that i don't look like some hideous human elephant. It makes me so angry to see it all there and know that i didn't resist and actually ate it! argh!
I put on a DVD, pulled up a bucket and purged. I weighed myself every hour or so to see how weight was doing. I had lost, although, as i have said before, majority was water weight. I was really chuffed as my bowels have actually worked today - can't believe i'm actually happy about doing a poo but it means i might weigh a 1/4 of a lb less right?! :P

10.00-1.30 - I finish the film, purge on the side, book two nights stay in a hotel away for the fam in the summer and do a bit of marking. I spend 30 minutes deciding whether to put more or less on a shopping order and whether or not to move it forward, only to leave it as it is. Now i am going to sleep :)

Fun fun tomorrow - a dicey weigh in, a driving lesson and a trip to the supermarket (again) to replace the food i ate. Soon they're going to know me by name in there!

Night,

Poppy xox

All is not lost.... Right??

No time to be clever or long-winded. This is going to be a very short bullet pointed blog.

I have to get up in 6 hours time to go to work again for a very busy shift and i'm feeling like i want to break down and cry. In fact, i've felt 'on the edge of it' since this afternoon - everyone has been snappy and shouting at me and i feel really upset.

Facts for today:

Weight - lost 2lbs

This is good considering i had that big binge the day before, guess we will have to see if the weight stays off tomorrow morning.

Binge/Purged - once. It wasn't too bad because i have been running around at work today and haven't had time to indulge and eat. I only purged when i came home and had my usual stir fry then followed it up with a scone i had tried my best to deny. Then i purged.

Exercise - well, not really apart from running around like a lunatic for 11 hours today. I waitress so it is tough physical workouts there.

Fears - ontop of 100 other things my mind wants to cry about at the moment, one is that my grandma is coming over for tea tomorrow. It's a sunday so i won't have enough time to buy myself low cal provisions. My parents threw away my omlette so that option is out the window and i finished my stir fry today. In other words, i'm fucked and shitting myself. I am truly upset and scared. I think i am going to pray that i am let off work early so i can buy myself something i know is safe. They bought cheesecake as well, but i will just have to refuse it despite the fact that they boght it especially for me

Must go now. Need sleep and i know tomorrow will be make or break.

Free hugs to all,

Poppy xox